Thursday, February 16, 2006
SCHOLARS SAY NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED PRESIDENTS DAY MATTRESS SALES
A new theory, proposed at the annual History of American Folklore Conference this week, asserts that legendary seer and mystic Nostradamus predicted the future existence of President Day sales, in particular the "selling of mattresses at great discounts" to a "future republic of states between coasts". Nostradamus also predicted that such sales will be the "greatest legacy of the Presidents Lincoln and Washington", whose exact birthdays will eventually be forgotten "like keys to an old condo".
Michel de "Mike" Nostradamus
The radical and provocative theory is based on newly discovered texts. The new quatrains mention several times the invention of "amazingly soft and cushy slumber squares", as well as the words "Sealy", "spring air" and "Seers stores". The word "Hilter" also makes an appearance, which scholars believe may have been an early mattress brand in the colonies.
Nostadamus, known as "Lefty" to his bowling buddies, also predicted many other future events, inventions and people in his remarkable seer career, including Pop Tarts ("Popptaarts"), Peter Frampton ("Petra Frizzyhairdampton"), Alpo ("Halpoe"), Woodstock ("Boomerama"), the Lilith Fair concerts ("Tickedoffchicks Faire in Square"), Lindsay Lohan ("Lowsay Lowhand"), the cellphone ("celular telegraph"), Coke ("Sugarwaater"), Google ("Goggle giant, really reliant -- be you compliant or be you defiant?"), Yahoo ("Yippee and Yahoo! I shall tell you true -- yours truly hath laid my chaste chambermaid"), and sex in airplanes ("Mile Hight Cluuubb, for lovers of danger, and those who don't worship that guy from the manger").
Filed by NNN Senior Editor Don Rose.
Michel de "Mike" NostradamusThe radical and provocative theory is based on newly discovered texts. The new quatrains mention several times the invention of "amazingly soft and cushy slumber squares", as well as the words "Sealy", "spring air" and "Seers stores". The word "Hilter" also makes an appearance, which scholars believe may have been an early mattress brand in the colonies.
Nostadamus, known as "Lefty" to his bowling buddies, also predicted many other future events, inventions and people in his remarkable seer career, including Pop Tarts ("Popptaarts"), Peter Frampton ("Petra Frizzyhairdampton"), Alpo ("Halpoe"), Woodstock ("Boomerama"), the Lilith Fair concerts ("Tickedoffchicks Faire in Square"), Lindsay Lohan ("Lowsay Lowhand"), the cellphone ("celular telegraph"), Coke ("Sugarwaater"), Google ("Goggle giant, really reliant -- be you compliant or be you defiant?"), Yahoo ("Yippee and Yahoo! I shall tell you true -- yours truly hath laid my chaste chambermaid"), and sex in airplanes ("Mile Hight Cluuubb, for lovers of danger, and those who don't worship that guy from the manger").
Filed by NNN Senior Editor Don Rose.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
CHENEY WARNS OF MORE SHOOTING TO COME; WILL GO GUNNING FOR OTHER "FRIENDS" WHO "OWE ME MONEY"
"If you owe me dough, you better blow", warned Dick "Shooter" Cheney today, finally breaking his silence about shooting a dear hunting buddy while quail hunting. The Vice President offered a one day grace period for "friends and Democrats" to settle any unpaid debts with him, otherwise he will come gunning for them "come this weekend".
As for why he shot a man who was so close to him, and who apparently was in the process of getting a five out of his wallet to pay back the Veep, Mr. Cheney chuckled and said, "I thought he was Quayle".
As for why he shot a man who was so close to him, and who apparently was in the process of getting a five out of his wallet to pay back the Veep, Mr. Cheney chuckled and said, "I thought he was Quayle".
Sunday, February 12, 2006
***AD***: COMING SOON... from the makers of "VAN HELSING"... the most eye-popping biopic of all time
In a world... of horrific horror and terrible terror... one man stood by his master's side.
Faithfully. Truthfully. Mouthfully.
Until now.
The wait is almost over.
Soon all will be revealed.
The greatest legend in the hallowed halls of horror takes centerstage at last.
From the award-winning key grip behind VAN HELSING...
the lighting technician behind DRACULA...
and the limo driver for THE MUMMY...
comes the biopic the world has been screaming for...
"IGOR!"
The greatest sidekick of all time finally tells his side of the story.
And it's not pretty.
It's all Igor, in all his gory glory.
Coming to theatres this summer.
And DVD soon after that. Very soon.
Rated "R" for rancid.
