Thursday, November 20, 2003
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
THE ROSE REVIEW by Don Rose
NOV. 18, 2003 ---- Weekly Edition
the new governor's fawning sycophantic mouthpiece!
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Editor's Note: rest assured, dear Reader, that just because newly
sworn-in Gov. Schwarzenegger has given some of his excess war-che$t
to us here at TRR does NOT mean our journalistic integrity will be
affected. We will remain as independent and hard-hitting as ever.
//////////////////////////////WELOVEARNIE////////////////////////////////////
OUR LEAD STORIES
///////////////////////////////////////////SCHWARTZYISNUMBERONE//////////
BEATLES NEW CD, "LET IT BE... NAKED",
FINALLY RELEASED; IMMEDIATELY BANNED BY
SUPREME COURT FOR NUDITY
Paul McCartney decided not to "let it be", and remixed the classic
album -- stripping it of Phil Spector's strings, and other frills, that were
added last minute back in the prehistoric "Long Hair" Epoch, circa
1970. New on this CD: an unreleased version of "Don't Let Me Down"
-- and a sweet touching ballad, previously unknown, entitled
"All You Need Is Every Last Ounce Of Quid From Your Fans, Love"
Good news: there's also a BONUS DISC, free with purchase!
Bad news: it's 74 minutes of Yoko screaming "Revolution", in French.
www.thebeatles.com
ARNOLD GROPES FOR WORDS AT INAUGURATION
IN SACRAMENTO; ARRIVING IN MOTORCADE OF
TANKS IS "OLD AUSTRIAN TRADITION", HE INSISTS
After 21 tank salute, Schwarzenegger gave speech which included
several new catch phrases, like "I hate fires, fire bad!", "In my
administration, it'll be Hasta La Vista to all fires!", and "Where, my
fellow citizens, are the decent steroid substitutes?". He went on
to say, "let me indulge you with a few of the directors I can't stand".
Arnold also paid tribute to his wife's mother's brother, John Kennedy,
quoting JFK's famous line, "Ask not... what your
hands can do for women... for it turns chicks off when you ask".
Finally, the new state leader made good on a campaign promise
by signing Executive Order No. 1: repealing the L.A. Lap Dance ban.
SLY STALLONE SWORN IN AS STATE'S FIRST
"VICE GOVERNOR"
Arnold appoints friend and fellow "wordy actor" to newly created post,
telling Lt. Gov. Cruz "Bustamove" Bustamente to "LEAVE... NOW...".
Proving he wants to streamline and "trim down" state government,
the new Gov also appoints fellow thespian Steven Seagal to newly
created position, "Secretary of the Arts and Firearms"
RUSH GOES BACK ON AIR; AFTER KICKING PAIN-
KILLER HABIT, LIMBAUGH NOW ADMITS SUFFERING
FROM SECOND LONG-PRESENT ADDICTION:
"SAYING CRAP THAT PISSES PEOPLE OFF"
These and other amazing stories, perhaps, after this...
///////////////////////////////////////////
ADVERTISEVENT
///////////////////////////////////////
TRR Rating: ***** "Party With A Purpose", a fabulous annual L.A.
event, returns to Riviera Country Club, THIS FRIDAY, Nov. 21!
Join ELITE CONNECTIONS for a fun-filled evening benefiting
The Salvation Army Youth Center and a local orphanage;
bring your friends (married or single)! 6:30 Cocktails, 7:30-9:30 a great
buffet, 6:30-10:00 Silent Auction. Live music! (Bring a new toy, game
or sports equipment and get up to 10 raffle tickets!) -- get Ticket Info at
http://eliteconnections.com/Events.htm or, for more info, contact
Sherri Murphy at 800-923-4200. Please tell 'em you saw it in The
Rose Review! If you know anyone who'd like to donate raffle or
auction prizes, contact Elite Connections, or Sherri.
