The Rose Review NEW NEWS NETWORK: World Headlines, Top Stories, Breaking News

PRODUCERS OF "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" SELL SPINOFF TO CBS, "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN SHUT UP FOR A WHILE"

2006-08-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

NASA ADMITS IT NOT ONLY LOST ORIGINAL TAPES OF FIRST MOON LANDING, IT ALSO ACCIDENTALLY TAPED OVER FIRST EAGLES REUNION

2006-08-18T06:14:00.000-07:00

NASA, under fire for losing tapes of the greatest event in mankind's history - the landing of Apollo 11 and Neil Armstrong's first steps on the moon - now admits that someone at their agency has accidentally recorded over tapes of the first Eagles reunion tour. Ironically, some polls indicate that the retaping incident may have in fact improved the popularity of NASA.

The space agency had no comment on the sudden appearance on YouTube and iTunes of two new mashup videos: "The Eagles Has Landed," featuring Joe Walsh and Glenn Frey tripping Buzz Aldrin with hilarious results - and "Moon Rocks", in which Don Henley conducts an experiment to see if "Hotel California" can still be numbingly boring in a vacuum.

PRODUCERS OF "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" SELL SPINOFF SHOW TO SPIKE TV, "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LIGHTEN UP ON THE MAKEUP A LITTLE YOU WHORE"

2006-08-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

DIRECTOR OF "SNAKES ON A PLANE" SIGNS ON FOR SEQUEL, "SNAKES ON A TRAIN THAT CAN'T STOP FOR SOME REASON"

2006-08-18T06:01:00.000-07:00

PRODUCERS OF "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" SELL SPINOFF SHOW TO ABC, "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST"

2006-08-18T02:01:00.000-07:00

70's TV SHOW "IRONSYDE", FEATURING DEAF, DUMB, BLIND, DISABLED DETECTIVE WHO TRIPS CRIMINALS WITH HIS CANE, WILL NOT BE COMING TO TV LAND THIS FALL

2006-08-12T09:19:00.000-07:00

**FLASH** (Los Angeles, CA) TV Land announced today that classic 70's police series "Ironsyde" - about a deaf, dumb and blind Chief of Detectives for San Francisco PD who, after being shot 47 times in the foot by a sniper, gains telepathic powers, which he uses to find criminals on the run who he then trips with his trusty cane, Brutus - will not be part of their Fall lineup. The news rocked the lucrative "boring cop drama" industry, as this is only the second program TV Land has ever turned down. TV Land's previous rejection was the BotchCo failure "Cop Poetry", in which all dialogue took the form of limericks.

An exec from rival network NosTValgia told NNN that TV Land may still decide to go after the 60's BBC show "Ironsmythe," on which "Ironsyde" is based. In the English version, Ironsmythe's foot is shot only 35 times, and the cane is named Malcolm.

TV Land did, however, announce it has picked up the rights to another popular 70's show, the kid classic "U. R. Puffin' Stuff." This heartwarming series featured a boy named Billy who befriends a group of drugged out unemployed sketch comedy writers and their pudgy 9-foot tall imaginary friend Spliff, who is very rich and supports the do-nothing lifestyle of the writers, but who eventually sues the writers over credit for a show Spliff feels he helped create but that the writers stole, called "Iffy Spiffy Spliff in a Jiffy."

LIEBERMAN, LONG LEADLESS, LOSES; LAMENTS LAMONT

2006-08-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

Connecticut Senator Admits His Support of President's Plan to Annex Poland May Have Been His Undoing

Joe Lieberman, who vaulted to national attention as the Democratic Party's candidate for Vice President in 2000, lost that party's Senatorial primary August 8th in Connecticut. A major factor in the loss, said his doctor, was that Joe was suffering from a severe case of a malady clinically known as "Nojoementum".

However, the Senator told tens of loyal Connecticutians that, come fall, he will run as an "Independent Democrat." When asked if he just invented that term in order to justify running twice against his Democratic vanquisher, Ned Lamont, Mr. Lieberman said "absolutely not - I don't just make up terms for the hecque of it, pardon my French." When asked how he defines "Independent Democrat", he said that it's "someone whose beliefs are halfway between a 'Lieberal' and a 'Liebertarian' ".

Finally, Joe told the press that, if he loses as an Independent Lieberal-Liebertarian Democrat, he will join the Green Party and run under the name "Mean Joe Green".

# # #

OWEN WILSON AGREES TO "DUPREE" SPREE; WILL DO SEQUELS "YOU, ME AND DEACON BLUE" & "THAT STEELY DAN SONG WITH THE BITCHIN SOLO"

2006-08-05T06:11:00.000-07:00

Steely Dan issued a statement saying that they still think Wilson's film "You, Me and Dupree" is a ripoff of their song "Cousin Dupree", and their similarity is not "pure coincidence, synchronicity, dumb luck and poppycock" as Owen claims it to be. The group, best known for a string of 70's pop hits, also announced two new singles to be released this year - "Reeling in the Wedding Crashers" and "Zoolander, Don't Lose That Number".

ISRAEL RESUMES LEBANONSTOP BOMBING; WIDENS SCOPE OF WAR TO INCLUDE BOMBING HOME OF MEL GIBSON

2006-08-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

MEL GIBSON APOLOGIZES FOR ANTISEMITIC REMARKS DURING DUI ARREST; SAYS THIS WON'T AFFECT PRODUCTION OF HIS NEW SEQUEL "THEM JEW BASTARDS KILLED CHRIST"

2006-07-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

In a statement, the Oscar-winning director added that "some of my best friends are Jews," and "no, I never said Jews control all of Hollywood - it's only like 75 percent, tops." He also promised to remove objectionable scenes from his sequel to "The Passion of the Christ" -- such as a 12-minute sequence showing closeups of large Jewish noses, and another scene where several Jews attend a party for Jesus without bringing anything.

Gibson, after apologizing profusely, closes his statement by saying, "I want to encourage everyone to go out and see 'Them Jew Bastards Killed Christ.' It's really fun for the whole family. And, to show my good faith, I want to invite all Jews to see the film absolutely free, because I know how they hate to part with money."

# # #

TRUMP, HEADY FROM "APPRENTICE" SUCCESS, LAUNCHES SPINOFF SHOW, "SLEEPOVER IN MY COMBOVER"

2006-07-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

THE DONALD's new show follows 12 wannabe ubermodels vying for a lucrative contract while living in luxury within Trump's pompadour.

Trump's heady high-rise (Trumpshead Bay) features several condos starting at only $900,000 - "a real bargain," says Ed Shill, editor of Trumpadour Magazine.

The "delightful damsel dozen" will frolic in follicles until a winner is chosen or Trump gets a trim - "whichever comes first".

# # #

FTC SCAM ALERT: HOME COURSE CLAIMING TO TEACH HOW TO GET RICH BY SENDING EMAIL ABOUT NIGERIAN BANK FUNDS THAT NEED YOUR HELP TO RELEASE "MAY BE BOGUS"

2006-07-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

In this latest Internet scam, identified by the Federal Trade Commission, consumers are lured into sending money to "Nigerian Bank Scam Road To Success, Inc." located in an obscure town called "Email, Mass." The FTC warns that the offer is extremely enticing, especially to older people, because their ad lets you pay "in 52 easy payments of $1.99." Only after all 52 easy payments are easily made, say investigators, will the company send you the desired home study course, and then only after "an easy payment of $24.95 to cover whipping and handling."

The actual course comes on 24 eight-track cassettes -- another hint they may be bogus, say authorities.

# # #

62-YEAR OLD WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO 13-YEAR OLD BOY

2006-07-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

Woman Sets Record, and Gives Millions of Older Women Hope for Childbirth; Father Says Boy's Briss and Bar Mitzvah Will Be Combined

SAMUEL L. JACKSON ACTUALLY TURNS DOWN FILM ROLE

2006-07-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

Popular Actor Stuns Hollywood By Not Accepting Role In A Motion Picture; Agent Reportedly "Worried and Concerned"

Actor Samuel L. Jackson, who is soon set to surpass Kevin Bacon as the thespian with the most connections to other actors with various degrees of separation, has allegedly refused a role in a work of fiction created for the motion picture screen. Sources say this may be the first case of Jackson ever making such a radical move, and those close to the film star are reportedly shocked. His agent, Swifty Swifkowitz, had no comment at first, then blurted out that he is "quite worried and concerned," since Jackson "has no previous history of refusing work of any kind whatsoever. I mean, he's in everything, is he not?"

Critics say the move is especially surprising, given that Jackson's last role was in the film "Ireland, Oh How Ye Snub the Black Man", in which he plays a leprechaun in the background of one minor scene.

Jackson could not be reached for comment, but we have learned that the film he turned down is either called "White Girls Can't Jump," or "Sharks On A Plane."

# # #

CIA DIRECTOR QUITS; WANTS TO "SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY" AND "CATCH UP WITH WHAT JESS, NICK, JEN, VINCE, BRIT, K.FED, PARIS AND NICOLE ARE UP TO"

2006-05-06T00:15:00.000-07:00

Also Plans On Getting Guns N Roses Tribute Band Back Together

FDA BANS NEW CEREAL ENDORSED BY BARRY BONDS, "CHEERIODS"

2006-04-09T06:48:00.000-07:00

Government Also Denies Trademark On Phrase, "Breakfast of Champiods"

Mr. Bonds, who is chasing Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron in the lifetime homerun category, denied that Cheeriods were "devoid of taste", as one food critic put it. Instead, the San Francisco slugger insisted the GMO-certified cereal was "simply loaded with wholesome goodness that just so happens to pack on the muscle", which is useful "in sports that embrace good old fashioned American ingenuity and the drive for excellent pecs". Asked about the Genetically Modified food and food by-products used to make their Cheeriods, breakfast cereal conglomerate Kelloids had no comment.

# # #

BUSH SINKS FURTHER IN POLLS; ADMITS HE MIGHT HAVE TOUGH TIME WINNING THIRD TERM

2006-03-05T02:21:00.000-08:00

The President addressed his sinking poll numbers during a press conference in India, where he lent his support to a new ad campaign for outsourcing dubbed "Corporations Abroad: Thinking Frugally, Acting Globally". Bush admitted his poll figures were "shockingly low, considering how much we control the media".

Bush also noted, in an unusually frank moment, that he may have a "tougher time than I thought ramming through my Constitutional change package". This package, titled "The New New Deal", includes revisions such as allowing Senators to make Amendments "in times of war or vociferous obfuscation", and allowing a President to seek a third term. Explaining why three terms would be better than two, Bush said letting Americans abort a viable Presidency in its second trimester "was just wrong".

# # #

NNN WORD OF THE WEEK: "NUKEY"

2006-02-26T20:30:00.000-08:00

adj.: dangerous, yet fills a need, and may be the best choice for the foreseeable future.

"I know she's a nukey girlfriend, but I don't have any take-home-to-Mom prospects yet.
Besides, it's her nukiness that explodes my banana."

"It's the nukiest solution yet for the Middle East. It could cause the entire hemisphere to erupt in an orgy of violence. Then again, it's so nukey it just might work."

n.: useful yet dangerous, hard-to-get energy source which can also be made into weapons

"If they don't get it from Russia, Iran will just get some nukey elsewhere."

# # #

Got a new word? Show us; post a comment here on NNN. We just may post it.

BUSH INSISTS SELLING ALL AIRPORT SECURITY BUSINESS TO UNITED DEATH TO AMERICA INC. WILL NOT POSE THREAT TO NATION

2006-02-22T09:44:00.000-08:00

Bush continued to insist today that selling off all airport security operations to United Death To America Incorporated will not pose a serious threat to the nation.

In related news, the President also brushed off criticism of another idea he has floated around the beltway -- using only Arab pilots on planes, who must also be members of the little-known Kamikaze Union.