Party proceeds will be used to give Christmas parties to needy kids.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
COMMENTARY: The Rose Retort
"Muscle Man Mantra", or, "Hero He-Man Hegemony"
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Now that the RECALLibration of California is complete, it seems there
is a clear political trend here. It began a few years back, when
Minnesota chose Jesse "The Body" Ventura as Governor. Then
Colin "The Uniform" Powell was the Presidential front-runner, until he
dropped out (because, he insisted, "an honored, respected,
intelligent black war leader can't win diddly, till Southern voters
accept the fact that I'm intelligent"). Now the Arnold blitzkrieg has
taken over, and Gen. Wesley Clark has come from nowhere to share
top billing in the Democratic "Prez-idate" race (helped by his
innovative website, www.voteforclarkandyouget100bucks.com).
Obviously, the American people are saying: WE WANT HEROES.
Either real ones (like General Clark) or fictional ones (a la Arnold and
Jesse). Doesn't seem to matter. In fact, Superman and Aquaman
came in 1 and 2 when included in Presidential tracking polls.
How will this trend play out? Obviously, musclemen are going to grab
power in more states. Jack LaLaine recently pulled 2 yachts with his
teeth to show he'd be the strongest candidate for Governor of Florida,
where ancient age is an asset. Stone Cold Steve Austin in Austin?
Could be, if he decides to put a full-nelson hold on the Texas
statehouse (where the motto is, "no political expertise - no problem!").
And The Rock says he has the name recognition to become "Mayor
of Alcatraz" (which makes no sense, "but that just makes John Q.
Averageguy love him even more" say San Fran fans).
So, what advice are politicos giving nervous incumbents?
Two words: PUMP IRON.
Four more: GET A SAG CARD.
Other candidates are heeding this advice. The Green Party has leaked
photos to TRR showing that Ralph Nader has been working out like
a madman, downing protein shakes by the bucketful, to bulk up his
scrawny frame and change his "spindly image". Insiders also tell TRR
Nader is taking acting at Stella Adler, although he "sucks at improv".
If "Vote Raider" Nader doesn't improve in his thespian quest, or gain
more bulk, the Greens won't sulk, they'll go with the Hulk.
(With the Jolly Green Giant as running mate? Two Green Thumbs up!)
So what does all this mean for the Presidency in 2004? Sure, Bush is
in decent shape, but he's no Hulk Hogan. While Superman couldn't
be reached for comment, Aquaman denied any interest in running.
The sea superhero told TRR he "hates land" most of the time --
and wants to develop a closer relationship with his son,
Amphibianboy. That leaves only G.I. Joe, but he too says he won't run
--"because women won't stomach an anatomically incorrect candidate".
Based onTRR's own polls, we predict it will be a "Dean/Clark" ticket for
the Democrats, versus "Bush/He-Man" for the GOP -- but the
Justice League's "Batman/Robin" ticket will be the one to beat.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
CALEEFORNIA POST-RECALL NEWS
//////////////////////////////IORDERYOUTOORDERYOURARNOLDPOSTER/////////
SCHWARZEGGER EGO INFLATES TO "DANGEROUS LEVELS",
SAY DOCTORS; MASSIVE ATTENTION FROM GOVERNOR
WIN "MAY BE FATAL IF HE DOESN'T SLOW DOWN HIS
VORACIOUS APPETITE FOR ATTENTION"
LEFT-WING MEDICAL-MARIJUANA MILLIONAIRE
FINANCES "RECALL SCHWARZENEGGER" DRIVE
"You can't (long inhale) start these things too early, dude" he mumbles
"RECALL THE RECALL" VOTE MAY GET ON 2004 BALLOT
Here is what the proposed ballot would look like:
QUESTION ONE: Do you want to recall the recall?
QUESTION TWO: If yes, what do you want to replace the recall with?
1. Monthly Popularity contest
2. Yearly Beauty Pageant
3. Whoever raises the most dough
4. Whoever buys the most signatures
5. The Usual, Standard Ol' Boring Method called "Majority Voting"
6. Wet T-Shirt Contest
SCHWARZENEGGER ANNOUNCES HE WILL PULL
OUT OF LATEST SEQUEL, "SEXUAL PREDATOR"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////ARNOLDIN2006!/////////
GREAT THINGS TO DO and cool websites too
//////////////////////////////////BUYARNOLDACTIONFIGURES,NOW!!!//////////
Into new forms of music? Nov 19 -- electronic music show -- at
new REDCAT wing of Walt Disney music hall, downtown LA!
call 213 237 2800 or go to redcatweb.org
Just 1 performance left! Catch comedienne/actress Jann Karam
in "RECLINING NUDE ON LA CIENEGA"! (Not literally, you perv!)
-- A handpainted monologue about life, love, and finding a place to lie
down. --At the ACME THEATRE, 135 N. LaBrea, Thursday Nov. 20;
8pm; Reservations: 323.851.3754; Tickets: $12 (2 for 1 -- that helps!)
WHO SAYS PRETTY GIRLS HAVE IT EASY? (or easy girls have
it pretty?) DUE TO OVERWHELMING DEMAND, "PIECES(of Ass)"
is extending its Los Angeles engagement at the STUFF THEATRE
(Raleigh Studios) in Hollywood -- through Dec 20th!
***BROOKE BURKE is GUEST "CenterPIECE" Nov20 and 21***
MORE CELEB CenterPIECES at ALL DEC. PERFORMANCES.
TICKETS ON SALE at WWW.PIECESOFASS.COM or by calling
(800)595-4849. DOORS OPEN 7pm FOR COCKTAILS AND MUSIC;
SHOWTIME 8pm. Tickets $40, include FIRST DRINK FREE and
admission to post-show party. Info/questions? Call 323.658.8531
Beautifully Remodeled Culver Hotel: entertainment all week!
Monday: comedy; Tues.: Salsa Night; Thursday: Swing Night. NO
COVER! PROMOTION BY TODD ELLIOT (swingentertainment.com).
9400 Culver Blvd.(Culver City) at Washington Blvd. 310-838-7963.
Visit RADIO PARALLAX! Where yours truly performs voices!
http://www.radioparallax.com
It is, quite simply, the best one-hour show on radio -- if you don't count
NPR, PRI, or any show with the letter "E" in it; RP is "chock full of great
news, comedy and commentary each week" says the Miami Harold;
"witty, often brilliant, and increases your sex drive" raves the
New York Post-Times; classic show segments are archived as well
////////////////////////////////////
CLASSIFIEDS
///////////////////////////////////
Looking for the right words? Experienced writer available to
transform your idea or document into the final product you desire.
Press releases, papers, personal ad, speech, script rewrite, jokes,
whatever! Just send the basics of what you have and what you want,
and you'll get back results. Fast, easy, personal, professional.
Contact Dr. Don: ddrose@aol.com.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The Rose Review (TRR): News/Commentary/Art by Don Rose
///////LETARNIEBEPREZ!!!////////CHANGECONSTITUTION.ORG/////
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Want TRR for your publication or show?
Contact: Dr. Don Rose, Ph.D. 310 208 1171 ddrose@aol.com
Writer/Comedian (Books, TV, Radio, Online)
Writer and Voiceover Artist, Radio Parallax:
weekly mix of commentary and comedy,
hosted by Douglas Everett; tune in at
KDVS FM in No.Cal., or online at www.radioparallax.com
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Got event notices? Kindly send them to: ddrose@aol.com
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
TRR Idea Consultant: Douglas Everett.
If you liked TRR, please forward to your friends and colleagues.
We'd love to hear your feedback on this Rose Prose; email us!
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
If you want to stop getting The Rose Review, just do one of the following:
(1) send an email saying you don't want TRR anymore, and I will obey;
(2) open your window and yell "No More TRR!", I have good hearing;
(3) lighten up, decide TRR is actually fun, send it to 10 friends, do step 4.
(4) Go to Step 3.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
TheRoseReview(TRR), RoseProse, RoseArt, Copyright2003.
Tales of the weird, the wild, the wired, the world --
unique verses, diverse universes. (All rights reserved, and shy.)