Asked why these questionable policies are even being considered by the Administration, Mr. Bush chuckled and said, "Well, y'all have stopped talkin' about Cheney now, haven't ya?"

# # #

Filed by NNN Senior Retorter Don Rose -- New News Network -- trrnnn.blogspot.com

Commentary: "IRAN, NUKES, AND THE 'BIG HAT' THEORY"

2006-02-21T05:20:00.000-08:00

by Ray Mahoney and Don Rose

Well, another graduate of the Crazy Despot School has arrived on the scene. Yeah, we're talking about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (we will only type this once; if one attempts to write it twice one needs to towel off). The new leader of Iran seems a little different, though. What's missing? What's different about this despot than all the previous? One problem is he looks like someone whose next words might be, "You want fries with that?" True intimidation, on a global scale, cannot be had when the people you want to scare are erupting in big laughs. Tee-hees behind your back are not conducive to true despotism.

Which leads to the true issue here, the main problem. You see, we've examined many despots of yore and nailed it down to one crucial element Mr. Iran Head is missing: A BIG HAT. Any good despot worth his dictator's salt has to have a unique hat all his own. Without it, we can't take him seriously. Even amidst impending nuclear winter, we'd all still be saying, "What a cut-up." Yes, the new Iranian head case needs a good head case. We American consumers like our products served in containers of recognition. We want burgers wearing sesame-seed buns, chickens shaped like nuggets, and despots with grand chapeaus. Look at history: Khomeini, Mao, Castro, Che, the Nazis -- all had big hats.

Old Prez, old hat. New Prez, no hat.

But maybe the new Iranian ruler (we told you, we won't write his name again, we're gasping just thinking about it) is really crazy smart. Perhaps he's the new breed of dictator who doesn't wear his threat on his sleeve (or his head). Maybe it's the new intimidation innovation we've all been waiting for: hatless dictators. Could be the new haberdasher habit. Perhaps this dude's doing to dictatorship what Johnny Rotten did for music. Or maybe the lack of a hat has Mr. Iran Topdog feeling inferior, unloved and naked, and that's the real reason he acts so mean and threatening.

Since nuclear proliferation is a concern for all terra-bipeds, may we suggest the U.N. and global community hold a contest for what the Iranian ruler's "Big Hat" should be. Ryan "I'm Everywhere" Seacrest could host, or perhaps lovable Gabe Kaplan (we hear he's available), and the winner could get his picture taken with corporate sponsors like Slim Jim, ABC and Yahoo. Then he could ride a nuke with a Slim Pickens clone, yelling "YAHOO!" as they fade into history -- launching a new Strangelovian ride in a Persian-themed park called DisneyIrand, all filmed as a one-hour special lead-in to "Desperate Houseslaves". Marketing baby! That's all Mr. Whatzhisname really needs. (That... and a hat.)

# # #

Commentaries by Ray and Don appear by special arrangement of letters and punctuation.

NEW BIN LADEN TAPE SURFACES; EVILDOER VOWS TO CONTINUE TO RESURFACE WHENEVER BUSH NEEDS TO PUSH NATION'S FEAR BUTTONS

2006-02-20T01:41:00.000-08:00

Osama bin Laden stated in a new tape that he is "sick and tired of being trotted out every time Bush needs a ratings bounce", and declared the U.S. government has been resorting to the same "dirty tricks" used by "Dicky Nixon" in the "swinging seventies". The terror-ble tyrant also complained at having to still use tapes, "when all the kids are burning and ripping CD's now".

bin Laden, who looked tanned and rested, also complained that he is no longer at his "fighting weight" due to the rich food he is forced to eat at the lavish government bungalow he has been sequestered in since December 2001. "All this filet mignon, caviar and oysters rockefeller is enough to make a fella fat", complained bin Laden, who admits he is scared the posh country club lifestyle is ruining his diet.

Elsewhere on the tape, Osama compares himself to Saddam Hussein for the first time, admitting that even he no longer knows who really planned 911. The al-Qaeda kingpin (bin Laden, not Hussein) said that he and Hussein were now "buds", and that they had indeed shared phone numbers and emails at a lavish "Conversative Cons and Ex-Cons" party thrown in honor of Tom Delay a few weeks ago.

Other highlights of the tape: bin Laden reading passages from his dating guide, "Why No One Wants the Most Wanted Man In The World" (now atop the book charts), and a discussion of his new reality show, "Osama and Omarosa", which explores how being negative can lead to success. Finally, bin Laden vowed to "sock it to" whoever released the photo below.

SCHOLARS SAY NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED PRESIDENTS DAY MATTRESS SALES

2006-02-16T06:36:00.000-08:00

A new theory, proposed at the annual History of American Folklore Conference this week, asserts that legendary seer and mystic Nostradamus predicted the future existence of President Day sales, in particular the "selling of mattresses at great discounts" to a "future republic of states between coasts". Nostradamus also predicted that such sales will be the "greatest legacy of the Presidents Lincoln and Washington", whose exact birthdays will eventually be forgotten "like keys to an old condo".

Michel de "Mike" Nostradamus

The radical and provocative theory is based on newly discovered texts. The new quatrains mention several times the invention of "amazingly soft and cushy slumber squares", as well as the words "Sealy", "spring air" and "Seers stores". The word "Hilter" also makes an appearance, which scholars believe may have been an early mattress brand in the colonies.

Nostadamus, known as "Lefty" to his bowling buddies, also predicted many other future events, inventions and people in his remarkable seer career, including Pop Tarts ("Popptaarts"), Peter Frampton ("Petra Frizzyhairdampton"), Alpo ("Halpoe"), Woodstock ("Boomerama"), the Lilith Fair concerts ("Tickedoffchicks Faire in Square"), Lindsay Lohan ("Lowsay Lowhand"), the cellphone ("celular telegraph"), Coke ("Sugarwaater"), Google ("Goggle giant, really reliant -- be you compliant or be you defiant?"), Yahoo ("Yippee and Yahoo! I shall tell you true -- yours truly hath laid my chaste chambermaid"), and sex in airplanes ("Mile Hight Cluuubb, for lovers of danger, and those who don't worship that guy from the manger").

Filed by NNN Senior Editor Don Rose.

CHENEY WARNS OF MORE SHOOTING TO COME; WILL GO GUNNING FOR OTHER "FRIENDS" WHO "OWE ME MONEY"

2006-02-15T07:56:00.000-08:00

"If you owe me dough, you better blow", warned Dick "Shooter" Cheney today, finally breaking his silence about shooting a dear hunting buddy while quail hunting. The Vice President offered a one day grace period for "friends and Democrats" to settle any unpaid debts with him, otherwise he will come gunning for them "come this weekend".

As for why he shot a man who was so close to him, and who apparently was in the process of getting a five out of his wallet to pay back the Veep, Mr. Cheney chuckled and said, "I thought he was Quayle".

AD: COMING SOON... from the makers of "VAN HELSING"... the most eye-popping biopic of all time

2006-02-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

In a world... of horrific horror and terrible terror... one man stood by his master's side.
Faithfully. Truthfully. Mouthfully.
Until now.

The wait is almost over.
Soon all will be revealed.
The greatest legend in the hallowed halls of horror takes centerstage at last.

From the award-winning key grip behind VAN HELSING...
the lighting technician behind DRACULA...
and the limo driver for THE MUMMY...
comes the biopic the world has been screaming for...

"IGOR!"

The greatest sidekick of all time finally tells his side of the story.
And it's not pretty.

It's all Igor, in all his gory glory.
Coming to theatres this summer.
And DVD soon after that. Very soon.

Rated "R" for rancid.

BOXING FANATICS RIOT OVER DANISH CARTOONISH PHOTO OF MUHAMMAD ALI

2006-02-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

A photo ad allegedly featuring "The Greatest" selling cookery has boxing fans rioting in the streets of Denmark, the country that published the faux foto in the current issue of their top magazine, "Denmark's The Spot". The issue, which features a story on the world's most controversial Olympics ads, has upset devout sports nuts and rope-a-dopes everywhere. "We believe in Ali, we love Ali, we worship Ali, Ali is all", said one boxing fanatic, who told NNN he's followed the boxer's career religiously. "To see him reduced to a corporate lapdog like this is offensive Satanic blasphemy we won't sit still for." The punchy fan then threw a rock through a window, defacing the largest building in Copenhagen: the Ministry of Free Love and Drugs.

Below is the offending advertisement which, incidentally, The Rose Review published back in the fall of 2004, scooping all other news networks.

INFO-GRAPH: ZEROING IN ON OUR WORLD

2006-02-10T13:38:00.000-08:00

IMPERIAL RECORDS RELEASES NEW COMPILATION, "WIRETAPPING'S GREATEST HITS"

2006-02-08T02:04:00.000-08:00

Imperial Records and K-Tel have finally released the long-awaited compilation album, "Wiretapping's Greatest Hits", composed of the best of President Bush's wiretapping "finds" from across America. In addition to many solo tracks, such as "Leftwing Wacko Accuses Government of Denying Citizens Some Rights" and "Stark Raving Ex-President Calls Other Habitat For Humanity Workers To Build Yet Another New House...", there is also a duet between John Bolton and Michael Bolton.

The full track list for this exciting new album is as follows:

"Mom Confirms Grocery List With Husband"
"This Idiot Didn't Wait For The Beep"
"Voicemail Hell"
"Getting Off (The Spirit of 976)"
"Welfare Whore's Weekly Whines"
"I Never Promised You A (Bribe In The) Rose Garden"
"Leftwing Wacko Accuses Government of Denying Citizens Some Rights"
"What The Hell Are These People Saying?"
"Baby Gaagaa Googoo (Family Crap #13,852)"
"Stark Raving Ex-President Calls Other Habitat For Humanity Workers To Build Yet Another New House (That Socialist Bastard)"
"Conceited Musician Sings Awful Song To Girlfriend"
"Bolton Brags About Being More Famous Than Other Bolton" (John Bolton & Michael Bolton)

Duet bolts them twogether: John Bolton and Michael Bolton primp, preen in imposing poses.

Anonymous sources tell NNN that a sequel album -- "Ain't Impeachable, He's Unreachable" -- will be released in 2008, unless Congress bans the album and holds hearings on possible violations of Constitutional law. However, the latter appears "unlikely", since Democrats "show no signs of growing a spine".

Filed by Chief Retorter Don Rose.

IN STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH, BUSH SHOCKS CROWD WITH REVELATION THAT U.S. IS "ADDICTED TO OIL"; ALSO REVEALS MEN "LOVE BIG BOOBS" & 3 "IS LESS THAN 4"

2006-02-02T02:07:00.000-08:00

Here is the official and complete White House list of the stunning revelations President Bush shared with us in his most enlightening speech ever -- the 2005 State of the Union address:

The state of the Union is strong.

The Union of two heterosexuals is strong.

The United States is addicted to oil.

Oil is more addictive than crack cocaine, Blackberries and Jennifer Aniston combined.

The fact that a gas nozzle is phallic may be enticing female motorists to consume more oil.

We must find and lock up the dealers of oil, not blame the oil addicts trying to kick the habit.

To help those suffering from oil addiction, federal funding will triple for Oilcoholics Anonymous.

A new "War on Oil" campaign will officially replace the tired, outdated "War on Drugs" campaign.

New "Just Say No" banners will be mandated for all gaspumps.

Men love big boobs, the bigger the better.

Men prefer natural boobs to fake boobs, but we'll take what we can get.

The number 3 is less than 4, and apparently has been for some time.

Pluto is both a dog and a planet.

George Clooney is a triple threat -- actor, writer, director, producer.

"Curb Your Enthusiasm" is the funniest show on television -- that Larry David is a hoot.

If every one of us drove a Prius like Larry David, is that really a world you'd want to live in?

Jack Abramoff who?