/////////////ARNOLDISMOREPOPULARTHANJESUS.COM/////////////
THE ROSE REVIEW by Don Rose
NOV. 18, 2003 ---- Weekly Edition
the new governor's fawning sycophantic mouthpiece!
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Editor's Note: rest assured, dear Reader, that just because newly
sworn-in Gov. Schwarzenegger has given some of his excess war-che$t
to us here at TRR does NOT mean our journalistic integrity will be
affected. We will remain as independent and hard-hitting as ever.
//////////////////////////////WELOVEARNIE////////////////////////////////////
OUR LEAD STORIES
///////////////////////////////////////////SCHWARTZYISNUMBERONE//////////
BEATLES NEW CD, "LET IT BE... NAKED",
FINALLY RELEASED; IMMEDIATELY BANNED BY
SUPREME COURT FOR NUDITY
Paul McCartney decided not to "let it be", and remixed the classic
album -- stripping it of Phil Spector's strings, and other frills, that were
added last minute back in the prehistoric "Long Hair" Epoch, circa
1970. New on this CD: an unreleased version of "Don't Let Me Down"
-- and a sweet touching ballad, previously unknown, entitled
"All You Need Is Every Last Ounce Of Quid From Your Fans, Love"
Good news: there's also a BONUS DISC, free with purchase!
Bad news: it's 74 minutes of Yoko screaming "Revolution", in French.
www.thebeatles.com
ARNOLD GROPES FOR WORDS AT INAUGURATION
IN SACRAMENTO; ARRIVING IN MOTORCADE OF
TANKS IS "OLD AUSTRIAN TRADITION", HE INSISTS
After 21 tank salute, Schwarzenegger gave speech which included
several new catch phrases, like "I hate fires, fire bad!", "In my
administration, it'll be Hasta La Vista to all fires!", and "Where, my
fellow citizens, are the decent steroid substitutes?". He went on
to say, "let me indulge you with a few of the directors I can't stand".
Arnold also paid tribute to his wife's mother's brother, John Kennedy,
quoting JFK's famous line, "Ask not... what your
hands can do for women... for it turns chicks off when you ask".
Finally, the new state leader made good on a campaign promise
by signing Executive Order No. 1: repealing the L.A. Lap Dance ban.
SLY STALLONE SWORN IN AS STATE'S FIRST
"VICE GOVERNOR"
Arnold appoints friend and fellow "wordy actor" to newly created post,
telling Lt. Gov. Cruz "Bustamove" Bustamente to "LEAVE... NOW...".
Proving he wants to streamline and "trim down" state government,
the new Gov also appoints fellow thespian Steven Seagal to newly
created position, "Secretary of the Arts and Firearms"
RUSH GOES BACK ON AIR; AFTER KICKING PAIN-
KILLER HABIT, LIMBAUGH NOW ADMITS SUFFERING
FROM SECOND LONG-PRESENT ADDICTION:
"SAYING CRAP THAT PISSES PEOPLE OFF"
These and other amazing stories, perhaps, after this...
///////////////////////////////////////////
ADVERTISEVENT
///////////////////////////////////////
TRR Rating: ***** "Party With A Purpose", a fabulous annual L.A.
event, returns to Riviera Country Club, THIS FRIDAY, Nov. 21!
Join ELITE CONNECTIONS for a fun-filled evening benefiting
The Salvation Army Youth Center and a local orphanage;
bring your friends (married or single)! 6:30 Cocktails, 7:30-9:30 a great
buffet, 6:30-10:00 Silent Auction. Live music! (Bring a new toy, game
or sports equipment and get up to 10 raffle tickets!) -- get Ticket Info at
http://eliteconnections.com/Events.htm or, for more info, contact
Sherri Murphy at 800-923-4200. Please tell 'em you saw it in The
Rose Review! If you know anyone who'd like to donate raffle or
auction prizes, contact Elite Connections, or Sherri.