SADDAM TAKES HIATUS FROM TRIAL TO HOST 21st ANNUAL HENCHMAN AWARDS

2006-01-30T17:02:00.000-08:00

Sources say Saddam Hussein was a no-show at his trial because he is taking a hiatus to MC the annual Henchman Awards in Las Vegas this month, after another noted henchman cancelled at the last minute. "I am most humbled and honored to accept this gracious invitation, as I always enjoy time spent in the company of my fellow henchmen and henchwomen," said the former Iraqi dictator. He then added that he often gets mistaken for poet Walt Whitman, and is really getting tired of it.

Asked if security will be a problem, Hussein, who is currently working on his opening monologue for the awards show, laughed hysterically with his head cocked back, then shouted, "Security is easy. Comedy is hard."

GOD ISSUES PRESS RELEASE: "VERILY, I SAY UNTO YOU, PAT ROBERTSON IS A RETARD"

2006-01-12T15:51:00.000-08:00

The Almighty's press release, a terse and stinging one pager, said He was responding to a flood of mail He has received concerning Robertson's inflammatory statements about Ariel Sharon. God also said he distinctly recalls giving Pat Robertson "a few bricks shy of a load" because "Lo, I was distracted that day, what with a lot of prayers coming in at once and not having our current voicemail system in place. God bless that system, it verily does saveth a heck of a lot of time. I just hit Godsend and I can reply to millions of sinners at once." God also stated that, in addition to his Robertson rebuke, he has revoked Pat's "God P.R." card for a day, hinting that His "day" may be like eons to us peons.

BUSINESS "ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE SHOW BUSINESS" DISCOVERED, SCIENTISTS SAY

2006-01-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

In a shocking blow to the world of show tunes, archaeologists in England say they have found what appears to be a business "remarkably similar to show business" -- the strongest challenge yet to the centuries-old belief that there is no business like show business. Scientists on Broadway had no official comment, but privately admit they may ultimately need to change the classic song's title to "There's One Business Like Show Business".

GREENWICH MEAN TIME BEATS UP FATHER TIME

2005-12-31T03:44:00.000-08:00

For 120th Year in a Row, Angry Englander Cannot Control Temporal Temper

"Grinch of Greenwich" Clobbers Old Man in Timely Fashion

Membership In Timesters Union May Be Revoked

CONGRESS DEBATES WHETHER SPYING ON CITIZENS WITHOUT WARRANTS IS WORSE THAN ORAL SEX

2005-12-24T11:54:00.000-08:00

Planned Hearings To Call Expert Witnesses Jenna Jameson, Heather Hooters and Quisha Lipps; "Fellatioratory" May Begin As Soon As AVN Porn Convention Ends In Vegas

Which is more impeachworthy: getting pleasured by an intern, or intercepting communications in America without getting warrants thus ignoring the Constitution's balance of powers? The first is worse. Of course. I mean, come on. "Fell-lie-tio" (lying about oral sex) is far, far worse than "Splying" (not asking permission for spying on our nation), say political pundits, since the latter was needed to fight terrorism and preserve our freedom to have conversations spied on.

However, a TRR investigation now reveals that, in his defense, Bill Clinton said fighting terrorism was in fact the reason for his pursuit of oral pleasure from a sexy young woman -- even though that act singlehandedly violated the rights of millions and put CIA agents at risk around the world. "Monica Lewinsky, and her young nubile pals, may have provided incredibly valuable information about terrorism in the U.S.," said Clinton, "since she often wrote me notes saying members of Congress were 'terrorble', and left her feeling 'terrorfied'. So, I decided to debrief her. One thing led to another and, well, she wound up debriefing me. But I had defending our nation on my mind the entire time -- except for, maybe, 2 minutes tops".

IRAN'S PRESIDENT BANS WESTERN MUSIC; "IT SUCKS", HE CRIES

2005-12-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, answering charges he has been "not as Ayatollah-Khomeni-like lately", has banned Western music from Iran's radio and TV stations, reviving one of the harshest cultural debates since the heady days of 1979 and the Islamic Revolution: does Western Music "suck" or does it "blow". A new Iranian poll shows it "blows", 89 to 9 percent, with 2 percent writing in "bites". Songs such as George Michael's "Careless Whisper," Eric Clapton's "Rush" and the Eagles' "Hotel California" have been publicly decried as "blasphemously terrible, almost as horrible as tunes by saxophonist Kenny G. But not quite."

TRANSCRIPT OF TODAY'S MAJOR FOREIGN POLICY SPEECH BY PRESIDENT BUSH

2005-12-15T13:33:00.000-08:00

"As we make terrific progress on the terror-ridden road to freedom from terror, terror terror terror terror terror. Saddam terror terrible terrorists Iraq terror terrorism 9-11 terror furor terror Tower of Terror terror-terror elections terror democracy terrorocracy terror terror to defend this nation from terror error."

"In addition, terrifying terror torture terror terroristic terror torture rapture capture terrorists, terror terror Teri Garr terror terror terror Teri Hatcher terror hatchet catastrophe. Furthermore, terror terror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terrorterror terror terror terror. May God Bless Ameriterrorica."

FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION REACHES OUT TO YOUTH OF AMERICA; TESTS NEW "DO NOT HOLLABACK" LIST

2005-12-15T12:37:00.000-08:00

In an official government press release, the FTC said today they are attempting to reach out to "young gangstas, fashionistas, and hastalavistas" by testing a new alternative to the popular "Do Not Call" list, specifically designed and targeted to attract men and women under 30. The new "Do Not Hollaback" list, if approved, "will not only tell marketers not to call these youngsters, but will also enable hot chicks to block loser guys from calling them if they accidentally give out their number while under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or some hypnotist at a comedy club".

The Rose Review's Entertainment Retort for Dec. 5, 2005

2005-12-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

"Dr. Don's Pre-Awards Buzz Film Recap"

by Don Rose

Ah, December. Holiday cheer draws near, hardfelt greedings are shared, and entertainment folk fret over what to buy who in order to impress, suppress, make up or suck up. But soon all this happiness, joy and eBaywatch will pass, and it'll be time once again for... ta da, Awards Season! A brand-aware New Year for stars to perform a plethora of promos, promises, preening and pretty-pleases. Top thespians will log long hours longing to be the People's Choice, or the one with the best Globes or the least-noticed SAG, or the one who snags the ultimate accolade on that show whose name is trademarked (let's just say that special night usually features a cad, Demi, awards, and many a hillaryswanky party).

To prepare your wits for the blitz of glitz, below are bits on hits for '06 -- movies from this year that seem destined for awesome award awareness next year, or at least a lot of paid covers on Varietal and the Hollywood Recorder. Since many of you have been busy bees and may have no time for movies till the holidaze, the following plot summaries will hopefully inspire you to gather your clan, go to the googleplex, and see why my Six Picks from this year's cinema class are classics.

THE CONSTANT GARDENER
A harrowing, finely-crafted suspense thriller about a man who simply can't stop gardening. He is, as the title says, constantly gardening. Miracle-Gro, rows to hoe, tending, mending, the guy's obsessed. Even during lovemaking, he dreams about digging deep into fertile soil and planting. What a wacko. A wacky weed-whacking wacko. A bad seed. Then, he meets Fern. But hey, don't let me ruin it, just go see it, you'll love it, really. I'm just not that into gardening.

MATCH POINT
Woody Allen does it again. Make a movie, that is. Starring that starlet named Scarlett, about who, frankly, I do give a damn. She looks radiant. Ravishing. (I can't believe she looked so dorky in "Ghost World". They sure got them makeovers down to a science, don't they?) Wait, I forgot the plot. Oh yeah. Woody's latest is loosely based on the best-selling biography, "The Intense Sexual Appetite of Gene Rayburn", about the host of TV's favorite gameshow, "Match Game". Actually, I haven't seen this movie yet. But at least I'm not constantly gardening.

KING KONG
Be careful when you go see this one. Don't mistake it for another film out there called "King Dong", which is a totally different plot. Or so I'm told. Something about the man who ate the most Ding Dongs ever in one sitting, breaking Orson Welles' record. Anyway, in Peter Jackson's colossal Kong epic, Naomi Watts and Adrien Brody encounter a simian beast the size of Donald Trump's hair. Or ego, take your pick. It's huge, is my point. No one will say exactly how big the Great Ape is, but sources tell me you can fit 192 Charlton Hestons inside him, and still have room for 38 Roddy McDowalls, if he were still alive. The totally cool twist is that director Jackson cleverly hid his actors' paychecks in the bowels of the beast, and they had to get it out in order to get paid. (How the hell else could they get two stars to battle a giant gaga gorilla? Huh?) Can't wait to pay ten dollars to see it, plus five for refreshments, and four for parking. I wonder why DVD's are taking over.

NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE
Based on the novel by C.S. Lewis (no relation to Lewis C., who penned "Alice in Wonderland"), this story is about a cute little blonde girl who wanders down a manhole to find a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe. And also a watch, but they couldn't fit that into the title. The plot gets bogged down in the middle, when the girl keeps insisting on finding a tailor to alter the clothes she found by cutting up the shirts and making the jeans ride lower and stuff, talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. Anyway, in the end, the kindly Emperor of Ahhs gives the lion courage, the witch melts, and everyone shouts "the Emperor has no wardrobe!". Plus, young Malice figures out that "Narnia" is actually short for "Californarnia"; she was home the whole time! Thus, she learns there truly is no place like home, if you don't count Vegas or Epcot. (The only thing I didn't like was Celine Dion's performance of "White Rabbit"; the bunny suit made her look really fat, and I could see the wire as she flew around in fast-motion. I think she was hopped up on something.)

THE PRODUCERS
Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick reprise their Broadway performances in this movie remake of the hit play that was based on the non-hit movie which starred Zero Mostel who actually is kinda hard to link easily to Kevin Bacon. The plot: two schlubs (along with Uma squirmin) bilk little old ladies out of their money by having them invest in the most terrible ill-conceived preposterous disastrous play they can possibly think of: "Al Gore Explains His Well-Researched Ideas Concerning Social Security Lock Boxes And Why They Should Not Be Unlocked Under Any Circumstances Whatsoever, Period". Amazingly, it becomes a hit; to avoid paying all the ladies, the boys skip town, move to China, and make a fortune manufacturing cheaply made plays at a dollar a dozen and reselling them in America for a hundred bucks each. Uma moves to India, and makes a somewhat lesser fortune providing excellent and most gratifying customer service to Americans calling tech support.

GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
The realism is first rate in this film, which may just be the finest piece of cinema so far this decade. TV icon Edward R. Murrow furrows his brow and smokes a ton of cigarettes, and it is all done through the miracle of animatronics, resulting in the most lifelike robot Murrow I have ever seen on screen. The resemblance to a real human being is simply incredible. The effects wizards at Jim Henson Studios just get better with age. The plot revolves around Commie robots who are infiltrating the news channels of fifties era America, a Red robot plot uncovered by Senator Joe McCatharsis (Murrow's nemesis), who we discover is actually an alien from Venus with a third eye on his forehead. The twists just keep coming. (The electric shock from the back of my seat, a process called "Murrowrama", was a great touch too.) The climax of the film depicts, in glorious goriness, the laser-filled battle for Earth between the journalist-like robots (who like to say "Good Night") and the paranoid-sarcastic Venusians (who like to say "Good Luck"). I won't give away who wins, I don't want to ruin the movie -- you'll just have to see it (with your own three eyes)!

--------------
Dr. Don Rose is Editor In Chief of “The Rose Review”, an online magazine available at www.therosereview.com . He also serves as writer and editor for “New News Network”, at trrnnn.blogspot.com . He may be reached at ddrose@aol.com .