Party proceeds will be used to give Christmas parties to needy kids.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
COMMENTARY: The Rose Retort
"Muscle Man Mantra", or, "Hero He-Man Hegemony"
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Now that the RECALLibration of California is complete, it seems there
is a clear political trend here. It began a few years back, when
Minnesota chose Jesse "The Body" Ventura as Governor. Then
Colin "The Uniform" Powell was the Presidential front-runner, until he
dropped out (because, he insisted, "an honored, respected,
intelligent black war leader can't win diddly, till Southern voters
accept the fact that I'm intelligent"). Now the Arnold blitzkrieg has
taken over, and Gen. Wesley Clark has come from nowhere to share
top billing in the Democratic "Prez-idate" race (helped by his
innovative website, www.voteforclarkandyouget100bucks.com).
Obviously, the American people are saying: WE WANT HEROES.
Either real ones (like General Clark) or fictional ones (a la Arnold and
Jesse). Doesn't seem to matter. In fact, Superman and Aquaman
came in 1 and 2 when included in Presidential tracking polls.
How will this trend play out? Obviously, musclemen are going to grab
power in more states. Jack LaLaine recently pulled 2 yachts with his
teeth to show he'd be the strongest candidate for Governor of Florida,
where ancient age is an asset. Stone Cold Steve Austin in Austin?
Could be, if he decides to put a full-nelson hold on the Texas
statehouse (where the motto is, "no political expertise - no problem!").
And The Rock says he has the name recognition to become "Mayor
of Alcatraz" (which makes no sense, "but that just makes John Q.
Averageguy love him even more" say San Fran fans).
So, what advice are politicos giving nervous incumbents?
Two words: PUMP IRON.
Four more: GET A SAG CARD.
Other candidates are heeding this advice. The Green Party has leaked
photos to TRR showing that Ralph Nader has been working out like
a madman, downing protein shakes by the bucketful, to bulk up his
scrawny frame and change his "spindly image". Insiders also tell TRR
Nader is taking acting at Stella Adler, although he "sucks at improv".
If "Vote Raider" Nader doesn't improve in his thespian quest, or gain
more bulk, the Greens won't sulk, they'll go with the Hulk.
(With the Jolly Green Giant as running mate? Two Green Thumbs up!)
So what does all this mean for the Presidency in 2004? Sure, Bush is
in decent shape, but he's no Hulk Hogan. While Superman couldn't
be reached for comment, Aquaman denied any interest in running.
The sea superhero told TRR he "hates land" most of the time --
and wants to develop a closer relationship with his son,
Amphibianboy. That leaves only G.I. Joe, but he too says he won't run
--"because women won't stomach an anatomically incorrect candidate".
Based onTRR's own polls, we predict it will be a "Dean/Clark" ticket for
the Democrats, versus "Bush/He-Man" for the GOP -- but the
Justice League's "Batman/Robin" ticket will be the one to beat.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
CALEEFORNIA POST-RECALL NEWS
//////////////////////////////IORDERYOUTOORDERYOURARNOLDPOSTER/////////
SCHWARZEGGER EGO INFLATES TO "DANGEROUS LEVELS",
SAY DOCTORS; MASSIVE ATTENTION FROM GOVERNOR
WIN "MAY BE FATAL IF HE DOESN'T SLOW DOWN HIS
VORACIOUS APPETITE FOR ATTENTION"
LEFT-WING MEDICAL-MARIJUANA MILLIONAIRE
FINANCES "RECALL SCHWARZENEGGER" DRIVE
"You can't (long inhale) start these things too early, dude" he mumbles
"RECALL THE RECALL" VOTE MAY GET ON 2004 BALLOT
Here is what the proposed ballot would look like:
QUESTION ONE: Do you want to recall the recall?
QUESTION TWO: If yes, what do you want to replace the recall with?