The Rose Review's Entertainment Retort for Nov. 28, 2005

2005-11-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

by Don Rose

As my memory of Thanksgiving recedes faster than the polar icecap, I realize I truly have much to be thankful for. Like the shocking news that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have announced an official separation, after which Jessica said she was already suffering from separation anxiety. "After careful thought and consideration, which believe me was not easy for us, we decided to part ways," the couple told me, through an interpreter who speaks VonDutch. Kudos for scooping this story go to “Us Weekly”, who sources say are about to announce a long-anticipated merger with “Them Monthly”.

Expanding on the breakup, The Pair said, "This is a mutual decision by the two of us, who have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. And besides, since everyone stares at us all day, this was bound to happen." Nick said he agreed with The Pair, and added they still look spectacular. Nick and Jess then told the press, "We hope you respect our privacy during this difficult time. So, like, no closer than 3 feet, okay guys?" The we-always-knewlyweds are expected to release a final album together, entitled "One More For The Money", to be released before Christmas -- along with the new hit smash platinum dance remix mega-single, "Please Buy This Before We Change Our Minds."

Another big buzz in the entertainment world: Net TV. Yes, it is finally here! Well, kinda. Sure, there have been snippets and glimpses of it for years, but when the Sweathogs make it onto your PC, watch it. Literally. It will either be revolutionary, or Travolting. What is it? In2TV. 2006 will see the launch of this new service, where America Online will make Warner Brothers TV shows available to watch for free on the Web, starting with shows like “Welcome Back, Kotter” and “Wonder Woman”. (With Warners’ “Welcome…” and “Wonder Woman”, I guess they wanted watched works which were words with "W", what with the World Wide Web and whatnot; well, we want "Wild Wild West"!) Viewing will be free, using regular ol' TV's proven strategy of turning off viewers with in-show ads. Still, millions will surely tune in; with big players like AOL and Time Warner behind it, In2TV seems worth looking In2.

Speaking of TV, Sunday December 4th is the premiere of A&E's "DaVinci and the Code He Lived By". (Also available on DVD.) Clever title, huh? A deliberate attempt to subliminally remind viewers of the runaway bestseller "The DaVinci Code"? Naaaaaaahhh. Come on, who would stoop to something like that? (On Christmas Eve, look for A&E's other new doc, "Harry Truman and his Potter of Goblets".)

Speaking of Christmas, Pop quiz: can you name the bestselling Pop album of the 50's decade? "Elvis's Christmas Album". (Fun fact: if you play the CD backwards, you can hear someone muttering "Elvis Lives". Then again, my copy has a lot of scratches.) According to a book I browsed at Borders (site of recent big-turnout signings by Sir Paul McCartney and Sir President Jimmy Carter in Westwood), Elvis's Xmas disc was indeed the top tune title of that entire ten-year time. And you know, I can hear why: twas one of the first full-album collections of rocking Xmas songs, with some beautiful ballads worked in. (Fun fact: "Elvis" & "Lives" are anagrams. Coincidence?) Listening to the Presley disc as I write this, it really does hold up. As does a fun show now airing locally in L.A., on KRTH 101.1 FM: "Elvis Only". Every Sunday at 11pm, this hour of well-produced radio features nothing but The King, and it really is something -- a creative mix of live and rare recordings, megahits, semi-neglected studio tracks, fan requests, audio clips from E himself, info on where to pick up new recordings (like the recently released boxset "Hitstory"), and more. Plus, one of the best show-opening montages I have ever heard. To host Jay Gordon, all I can say is: thank you... thank you very much...

--------------
Don Rose is Editor In Chief of “The Rose Review”, available online at www.therosereview.com . He also writes and edits the news satire “New News Network”, at trrnnn.blogspot.com . Readers and alliterates alike may reach him at ddrose@aol.com .

VIETNAM WAR BUFFS HOLD ANNUAL RE-ENACTMENT

2005-11-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

"G.I.'S, GUNS 'N GOOKS" MEET IN MACARTHUR PARK TO ENJOY BURGERS AND DOG DOGS; "REMARKABLY REALISTIC" DEPICTION FEATURES NAPALM SPRAYING, MY-LAI MINI-MASSACRE, TINY TET OFFENSIVE IN TRADITIONAL GARB

"Last year, some folks wanted to change the outcome of our mini-Nam, but come on, where's the fun in that? If we're gonna do history right, we gotta keep it real -- gotta suffer a humiliating devastating trouncing," said Vietnam Veterans Thespians VP and Mock General Stone Wood. "As always, the simulated airlift from our faux Saigon brought down the house." Still, the event was not without controversy. "Frankly, the Little Dicky Nixon rapper was an attempt at being hip, and we deeply regret it. That act will be terminated with extreme prejudice".

In related news, a spinoff troupe -- Daughters Of Gulf War Actors Group -- canceled their annual Persian Gulf re-enactment this year. DOGWAG tickets can be traded in for refunds, or for tickets to the upcoming concert "Lee Greenwood Sings John Wayne's Favorite War Songs".

MILE HIGH CITY LEGALIZES POT POSSESSION, DROPS "MILE" FROM NICKNAME

2005-11-02T13:33:00.000-08:00

Also Adopts New Motto: "Denver: The Smoke 'n Toke Folks"

BUSH NOMINATES HIS CLEANING LADY AS SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR

2005-10-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

Some Congressional Leaders Question Maid Henrietta Meyers' Ability to Assume Cabinet Post; "Her Only Cabinet Experience Is Polishing Them", Snorts Trent Lott

Defiant Bush Vows To Ignore Criticism; "The Critics Forget She Has Plenty of Experience With The Interior Of My House"

CONSERVATIVES WANT SCHOOLS TO TEACH ALTERNATIVE TO THEORY OF GRAVITY; NEW BILL MANDATES TEACHERS GIVE EQUAL TIME TO THEORY OF "INTELLIGENT DESCENT"

2005-10-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

Christian Right "Ecstatic" That Alternative to "Questionable Gravity Theory" May Finally Appear In Textbooks; Wants Schoolkids To Decide Whether "Intelligent Attractor" Is More Plausible Reason Why Objects Fall

NNN EXCLUSIVE!: GOV. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TELLS THE ROSE REVIEW HIS VIEWS ON PROPS, STEROIDS, BASEBALL, GRAY DAVIS & GROPING FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS

2005-10-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

The Governor explains the endowment of a previous girliefriend.

U.S. HOMEBUILDERS ASSOCIATION PREDICTS THAT, IF CURRENT TRENDS CONTINUE, AVG CAL HOME PRICE WILL REACH $2.4 BILLION BY 2025

2005-10-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

GOVT HOUSING OFFICE CALLS PROJECTION "RIDICULOUS"; INSISTS FIGURE "WILL BE CLOSER TO 2.1 BILLION"

KANYE WEST APPEARS ON SAT NIGHT LIVE; TELLS NATION "GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T HATE BLACK PEOPLE, ONLY POOR BLACKS WHO DON'T TALK AND DRESS ALL WHITEY-LIKE"

2005-10-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

RAPPER REFUSES TO WEAR MUZZLE AND STRAIGHT JACKET AS ORDERED

BREAKING NEWS! TRUMP TO HOST NEW REALITY SHOW, "EXTREME COMBOVER"

2005-09-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

Donald Trump, riding high on the success of his hit NBC show "The Apprentice", has signed on to host a new ABC spinoff called "Extreme Combover", where The Donald takes 12 ordinary balding men and teaches them the ancient art of transforming "side hair" into a swirling mound, simulating perfectly the female-attracting pseudo-pompadour. The subject who most succeeds in using Trump's hair-raising techniques will be told, "You're haired!" -- and receive a lucrative deal to manage the new national chain of Trump Hair Tower stores.

WILLIAM SHATNER WINS ACTING EMMY; THESPIAN CALLS THE ROSE REVIEW WITH EXCLUSIVE THANK YOU SPEECH TO NNN VIEWERS

2005-09-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

William Shatner holding his Emmy Award, specially redesigned at his request by Frank Gehry.

BUSH, STANDING ON BARGE IN FLIGHT SUIT, DECLARES "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" IN LOUISIANA; SAYS FREE ELECTIONS WILL COME SOON IN REBUILT "NEW NEW ORLEANS"

2005-09-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

Admits No WMD's Have Been Found "Yet", But Points Out He Has Found "Plenty of MD's"

President Bush invoked September 11 when he flew into New Orleans again this weekend, telling the American people and reporters onboard Navy Barge One that "Mission is Accomplished" as fighters flew overhead and a Ray Charles lookalike sang "America the Beautiful". After invoking September 11 again to change an unchangable tee time at the Baton Rouge Golf Course, he returned to his theme of rebuilding the Big Easy. "Our original plan, to relocate Nawlins to the Houston Astrodome, has now been cancelled due to it being ridiculous. That was Brownie's idea, and he's long gone. But with the help of God, and Halliburton, this great city will be rebuilt, and I know the city of "New New Orleans" will have free and fair elections by next year. The spirit of democracy is spreading to this dark-skinned land. There is no evil dictator to be found. This land is free, look around! It's truly an exciting time. "

When one reporter insisted on asking the President if he was confusing New Orleans with Baghdad, Bush invoked September 11, then said the whole rebuilding issue is "complex". "I am not saying this Halliburton-built burg will have to be called New New Orleans. I think Crawdad has a nice ring to it, too. Baghdad, Crawdad, my dad, it's all good. May God Bless America."

BUSH TELLS KANYE WEST HE "DOES LIKE BLACK PEOPLE", HE JUST CAN'T STAND THEIR MUSIC

2005-09-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

ALSO WAS UPSET THAT KATRINA AID HAD BEEN ARRIVING "AT A NIGGARDLY PACE"

Today, a frustrated President Bush once again tried to bolster plummeting poll ratings by reexplaining his position on hurricane relief and African Americans. "When it comes to giving aid, my administration is not an Indian giver, we ain't gonna Jew someone down to get rock-bottom prices, we just gonna help. You can bet on it. And if I ever lost that bet, I'd never Welsh on it. God bless you, and may God Bless America - the only place in the world where niggas, wops, spics, chinks, kikes, dykes, fags, Irish drunks and cheap Scotsmen can all live together in harmony, not judged by what's on the outside, but the stuff we can't stand about 'em on the inside. Amen."

NNN EXCLUSIVE! PRESIDENT BUSH INTERVIEW WITH THE ROSE REVIEW

2005-09-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

Click button to play our exclusive (albeit accidental) interview with President George W. Bush, commenting on the Katrina disaster.

NNN EXCLUSIVE: PRESIDENT BUSH'S STIRRING SPEECH TO NEW ORLEANS ON POST-KATRINA "PROGRESS"

2005-09-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

HURRICANE FARNSWORTH HEADS FOR KENNEBUNKPORT, MAINE; CITIZENS ALREADY EVACUATED, BILLIONS IN AID OK'D, NATL GUARD IN PLACE; REMODELING FUNDS APPROVED

2005-09-04T00:43:00.000-07:00

"Wow, The Feds Really Learned A Lesson From Nawlins! Buffy and I Are Not Only Vacationing Safe and Sound in Tahiti on Uncle Sam, But Our Mansion Will Actually Appreciate After The Hurricane Scurries Away!" Says Local Kennebunkportian

President's Father's Home Safe; Bush The Elder Takes Charter Jet Out "Just In Time... To Get To Opening Of New Golf Course In Bermuda"

LARRY KING's LIKING NEW NEWS NETWORK!

2005-09-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

PRESIDENT BUSH PRAISES NNN - NEW NEWS NETWORK

2005-09-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

BILL CLINTON ON NNN: "ALMOST AS GOOD AS INTERNET PORN"

2005-09-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

35 YEAR OLD MAN, APPETITE RUINED AFTER EATING DESSERT BEFORE DINNER IN 1977, FINALLY EATS AGAIN

2005-09-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

Solid Food May Be Consumed "As Soon As Next Week", Say Baffled Medical Experts

A man whose mother said his appetite would be ruined if he ever ate dessert before dinner is finally eating food again, according to doctors at John Hopkins. After losing his appetite back when the original "Star Wars" was released (as well as "Annie Hall"), Alan Leftoe spent 28 years nourishing himself with pills and liquids, but he is now looking forward to actually eating "real food" again. Alan's mother could not be reached for comment, as she was too busy spending quality time with Alan, telling him how awful his current girlfriend is and why she'd make a terrible wife even though Alan just wants to schtup her a few times.