1. Monthly Popularity contest
2. Yearly Beauty Pageant
3. Whoever raises the most dough
4. Whoever buys the most signatures
5. The Usual, Standard Ol' Boring Method called "Majority Voting"
6. Wet T-Shirt Contest
SCHWARZENEGGER ANNOUNCES HE WILL PULL
OUT OF LATEST SEQUEL, "SEXUAL PREDATOR"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////ARNOLDIN2006!/////////
GREAT THINGS TO DO and cool websites too
//////////////////////////////////BUYARNOLDACTIONFIGURES,NOW!!!//////////
Into new forms of music? Nov 19 -- electronic music show -- at
new REDCAT wing of Walt Disney music hall, downtown LA!
call 213 237 2800 or go to redcatweb.org
Just 1 performance left! Catch comedienne/actress Jann Karam
in "RECLINING NUDE ON LA CIENEGA"! (Not literally, you perv!)
-- A handpainted monologue about life, love, and finding a place to lie
down. --At the ACME THEATRE, 135 N. LaBrea, Thursday Nov. 20;
8pm; Reservations: 323.851.3754; Tickets: $12 (2 for 1 -- that helps!)
WHO SAYS PRETTY GIRLS HAVE IT EASY? (or easy girls have
it pretty?) DUE TO OVERWHELMING DEMAND, "PIECES(of Ass)"
is extending its Los Angeles engagement at the STUFF THEATRE
(Raleigh Studios) in Hollywood -- through Dec 20th!
***BROOKE BURKE is GUEST "CenterPIECE" Nov20 and 21***
MORE CELEB CenterPIECES at ALL DEC. PERFORMANCES.
TICKETS ON SALE at WWW.PIECESOFASS.COM or by calling
(800)595-4849. DOORS OPEN 7pm FOR COCKTAILS AND MUSIC;
SHOWTIME 8pm. Tickets $40, include FIRST DRINK FREE and
admission to post-show party. Info/questions? Call 323.658.8531
Beautifully Remodeled Culver Hotel: entertainment all week!
Monday: comedy; Tues.: Salsa Night; Thursday: Swing Night. NO
COVER! PROMOTION BY TODD ELLIOT (swingentertainment.com).
9400 Culver Blvd.(Culver City) at Washington Blvd. 310-838-7963.
Visit RADIO PARALLAX! Where yours truly performs voices!
http://www.radioparallax.com
It is, quite simply, the best one-hour show on radio -- if you don't count
NPR, PRI, or any show with the letter "E" in it; RP is "chock full of great
news, comedy and commentary each week" says the Miami Harold;
"witty, often brilliant, and increases your sex drive" raves the
New York Post-Times; classic show segments are archived as well
////////////////////////////////////
CLASSIFIEDS
///////////////////////////////////
Looking for the right words? Experienced writer available to
transform your idea or document into the final product you desire.
Press releases, papers, personal ad, speech, script rewrite, jokes,
whatever! Just send the basics of what you have and what you want,
and you'll get back results. Fast, easy, personal, professional.
Contact Dr. Don: ddrose@aol.com.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The Rose Review (TRR): News/Commentary/Art by Don Rose
///////LETARNIEBEPREZ!!!////////CHANGECONSTITUTION.ORG/////
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Want TRR for your publication or show?
Contact: Dr. Don Rose, Ph.D. 310 208 1171 ddrose@aol.com
Writer/Comedian (Books, TV, Radio, Online)
Writer and Voiceover Artist, Radio Parallax:
weekly mix of commentary and comedy,
hosted by Douglas Everett; tune in at
KDVS FM in No.Cal., or online at www.radioparallax.com
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Got event notices? Kindly send them to: ddrose@aol.com
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
TRR Idea Consultant: Douglas Everett.
If you liked TRR, please forward to your friends and colleagues.
We'd love to hear your feedback on this Rose Prose; email us!
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
If you want to stop getting The Rose Review, just do one of the following:
(1) send an email saying you don't want TRR anymore, and I will obey;
(2) open your window and yell "No More TRR!", I have good hearing;
(3) lighten up, decide TRR is actually fun, send it to 10 friends, do step 4.
(4) Go to Step 3.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
TheRoseReview(TRR), RoseProse, RoseArt, Copyright2003.
Tales of the weird, the wild, the wired, the world --
unique verses, diverse universes. (All rights reserved, and shy.)
/////////////ARNOLDISMOREPOPULARTHANJESUS.COM/////////////