In an amazing coincidence, both directors of the aforementioned films (George Lucas and Woody Allen) have new films out this year. Film fans are ecstatic because the two auteurs will finally join forces for a daring new project -- the romantic sci-fi action comedy, "Melinda and Chewbacca", coming out next summer.

BUSH GIVES DRAMATIC "ICH BIN EIN NAWLINER" SPEECH TO KATRINA-RAVAGED NEW ORLEANS; TOURS LOCAL GOLF COURSES TO WITNESS DAMAGE TO LEISURE-SPORT INDUSTRY

2005-09-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

Arriving in 'Poison Gulf', Bush Blasted for Delayed Response to Disaster Victims; National Guard Finally Arrives, Days Late, In Honor of President's Guard Record

by Don Rose

President Bush vigorously defended his handling of the Katrina-caused disaster in New Orleans and surrounding areas of the South today. "Hey, give me a break", Bush said. "It's hard work. Hard work. First, there was the Iraqi Constitution to finish, everyone knows that rewriting is the hardest part. You cannot deny that. Second, I had several rounds of golf to finish in Crawford -- it is simply bad form to cancel a tee time without several days notice, everyone in Texas knows that. It's just plain wrong. Third, why ain't no one giving me credit for ending my vacation a couple days early? Those Democritics conveniently forget stuff like that."

Asked how he responds to widespread criticism over the length and timing of his vacation, Bush said, "I am glad you brought that up. Someone remind me to visit the golf courses here -- I bet all this rain'll make the greens real soft-like. I can shoot right for the pin, I reckon!"

After his speech and a smattering of clapping, Mr. Bush got in a golf cart to tour the weather-ravaged sections of the Big Easy. Upon seeing the atrocious conditions and terrible situation there, Bush held his mouth in horror and exclaimed, "Geez, this should be called the Big Sleazy! P-U! Someone airlift in a maid or two!"

--------------
Don Rose
Editor In Chief, The Rose Review www.therosereview.com

Chief Retorter, NEW NEWS NETWORK (News Section of The Rose Review): trrnnn.blogspot.com

JIMMY DURANTE'S ORIGINAL RECORDING OF "CRAZY FROG" LEAPS TO NUMBER ONE ON RINGTONE CHARTS

2005-08-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

Classic funnyman Jimmy Durante originally recorded the "Crazy Frog" song under the Yiddish translation title, "Mashuggana Fruggana", which was first recorded by one of Thomas Edison's engineers back when the phonograph was invented. In fact, after Edison recorded "Mary Had A Little Lamb", engineer F. Farnsworth Shinsberg convinced the great inventor to let him record "Mashuggana Fruggana" (and the term Mashup stems from this title as well).

In a sign that Durantemania is taking American ringtone charts by storm, the Top Five songs are ALL Jimmy Durante hits:

Number 1: "Mashuggana Fruggana"
Number 2: "Inka Dinka Doo"
Number 3: "Jewish Schmewish, I'll Marry The Shiksa If I Wanna"
Number 4: "Hokey Pokey"
Number 5: "Mary Had A Little Lamb (and Damn, It Tasted Fine)"

AD: NNN SPONSOR OFFERS FREE MONEY!

2005-08-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

"TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD" STAR BROCK PETERS DIES; AUDUBON SOCIETY PLANS PROTEST OF FUNERAL

2005-08-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

Animal Activists Decry Peters Quote Stating "My Greatest Achievement Was To Kill A Mockingbird"

In what appears to be a massive misunderstanding almost as big as every plot from "Three's Company", several animal rights groups are planning to use the funeral of actor Brock Peters (who played a man wrongly accused of killing a mockingbird in the classic film "To Kill A Mockingbird") to protest the thespian's long-misunderstood quote, in which he bragged about causing the demise of a bird that mocks other birds. Actually, I'm not sure who the mockees are in the avian realm, but that's beside the point; the real point here is, why has the name Brock fallen out of favor among new mothers today?

Reports of a new 'Bond and Brock' internet mashup, involving two classic movie themes ("A View To A Mockingbird Kill"), is also adding fuel to the ridiculous misunderstanding.

No mockingbirds were harmed in the reporting of this story.

BROSNAN OUT AS BOND, RAPPER FAT JOE IN AS NEW BRITISH SUPERSPY

2005-08-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

Rotund rapper Fat Joe was named as the new James Bond today, replacing four-timer Pierce Brosnan. The producers of the Bond franchise said they were thrilled to sign the rapidly rising rap reconteur to a seven-picture $220million deal, the highest in British superspy film history.

To capitalize on the intense buzz over the first black Bond, the release of the next film -- "Tomorrow Never All Dat" -- is being moved up in time for Christmas 2006, and the new soundtrack single composed by Burt Bacharach -- "Suck My Goldfinga, Bitch" -- is due in stores this fall.

ISRAEL BEGINS PULLOUT, LEAVING MANY IN GAZA FEELING UNSATISFIED

2005-08-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

"GAZA STRIP" GENTLEMAN'S CLUB CLOSES TODAY; WILL REOPEN NEXT YEAR AS "PALESTINE PALACE"

The management of the Gaza Strip -- oldest adult gentleshiek's club in the tri-annex area -- told TRR that they will probably have most of the same clientele after the name change, which many Arabs say has a nice ring to it, and is much better than the name it beat out, "The Fickle Nipple".

Many who frequent the club say they are feeling quite unsatisfied with Israel's slow pullout, and refusal to provide protection. They also say they now have a strong urge to smoke a pack of cigarettes. Israel told TRR they too feel unsatisfied, and did not want to pullout, but they promise to call Gaza tomorrow and send some flowers.

INTERNET NEWS: PILE OF DIRTY LAUNDRY THAT STRONGLY RESEMBLES RONALD REAGAN FETCHES $85,000 ON EBAY

2005-07-30T13:00:00.001-07:00

"Conservatives are hot right now" said Ed Baylor, Head of Auction Anomalies at the internet auction site. "Religious figure food, like Mother Mary lookalike lunches, still pull in the most, but rightwing politicians are right up there."

Another pile of filthy unwashed clothes, which did not have quite the same uncanny similarity to Reagan's face, only brought in $4,100.

In a related story, Baylor told TRR that a cowpie considered "a spitting image of Clarence Thomas" has yet to attract any bids.

story compiled by Don Rose, TRR Chief Political Retorter

Doctors Grade Bush High on Physical, So-So on Mental

2005-07-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

New Three-Prong Test Shows Prez Sound in Body, Strong in Confidence, But Still Vulnerable to New Strains of Dumb Jokes

The President's new doctor, Sidney Spleane, told the press his controversial three-part test of Presidential functioning went "fairly good", with Mr. Bush passing tests of strength and bodily health with flying colors, but receiving not so hot marks for mental might. "For example, he continues to confuse countries and leaders when tested, pointing to South Dakota when asked to find Mandela, Iraq when asked to find Bin Laden, and Chad when asked to find Jeremy" said Dr. Spleane. "Ironically, the stem cell research he abhors could enhance his mental faculties tremendously, if he'd only reconsider. We could barrybondsify Bush's brain beyond JFK, LBJ and FDR combined, but I guess we'll have to settle for SOL."

by Don Rose, TRR Chief Political Retorter

FRIST BREAKS WITH BUSH, BACKS PRO-STEMCELL BILL; GOP SENATE LEADER NOW BANNED FROM CHURCH, LOSES MEMBERSHIP IN "BACKWARD SOCIETY OF AMERICA"

2005-07-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

Frist Move Grist For Rumor Mill: Will He Lose Support of Influential Flat-Earth Society?

Proving he has somehow managed to reactivate the long dormant medical-doctor side of his brain, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist announced he will split from the Bush White House position and get behind Stem Cell Research. Although some on the religious right consider Stem Cells as an Evil, Satanic movement akin to allowing a woman to control her own body, Frist decided to take the risk and branch out into the dangeous area known as "thinking for yourself". "I guess I'd rather be Hippocratic than a hippocrate" said Frist, who now eats lunch at Burger King. "I'm gonna do things my way from now on, and if that means my polls go down and I seem less likely to get the GOP Presidential nomination in '08, well then I'll just change my mind again later" he said. What a Whopper indeed.

story by Don Rose, TRR Chief Political Retorter

DIRTH OF NEW SUPERHEROES SPELLS TROUBLE FOR MOVIE BIZ; UPCOMING "RATMAN", "SO-SO SIX", "ROACHBOY" ARE "REALLY SCRAPING BOTTOM OF BARREL" WARN EXPERTS

2005-06-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

"We Are Nearly Out Of Villian Fighters", Say Insiders; Peak Superhero Scenario May Be At Hand

Top writers and script doctors are currently working around the clock to concoct new hero characters, in order to meet the impending 2006 "supershortage", says a shocking new investigative story in Varietal Magazine. To shed more light on this breaking story, TRR's top tinseltown tattletale has compiled a list of the new secret crop of superheroes, an exclusive to our readers:

Ratman

Batman's lesser-known cousin comes round the bat cave asking for money in an indirect passive-aggressive way, then uses his rage over being confused with Mickey Mouse all the time to fight evildoers

So-So Six

After accidentally getting bombarded with a secret government raygun, six average teens suddenly find their senses 13 percent improved

Roachboy

Shy brainiac becomes hilarious theory-spouting F-student after accidentally being given some pot

The Greatest Caucasian Hero

New daring do-gooder from the geniuses at the Moral Majority and The 700 Club.

XX-Men

Extra X gene found in twelve men accidentally forges a bond that will lead them to Doc Morpheum, who painstakingly trains them to fight grime.

Fantastic Fore

Foursome of hacker-duffer golfers are transformed, by accidental exposure to poverty, into superheroes who wield their clubs to battle crime in the seamy underbelly of Simi Valley.
Scrambo
Breakfast cook travels back to Vietnam to look for other cooks spooked by gooks who took their cookbooks.

EBERT AND ROEPER PLACE AD IN VARIETY, SEEKING NEW FILM RATING SYSTEM; "MUST GO BEYOND THUMBS", THEY ADMIT

2005-05-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

Going Beyond Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down, Great, Sucks "Bodes Well For Industry"

The popular "Two Thumbs Up" and "Two Thumbs Way Up" may go the way of the dodo if Roger Ebert has his way. The famed movie critic recently told TRR that reviews by he and partner Roeper "are too fuzzy and inexact for today's digital age", and "need to be updated".

Currently, the E/R system employs five main overall reviews:
TWO THUMBS WAY UP, aka" great";
TWO THUMBS UP, aka "good";
TWO THUMBS DOWN, aka "not so hot";
TWO THUMBS WAY DOWN, aka "stinker";
and
THUMBTHING'S WRONG HERE, aka "are you Yahoo Serious?".

The new system, dubbed Ebert And Roeper's New System, would allow a wider range of film rating categories, featuring (from highest to lowest ranking):
FOUR THUMBS WAY UP (two thumbs each)
FOUR THUMBS UP
TWO THUMBS WAY UP
TWO THUMBS UP
ONE THUMB UP (or, TWO THUMBS HALF UP)
NO THUMBS
ONE THUMB DOWN (or, TWO THUMBS HALF DOWN)
TWO THUMBS DOWN
TWO THUMBS WAY DOWN
FOUR THUMBS DOWN
FOUR THUMBS WAY DOWN
CHUCK 'n BURY
WE WALKED OUT
WE WOULD CUT OFF OUR OWN THUMBS RATHER THAN WATCH THIS MOVIE
HOLY CRAP, THIS CRAP HAS HOLES!
and
ROSIE O'DONNELL'S IN IT.

Ebert told TRR he may even allow fractional thumbs in the rating system for the first time, allowing for even more exact film commentary. He also would not rule out rumors that he is pushing to add pinkys, which could be a variant of the thumb-and-pinky film rating gestures developed by surfer tribes in Hawaii.

Roeper, speaking off the record, said the famed critic team might even do away with thumbs altogether, and instead opt for a radical new apples-and-oranges film comparison system, developed by a group of fruit growers in Central America.

STAR WARS "REVENGE OF THE SITH" TAKES IN BOFFO $158MIL BOXOFFICE IN US, USING AUCTION TO SELL 158 TIX AT A MILLION EACH

2005-05-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

"...Sith" (which, some nerds have pointed out, is an anagram of a "very naughty dirty word") took in a record-breaking $50 million during its opening day last Thursday, the new single-day record helped out because, as exit polling revealed, some people had heard of this "Star Wars" before.

But what was truly unique was the method by which the record box office was achieved: a new system whereby 50 tickets across the country were auctioned off for $1 million each. Another 108 "million-dollar tickets" were sold the rest of the weekend, bringing total US receipts to $158 million. Add in another 145 tickets sold at a mil each overseas, and the newest Star Wars flicks has taken in a staggering $303 million worldwide.

Lucasfilm and theatre owners have noted that once more people are allowed to buy tickets, at slightly lower prices, total sales may rise even further.

In a related story, George Lucas has announced plans to buy Northern California, for $98 billion in cash, stock, and Star Wars memorabilia. All land north of Modesto will be renamed "Lucalifornias" in 2006.

NNN EXCLUSIVE SNEAK PEEK! "STARt WARS: Episode 3: Revenge of the Shiith"

2005-05-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

movie preview by Don Rose, NNN Senior Editor

Launching this summer, the newest episode in the STARt WARS saga revolves around phase 3 of the Clone Wars. Now that the Republic has vanquished Afghanistatooine and Iraqoo, thanks in part to a vast number of Republican clones, the Supreme Chancellor has his sights set on Iranus. However, the race of mysterious Shiith in Iraqoo and Iranus becomes part of a growing resistance against the Republic. To quell the rising rebellion, the Senate grants the Chancellor special war powers, and the Chancellor promises the Senate he will use these powers to crush the Force in Iranus that threatens the Republic, then give the powers right back, "because I'm a nice guy, honest". However, the Iranus threat turns out to be a phantom menace, since there is no Deathtoamerica Star in Iranus after all -- the war turns out to be an excuse for Mr. Supreme (a.k.a. Darth Sidickcheneyus) to grab power and build the Republic into an imperial Empire, which will lead to great titles later on like "The Empire Strikes Back", "Dude, Where's My Empire?" and "Beach Blanket Empire".

Can Obi-Jon Kerryobi, Ted Kennoby and their fellow Jedemi quell the swelling Republican power grab, and preserve democracy? Will the war-raging Republican Clone Armey mean neverending DeLay tactics and the loss of ethical government, or even a totalitarian Empire State? If so, will it be housed in an Empire State Building? Will Darth Sidickcheneyus finally seduce Anykill Bushwalker all the way to the Dark Side? And most important of all, why no Yoda Soda?

Stay tuned to New News Network for all the exciting answers: trrnnn.blogspot.com

FIRST ANNUAL FAME AWARDS ANNOUNCED, HONORING MOST FAMOUS PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD AND OTHER FAME-GENERATING INDUSTRIES

2005-05-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

Oprah Winfrey Set To Host; "Honored to Be Honoring So Many Remarkably Famous People"

The Fame Awards, newest of the 892 award shows that honor Hollywood stars each year, will honor some of the top luminaries of the entertainment and political worlds for their tireless efforts to become famous, as well as those whose fame has come almost by accident. "No matter what our beginnings, or how we rose to fame, the one thing that binds us together is the fact that we are all remarkably famous people" said Ms. Winfrey, the host of this first annual gala -- the first event ever to honor famedom as an end unto itself.

In a symbol of empathy for those who have fallen from fame, a yellow ribbon will be worn by all attendees. Proceeds from the event's soundtrack will benefit the Hollywood Home for the Aged and Once Famous, and features the new song "Fame, We Hardly Knew Ye", a touching duet by Glen Campbell and Jamie Farr.

"The honorees at this event, who have been meaningful to so many of us over the years due to their great levels of fame, are legends of famedom who have been magnificent in how they pioneered and advanced the art and science of fame," Ms. Winfrey said in a statement. "It is because of their steps that our journey to even greater heights of fame truly has no boundaries."

The categories at the Fame Awards include "Newest Famous Face", "Fastest Rising Famous Star", "Most Likely To Become Famous", "Most Famous for Being Famous", and the top award, "Most Famous Person of the Year".

Publicists for the event would not confirm exactly how many famous people would attend the star-studded affair, but did say it could "easily number in the thousands, if you count the mega-famous, semi-famous and infamous as a single group."

BUSH ASKS SAUDIS FOR HELP ON OIL PRICES; INSISTS "WE CAN DO BETTER THAN $55/BARREL, I'M THINKING $65 OR HIGHER"

2005-04-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

President Bush and the Crown Prince of Saudi America will meet Monday at Bush's Texas ranch. Vice President Cheney, who met with Prince Abdullah this weekend in a secret underground bunker, reported that "price movements on oil will soon become more mobil, and our energy strategy will then be exxonerated". Abdullah, head of the oil-drenched Middle East kingdom, said he knows that gas prices could pose a political problem for the president, referring to a Gallup Poll of oil lobbyist cronies that shows they feel oil prices are "just too low" to warrant support for such a "lame lame-duck President". Americans, meanwhile, are equally split on Bush's job performance: 53 percent say they are ecstatic at the "red hot" housing market that has fattened their wallets, while 47 percent say they "feel blue all the time" and are tired of just talking about moving to Canada and just want to get on with it.

Saudi Arabia is the world's top oil extorter and leading member of the Organization of Petroleum Extorting Countries. With the price of crude topping $55 a barrel last week, Bush told a group of Evangelical Christian NRA convention attendees that he would tell Abdullah "a thing or two". When asked to be specific, Bush said he will jawbone the Saudi ruler with the facts: that "current oil prices increase the strain" on his base of support, and increasing barrel prices to $65 or higher will make his Texas oil chums "mucho happierier".

NNN EVENT LISTINGS: Metal & Comedy Shows

2005-04-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

UPCOMING METAL CONCERTS:

Trousersnake - April 29
Jed Zeppelynn - April 30
Sorry Bunch of Sailors - May 1
Muttley Kruel - May 2
Satanica - May 3
Razorlipz - May 4
Crazy Clown Crew - May 5
Metalmouth - May 6
Tod Nugget - May 7
Pukebits - May 8
Scumbums - May 9
Ransidvicious - May 11
"Gash, Gore 'n Guts" Tour 2005 -- May 12
Ted Koppellin - May 13
Harry Truman Must Die - May 13
Quaking Hole - May 14
Musty Odor - May 15
Luciferry Animals - May 16
The Poongoons, with special guest Steve "Devil Demon" Stashopolos - May 17
Kokk Headakke - May 28
Lude Zapballoon - May 30
Elves Pressedly - Jul 1
Vaginal Revolter - Jul 2
Colossal Miss - Jul 3
Tory Anus - Jul 4

UPCOMING COMEDY CONCERTS:

Eddie Innards - May 11
Asparagass Top - May 23
Bobb "The Other Guy" Hope - May 24
Whoppie Geldfeld - May 25
Allen Degenerates - May 28
The Improve-izations, featuring Impish Fellows - May 29
Bombay Bombedy - May 30
"Support Our Troops" Tour, with John Philip Susie, Jerry Whineberg and Da Wheeze - Jul 4.

BURGER KING UNVEILS 730-CALORIE "GOOD MORGAN, SPURLOCK!" SANDWICH

2005-04-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

Burger King's new breakfast sandwich has a large sausage patty, two eggs, two American cheese slices and three strips of bacon. It weighs in at 730 calories with 47 grams of fat, or "about what filmmaker Morgan Spurlock eats in one day on his girly-man vegan diet" said a Burger King spokesman, who asked not to be named, because he's a pussy. BK said they backed down from the number two alternate name for the sandwich, the "Fock Spurluck", for fear that Mr. Spurlock might sue for having to suffer the indecency of "an extra helping of publicity", which "is probably the last thing the overexposed jerk needs right now". BK's spokesman corrected me when I asked about their demographic for the new sandwich, saying "we think of our target eaters as our Enormographic".

Thanks to the tireless efforts of our top undercover mole, who goes only by the name "Wide Throat", we have uncovered an extraordinary document, which we now share. Here now is...

BK's super secret internal memo listing their
TOP rejected titles for the new breakfast item (not for reprint):

The BREAKFEAST sandwich
The ENORMELET
The CALOREASE sandwich
DA BOMBELET
L'EGGS MEGAPUFFIN
The MORGUE-IN GOODLUCK sandwich
The MORNING SPURLUCK sandwich
THe GOOD MORGAN SPURATTACK
The MORE GAIN SPUR GUT sandwich
The EGGMAKEPUFFIN
THe HUGESONOVABEECH sandwich
The BETCHACANTEATONE challenge
The MORNING MANLY MEAL
HEARTHATERS HEAVEN
The STUPIDSUPERDUPER
The WAKEUPTOYOURWAKE
WhopperTopper
The JUMBODUMBO
The HEARTTOSWALLOW sandwich

RARE MAMMOTH REMAINS FOUND AT U.S. CONSTRUCTION SITE, NEXT TO SKELETON OF DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSMAN WITH BACKBONE

2005-04-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

Based on skeletal evidence, the mammoth is believed to have stood approximately 12 feet tall, sporting eight-foot tusks. The Democrat, a member of the long-extinct species Thinkus Independus, is believed to be distantly related to the Sheen family.

(report filed by Don Rose, Senior News Editor, TheRoseReview.com)

SHUTTLE READIES FOR LAUNCH, DESPITE CRACK; NASA INSISTS "U.S. MUST RETURN TO EARLY 60's GLOBAL DOMINANCE IN NUMBER OF ROCKET LAUNCH EXPLOSIONS"

2005-04-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

Despite evidence of a crack in "part of one of its parts", the shuttle is, according to NASA, "just fine, peachy keen, A-OK and ready to blow. I mean, go". The upcoming shuttle launch is vitally important to NASA, said spokesman Kip Torn. "We sincerely hope", said Torn, "to remind the world just how mundane, mind-numbingly uninspiring space drudgery is done".

(report filed by Don Rose, Senior News Editor, TheRoseReview.com)

PREZ AND CONGRESS SIGN BILL OUTLAWING CREMATION; "CANNOT TAKE RISK THAT A POSSIBLY STILL ALIVE DEAD PERSON MAY COME BACK TO FULL ALIVENESS", SAYS GOP

2005-04-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

The GOP leadership also announced plans to ban all references to death in normal speech, as part of their "Culture Of Life" reform package. For example, if passed, uttering phrases like "I killed 'em, we slayed 'em, I died out there, dying is easy comedy is hard, the bill was dead on arrival, we killed the bill, Bring Out Yer Dead, death and taxes, Meat Is Murder, Kill Bill", etc., could result in the Death Penalty.

(report filed by Don Rose, Senior News Editor, TheRoseReview.com)

DYING BLACK JEWISH LESBIAN WITHOUT HEALTH CARE BEGS TO BE KEPT ALIVE; DISAPPOINTED AT LACK OF SPECIAL INTERVENTION BY CONGRESS, PRESIDENT OR GOVERNOR

2005-04-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

The woman, Shaneequa "Butch" Lipschitz, told TRR she cannot afford health care, and really would like to go to the hospital and be kept alive -- "but since I am clearly dying here, I figured Congress or the Prez would step in and make a special law, like they did for that other woman. But so far, no dice. What am I, chopped liver?" The GOP answered charges of bias in a statement: "Hey, we have a hard enough time finding and prolonging the lives of all the dying people in our Base, let alone those not in our Base" said the head of LifeCops, a new group created by the GOP to monitor and react to dying people who, under new law, must now be kept alive under all circumstances.

(report filed by Don Rose, Senior News Editor, TheRoseReview.com)

DEFIANT MCGWIRE TELLS CONGRESS "I WON'T NAME NAMES" OF STEROID USING SLUGGERS, "BUT HERE ARE SOME NICKNAMES"

2005-03-17T12:30:00.000-08:00

Retired slugger Mark McGwire told a congressional panel investigating drugs in baseball that he would not "participate in naming names" in some kind of "reckless shameful witchhunt" of "hardworking heroic players" who used steroids "using their own hard earned money", but then added that "nicknames are okay, I guess". He then launched into an hour long list of slugger nicknames who used, abused or thought about abusing steroids. Some of the nicknames he cited included "Slammy Soso", "Marc MacWider" and "Berry Bonz" (aka "The Bonz") -- given the name because, according to McGwire, "he likes berry flavored steroids the best". The panel almost cited McGwire for contempt, blasting the future halloffamer for providing nicknames "that could take weeks to decipher". Mark then added the nickname "Butt Seeleague" to his list, which some pundits felt may have outed baseball commissioner Bud Selig as a steroid user. In response, Selig yelled, "Poppycock! I stopped abusing the juice years ago, and even that was a youthful indiscretion. Besides, everyone knows my real nickname is Fluppy."

FAREWELL RATHER GOOD FOR CBS, WINS NEWS RATINGS; NEW NIGHTLY RATHER FAREWELL SHOW LAUNCHES NEXT WEEK

2005-03-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

In a move to capitalize on the hot ratings Dan Rather gathered during his final broadcast in the top news seat, CBS decided to extend the Anchor of Rancor's 630pm contract, announcing that the show will be renamed "The CBS Evening News: Last Broadcast with Dan Rather". "The concept has worked wonders with aging rock bands, and Cher, what with all their farewells and reunions and re-farewells and re-reunion tours, which the public can't eat up enough, so we figured, heck, why not for news?" said CBS's Head of Programming Publicity, Greg Gregarios. "Did you see those Eye-popping numbers for Dan, pun intended?" quipped Greg. "We beat the other two guys, hands down, and the higherups said, hey, maybe we were too quick to judge Dan, maybe we should ask Rather to unquit. Let him say goodbye every night, until the public tires of such a blatantly pandering stunt. And so they did." Rather was unavailable for comment, as he was busy finishing his special with retired NBC news anchor Tom Brokaw, about the new upcoming Harry Potter book; the show, "Tom, Dan and Harry", will air on the FantasyGeek channel this summer.

MICHAEL POWELL BIDS FAREWELL TO FCC; SAYS HE WILL MISS PENALIZING PEOPLE, THEN FINES HIMSELF $3MIL FOR SAYING "PENALIZING"

2005-03-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

With tears in his eyes, outgoing FCC chief Michael Powell said goodbye to his co-workers today, but did not laugh at all at the farewell party cake, which read "FCC ya later, Alligator!". Powell, son of Colin Powell, said his obsession with dirty words and Janet Jackson's breasts has nothing to do with his father's "funny first name", teasing he got as a kid, and a rebuffing by Ms. J at a swank Hillary Swank party a few years ago. Powell said he will most miss "all the penalizing that goes on around here", then he immediately slapped himself with a three million dollar fine for saying a word with the Latin dirty root "penal".

WOULDN'T YOU RATHER HAVE A JENNINGS? DAN EYES EYE EXIT; SECRET MEMO LEAKS LAST LINE LIST

2005-03-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

He was always known for rather unorthodox Ratherisms.
He allegedly said farewell to Walter Cronkite with the line, "Are you finished?".
Then he took over CBS Evening News, and began ending each broadcast with "Courage".
That didn't last long. Nor did his sweaters.
Then, lately, there was plenty to sweat about.
Then he ended his farewell dinner with co-workers with the line, "Are you finished with that?"

So, then, what will Dandy Dan's final on-air goodbye be?
What utterance will close his 24 year reign as Anchor of Rancor?
Now, for the first time anywhere, TRR scoops other news nets by bringing you the list of lines Rather ran by his bosses for his final day's final phrase:

I'M DAN RATHER, AND YOU'RE NOT.

I'M DAN RATHER, AND I'D RATHER NOT DO THIS ANYMORE. SEE YA.

I'M RATHER... PLEASED... TO BE SAYING GOODBYE.

COURAGE, COMPADRE.

YOU CAN TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT. I AINT ANCHORIN NO MO'.

COURAGE, COMPADRE. SAYONARA.

WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH? HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW!

PORRIDGE.

I HATE MY JOB. DONT YOU? BE HONEST. G'NIGHT.

STORAGE.

THIS HAS BEEN A BLAST. OR SHOULD I SAY, WILL BE. BOMB FOOTAGE AT 11. BYE NOW.

I AM INCOURAGEABLE. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD RIDDANCE.

THANKS FOR A bush WONDERFUL knew QUARTER CENTURY AS 911 YOUR ANCHOR, AND AS I LEAVE YOU knew ahead of time I HOPE YOU WILL trust me on this one REMEMBER ME WELL seriously AND SO, bankrupting economy THIS IS DAN bush bum RATHER, SIGNING worst president ever OFF.

50 CENT SUED BY AGING VAUDEVILLIAN; "FOUR BITS" FINKELSTEIN CLAIMS RAPPER STOLE HIS ACT

2005-03-02T23:48:00.000-08:00

Once-famed showbiz legend Fyvish "Four Bits" Finkelstein is suing rapper 50 Cent for "50 million cents" in damages for allegedly stealing the aging entertainer's act. "He took it, hook line and sinker -- and the stinker never even called to thank me, take me out for matzo ball soup, nothin'!" screamed Four Bits. "Me, I bend over backwards to help any schmendrick with a shtick. But not this schvartze!" Meanwhile, in a related story, Hal "Half Dollar" Dollard is also filing suit against 50 Cent, claiming the rapper owes him 50 cents. "I gave him four bits too much from the register" said Half Dollar, "and Mister Cent didn't even have the courtesy to acknowledge my error when he bought that copy of Gangsta Rap Weekly from my store. What a bastard." 50 Cent could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman told TRR that with all the hubbub, the music star is considering going back to his real name, Ernest Twoquartermain.

NEWS TEAM MISTAKENLY HIRES WEATHERMAN WITH NORMAL SOUNDING NAME

2005-02-26T08:05:00.000-08:00

IMMEDIATELY PRESSURES "JOHN SMITH" TO CHANGE NAME TO SOMETHING AMUSING

Young meteorologist John Smith took over for Gale Storm today at local station KLAX, causing an immediate reaction of outrage from weathermen at other LA stations. Dallas Raines, Johnny Mountain, Fritz Coleman, Snowball Jones, Sleet Lightning and other local stars of weather reportage all signed a petition, sent to the National Weatherman Name Registry, strongly urging the Registry to censure John Smith, fine him, and force him to use a more amusing moniker. Retired weather legend Hal "Hail" Thunderpanz explained, "If we allow one local weatherman to use a regular name, think of the example it will set for all future weathermen. It will spread like a virus. We simply cannot allow the menace named John Smith to go unchecked."

BONO NOMINATED FOR NOBEL PRIZE IN SELF-ADMIRATION

2005-02-18T01:53:00.000-08:00

U2 singer Bono is, according to Nobelbookies.com, a 3-to-1 favorite to take the prize in the new Nobel category, which honors the human being considered the most proud, self-satisfied, or "mediawhorish" in pursuit of worthy causes worldwide. Bono was unavailable for comment, as he was busy undergoing treatment for mirror addiction, but his agent, Lefty Lipshitzovitz, told TRR that his client "couldn't be more pleased with the nomination -- unless he was, say, being fellated by four or five fans in Philly. But that won't be till next Tuesday."

This story has been brought to you by Nobelly Inc., the premiere Nobel Prize money loan service. When you need your Nobel dough in a hurry, call us. Cash in a flash, or we eat our commission. Call 800-I-NEED-IT. "Nobelly does it better."

FIORINA OUT AS HP CEO; MONKEY THAT MAKES DECISIONS BY THROWING DARTS AT PIE CHARTS IN

2005-02-10T01:31:00.000-08:00

Hewlett Packard took what some called a radical step today, announcing a monkey will replace its current CEO. According to an HP spokesman, the exit of Carly "The Broad" Fiorina was "totally her decision, with absolutely no prodding or coaxing whatsoever by us, and that's the God's honest truth, I swear on a stack of Bibles and may God strike me dead if I'm lyin' here." After dropping dead, his replacement told TRR the monkey move was inspired "at least in part" by many Super Bowl commercials of the past few years, where simians "seem to handle work pretty darn well, and with a lot of zest and enthusiasm to boot". No word on the exact amount of compensation the new CEO will receive, but we have learned that the salary range is between 10 million and 12 million bananas per year, with a golden parachute of 3 million bananas if he is replaced at some point by a dog or ferret.

NORTH KOREA, "TIRED OF IRAN GETTING ALL THE ATTENTION", ANNOUNCES IT HAS NUKES, AND HAS LOST 20 POUNDS

2005-02-10T01:15:00.000-08:00

Axis of Evil Founding Member North Korea, in a move that stunned the part of the world that has never seen a TV, announced that they have nuclear weapons. A spokesman told TRR they hope this announcement will draw America away from its "infatuation" with Iran, and think about them for a while. However, some nuclear pundits and phallic symbol experts told TRR the nuke news is actually "overblown", and that the weapons in question "are actually really very teeny tiny nukes, with the TNT equivalence of three or four firecrackers, tops".

NUDE PORNSTAR REPLACES RATHER; "CBS EVENING NEWS WITH JENNA JUGGS" JETS TO TOP SPOT WITH RECORD EYE-NET EYEBALLS

2005-02-04T06:39:00.000-08:00

RATINGS "NOT OUR MAIN REASON FOR HIRING NAKED STRIPPER-PORNSTAR NEWSREADER" SWEARS CBS PREZ; "IT HAS MORE TO DO WITH POWELL LEAVING THE FCC"

Ratings for "The CBS Evening News with Jenna Juggs" shot through the roof Thursday night, as Dan Rather's busty successor set Nielsen records, bringing in record viewership in every demographic except "octogenarian Evangelical Christian". "My eyes nearly popped out" exclaimed CBS head Les Moonvest. "Not at Jenna, but at the ratings". ABC took notice too; noting the advancing age of Peter Jennings, an alphabetery intern told TRR they're in talks with Diane "Boomboom" Pontoons to take the reins of their newsteam, although higherups deny the rumors. NBC, which just made the switcheroo from Tom Brokaw to Brian Williams (despite, according to one leaked memo, Brian's "less than stellar tits"), denies it desperately wants to spice up its anchor desk by adding topless titan Chesty Whoremoan to its Nightly lineup. FOX, for its part, told TRR they have a standing offer out to Quisha Gazongas to be lead anchor, if their lawyers can get Quisha out of her iron-clad contract with Sexsocket Entertainment.

"FAHRENHEIT 9/11", "DEM JEW BASTARDS KILLED CHRIST" SNUBBED BY OSCAR(tm)(sm)(r)(:-)

2005-01-26T06:50:00.000-08:00

MOORE FILM ONLY GETS "BEST TEMPERATURE" NOMINATION; GIBSON DEBUTS "CHRIST: SECOND COMING SOON" PROMO FOR PRESS

Michael Moore, outraged at the oversight by the world's biggest awards show, vowed to change their minds by going on a hunger strike "for as long as it takes, or 15 minutes, whichever comes first". Jennifer Garner garnered no noms as well. Mel Gibson, whose "Christ" film received few Oscolades, said he didn't care, since he will make a mint from his upcoming sequel, "Christ Forgives Dem Bloody Jew Bastards For Stiffing The Last Supper Tip". (Mel told TRR he'd love to give a full interview, but he's busy putting final touches on his "Abbott and Costello Meet The Three Stooges Meet The Four Seasons On Mars" remake). In a related story, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to drop the "and Sciences" part of their name, citing the fact that most scientists left the organization years ago.

BUSH SWORN IN; PROMISES TO SPREAD LIBERTY, UPHOLD MORAL VALUES, KILL MORE TOWELHEADS

2005-01-20T13:35:00.000-08:00

exclusive NNN team coverage of the Inaugural coronation

The President outlined several key proposals for his second term, which W dubbed "The Bush Push". This Push must be passed, he said, "not just 'cause I think it's a just cause, but 'cause the Lord just told me it's a just cause". His broad and ambitious list of action items include:

* Operation Here We Go Again:
The Search for Nukes In Iran
* Reducing Taxes
* Expanding Texas
* Privatizing Social Security
* Privatizing Homeland Security
* Privatizing Iraqi Prison Security
* Ban on Gay Marriage
* Ban on Gay Dating
* Ban on Gay Flirting
* Ban on Gay Handshakes
* Ban on Stem Cell Phone Research
* Ban on Teaching Evolution
except when it harms the health of the teacher
* Ban on the Democratic Party

This last point raised the most eyebrows. Democrats responded vehemently, immediately forming a commission, and telling the press they will balk feverishly at this agenda item, perhaps using a filibuster. However, they say there may still be room for compromise, and do not wish to step on any toes.

New technology is also on the President's second term agenda. High on his wish list, said Bush, is the "Democracy Wand", which, once waived over a nation, will transform it into a democratic society. It is believed to be several years away from fruition. Mr. Bush also called for increased funding for NASA, to search for Christian life on Mars.

In perhaps his most memorable phrase, The President also introduced a bold new Bush Doctrine: "America can do unto others whatever we wish to do unto them". Later in the speech, he stated the Doctrine another way: "We shall do unto others before they do unto us".

Bush also reached out to black voters, on this Martin Luther King holiday week, by launching his new "I Have A Dream House" initiative, providing credits to black citizens to help them buy their first home, provided they first prove their Christian faith by living for a year as a white man's slave. "After such proof of their faith in Jesus, we shall verily provide bountiful tax credits to help such people of color buy a dream house" -- where, the President joked, "they may be fruitful and, God willing, not multiply too much".

Other speech highlights included a long-anticipated call for a National Jew Not Call List... proposed tax relief for those making over $100,000 a year who have suffered too great a reduction in tax... and a bill that would seek Reparations for millionaires who lost money in the "sinful stock market crash". Homeland security was also addressed: after invoking the phrase "9/11" a record 58 times, Bush proposed that airlines adopt a Facial Color Alert system, "inspired by" the current color-coded danger level system now in place, which most experts agree has saved countless millions of lives.

To help the economy stay "strong and vibrant", Mr. Bush proposed that Congress enact a monthly shopping day called "Christmall", in order to "stimulate our New Economy every New Moon". Intended as a monthly "Christmas Lite", Christmall will, according to the President, have a different theme each month -- January: buy gifts for black friends, February, buy gifts for all those we love, March, buy gifts for Irish friends, April, buy gifts for friends who didn't get a tax refund, May, buy memorial gifts for those friends who have family that died in war, June, buy gifts for those just married, July, buy gifts for your most patriotic friends, and so on.

Although new programs was his main focus, Bush also insisted he will reduce the massive, record-breaking, back-breaking deficit. The President's top cost cutting proposal: move our boys from Iraq right over to Iran for the next war, without wasting funds on bringing them home and then shipping 'em out again. "Imagine the savings!" Bush quipped, which led ailing Chief Justice Rehnquist to laugh so hard he had to be removed on a stretcher.

Despite the Rehnquist flap, it was a passionate and moving 20 minute speech, according to the Christian campaign contributors in attendance. In wrapping up, Bush thanked members of his base and other supporters that helped him ride to "a massive 53 percent majority mandate" -- including conservative Christians, evangelical Christians, and God. Condoleeza Rice and Leeza Gibbons then sang a duet version of "Let The Eagle Soar", outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft's touching song of freedom, as 1000 bald eagles and endangered condors were let loose over the throngs of crying Christians. All in all, it was $14 million well spent, indeed.

PRES BUSH, IN ATTEMPT TO MEND FENCES WITH PEOPLE OF COLOR, WILL HONOR M.L.KING BIRTHDAY WITH "I HAVE A DREAM HOUSE" SPEECH

2005-01-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

After the landmark Bush speech, Vice President Cheney will go to Rochester to perform the ribbon cutting on the new $12million Amos and Andy Center for Racial Stereotypes.

IRAQ WMD SEARCH ENDS, WITH ZERO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND; U.S. BLAMES PREMATURE CANCELLATION OF BODY CAVITY SEARCH AT ABU GHRAIB PRISON

2005-01-12T13:22:00.000-08:00

The U.S. search squad in Iraq, now suffering from "being majorly bummed out" after finding no WMD's, "can still take heart at all the items they DID find" said Colonel Tennyson J. Wyker. Some of the items Col. Wyker claims his team found at Iraqi prisons:

* Howard Dean poster
* Book by John Kerry, "My Secret Plan for the Mass Liberalization of America"
* Official John Edwards nuts
* Hillary Rodham Clinton pom-poms
* Arianna Huffington hotcake recipes
* Ted Kennedy drinking game

When asked if millions of Americans might become outraged that the original reason we went to war in Iraq has now proven totally faulty, White House spokesman Lefty McShift laughed heartily, then, after catching his breath, said "Come on, we bailed from that and switched to other official reasons months ago, can't you guys keep up?"

U.S. PLANS TO SEND PROBE INTO COMET, WITH GOAL OF PROVING THERE ARE ALWAYS THINGS TO SPEND TAX MONEY ON BESIDES HEALTH CARE

2005-01-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

ELVIS PRESLEY ENTERPRISES BEING SOLD FOR $100 MIL; AUCTION OF JESUS CHRIST ENTERPRISES MAY BE NEXT

2004-12-17T04:23:00.000-08:00

BOTH ESTATES DENY MERGER RUMORS; CHRIST REPS EXPECT $3 BIL BID BY CHRISTMAS

AP reports that Presley heiress Lisa Marie will keep her father's mansion (Graceland) but sell off most of the rest of Elvis's estate, including rights to his name and image, in order to rake in approximately $100 million. The current company name, "Elvis Presley Enterprises", will change slightly to accommodate the new buyer, but they insist Elvis Nippon Enterprises "will continue to promote the lofty goals of the Presley family: to expand the Elvis brand into new markets worldwide, via willy-nilly licensing of the King to anyone with a pulse, or without". Lisa Marie ultimately turned down the chance to form Elvis Prestone Enterprises, Elvis Pelvis Organ Repair, and Elvis Aluminum Siding Enterprises, since the bids involved were "simply too chincy".

In a related story, Jesus Christ Enterprises may soon hit the auction block as well. Sales of all things Jesus have remained strong, especially during the millenial second-coming frenzy -- but business experts expect a much higher selling price, "given the proven track record of the Christ brand over the past several centuries". Potential buyers who have expressed interest in JCE include Jerry Falwell, the KKK, and Union Carbide.

Jesus, Elvis is hotter than ever! Now let's all sing "Amazing Graceland"...

TRR TOP TWELVE 2004: MOST POPULAR POP SONG TOPICS

2004-12-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

With the Grammy nominations just announced, we decided to look at what songwriters of this year's top tunes were inspired by. After analyzing over 1000 hits, TRR found they wrote most about the following universal themes:

1. Love
2. Lost love
3. Long lost loves
4. Bush
5. Lost bush
6. Long lost bush
7. Lost keys
8. What songwriters over 40 are supposed to do about music ageism
9. The comedic genius of Christopher Guest
10. Ways to get into prison
11. Popping cops (top charttopper: "Mary's Poppin' ")
12. The promising future of fuel-cell engines

FABERGE EGG COMPANY, SEEKING TO SHORE UP SHARE PRICE, SUES "EVERY SPY FILM EVER MADE"

2004-12-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

ALSO SUES 978 "HEIST FILMS"; SEEKS $3 BILLION IN ROYALTIES, AND RETURN OF STOLEN PRICELESS EGG

PEARL HARBOR SPEECHES COMMEMORATE BOMBING OF BEN AFFLECK'S CAREER

2004-12-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

PRESIDENT SAYS "WE WILL NEVER GIVE UP IN THE WAR ON TERRIBLE"

"We cannot and will not rest... until all terrible celluloids are vanquished" said Mr. Bush, at a ceremony marking the anniversary of the approximate day Ben Affleck's career began its current decline. "Although we will never forget the damage and pain caused by that barrage of awful movies and abundance of hype, we can all take comfort in the fact that Affleck movies are no longer guaranteed blockbusters. And we will continue our struggle, until, God willing, all copies of Gigli are permanently removed from the face of the Earth".

NEW NEWS NOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY... DUMBASS LIMITED

2004-12-03T10:37:00.000-08:00

JEOPARDY JENIUS JOLTED! 74-GAME WIN STREAK STRUCK DOWN BY QUESTION, "WHO IS KEN JENNINGS"

2004-12-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

The answer: "This man, after winning well over $2 million during a 74 game streak, became the highest paid contestant in game show history". Unfortunately, the judges said that Ken's answer of "Who is Kent Shennings", while very close, was just not close enough. Although Ken argued that he actually did say the correct answer, it was all in vain. His great streak was over.

STATES FACE FIGHT WITH SUPREME COURT OVER MEDICAL HOOKER LAWS

2004-11-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

MANY USERS INSIST "WE NEED PROSTITUTES TO SURVIVE"

As several states face a fight with federal foes over "Medical Marijuana" laws - which let citizens get high as long as they have a note - "Medical Madam" laws are facing an even tougher fight. "I simply have to have hard, wild sex with a curvaceous, experienced blonde every day, or I'm gonna die" said one Medical Madam patient. "I need my hooker just as much as those other freaks need their pot." Others were not so convinced. The federal Sex Czar, Dr. Peter Phaless, said in a statement that "allowing Medical Madam laws to go unchallenged will undermine our efforts to conduct the War On Sex. That is a war we intend to win." Advocacy group Hooked on Hookers took a different tack, saying advanced treatment -- such as gradual withdrawal from hookers and replacement with dull, librarian-type "prostitute substitutes", is the best answer.

MUTANT INTELLIGENT RODENT ESCAPES GOVT LAB; MILLIONS FLEE NEW YORK IN HORROR

2004-11-25T03:11:00.000-08:00

MANY SCREAM, "OH, THE HUMONGITY"

As Big Applers scurried about in preparation for the annual Black Friday Shopping Holiday, a being described as "a gigantic, intelligent rat, probably from a secret government lab" ran amok in Manhattan, scaring children and adults and transvestites alike. A top secret cabal of military/government/corporate leaders immediately snapped into action, meeting in secret session to decide how best to use this to further curtail citizens' rights. Meanwhile, while mainstream media mavens made the massive mouse out to be an "imminent threat" to millions, some New Yorkers yelled curse words and tried to subdue the rampaging rodent with rope, to no avail. President Bush declared the city a disaster area, just after declaring Richard Branson's new reality show a disaster area. Bush told a national TV audience that the immense freak of nature "did not appear to be linked with any known terrorist group", and those in the Northeast "should go about their normal lives, perhaps with extra cheese".