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Saturday, November 20, 2004

 

EBAY REMOVES BALONEY SANDWICH WITH FACE OF CHARACTER ACTOR BRIAN DENNEHY

"APPARITION MUST BE SOMEONE NO LONGER LIVING" SAYS INTERNET AUCTION SITE

# posted by Don @ 1:40 PM 0 comments

Thursday, November 18, 2004

 

K-MART BUYS SEARS, AFTER SEARS LISTS ITSELF IN SEARS CATALOG

After Sears cleverly listed itself in its own venerable catalog, another company finally took the bait. K-Mart, after being in bankruptcy and briefly considering listing itself in the Sears catalog a short time ago, announced it has managed to scrape together enough pennies in its mattress to buy its one-time rival. K-Mart cited "an excellent photo" and "enticing description" in the catalog as the primary reasons for its impulse buy of Sears.

The Rose Review suggested they use the new name "S-Mart", but they went with "Sear-MarKs".

# posted by Don @ 8:26 AM 0 comments
 

LAST VOTER IN LINE FINALLY CASTS BALLOT IN OHIO


EXIT POLLS SHOW VOTER VOTED 87 TIMES FOR BUSH, SO OUTCOME UNLIKELY TO AFFECT ELECTION

With a stubborn combination of patience and patriotic duty, Chester Grimes today cast the last ballot in Ohio, where polls technically closed November 2nd, but remained open for Grimes, the last man in line. "Thank God I were in line before that there cutoff", joked the patient patriot. Grimes, who voted for Bush, expressed happiness that his vote actually was counted as 87 votes for the President. "I know he is a head write now, but I jest want to help make him more mandater than he already be" said Grimes, a Cleveland English teacher, in a written statement. "I am being firmly proud that are system of govment werks."

# posted by Don @ 2:24 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

 

GRILLED CHEESE WITH IMAGE OF MOTHER MARY STILL UP FOR BID ON EBAY; SELLER SAYS "PLENTY OF MIRACLES LEFT IN IT"

Holy Steal, Bidman! With bids only going as high as $22,000, what are you waiting for? In four days, the auction for the miracle grilled cheese sandwich will end, so get those bids in now!

And while you are at it, I'm pretty sure you can still get the muffler that belches out "Jesus", the bowling ball that looks exactly like Moses, and the "blessed movie marquee" that refuses to let any letters stay on it except C H R I S and T.

# posted by Don @ 1:57 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

 

RENEE ZELLWEGER TO QUIT ACTING; MAY RETURN TO FIRST LOVE, BRAIN SURGERY


PERIODONTICS ALSO POSSIBILITY FOR THESP

Actress Renee Zellweger shocked Hollywood with the rumor that she may be ending her lucrative acting career. TRR moles have learned the blond-turned-brunette wispy-thespy may soon return to her original passion, performing and teaching brain surgery -- in particular, the separation of twins joined at the cranium. She also hinted that trying dentistry was not out of the question. "The money's great, I can still deal with people, and I get to keep my teeth write and straight for free!" raved Ms Zellweger, who got an acting degree in college but minored in Brain Studies. "Surgical knowledge may have advanced a smidge since I graduated, but even though I'm rusty, I'm sure it will all come back to me. Besides, I DID play Nurse Betty, remember?"

# posted by Don @ 4:28 AM 0 comments
 

"RINGO 'N RINGER" CONCERT CANCELLED AFTER ARAFAT DEATH; EX-BEATLE GRUDGINGLY DROPS CLASSIC "YASSIR, THAT'S MY BABY" FROM TOUR


ARAFAT WILL BEQUEATHS FAMED HAT TO STARR

Drummer Ringo Starr told close friends he was feeling "not at all gear" at getting so little from his dead ringer doppleganger. "He could've left me more than just that bloody hat. Not that it really was bloody, but, you know, it's just a bleeding hat," said Ringo through his press agent. "Sure, it'll be gear at parties and Halloween, but it won't make up for all those daft stories about me and him being the same bloke." The ex-Beatle announced he will now omit his spot-on impression of his Palestine Pal from future tours, as well as the hit ditty "Arafat Chance", which whimsically reminisced about the odds the two men were related. In solidarity with his former bandmate, Paul McCartney vowed to stop performing "Yassirday", cease singing "Gaza Get You Into My Life", and smoke more pot.

# posted by Don @ 4:25 AM 0 comments
 

BEATLE FANS STUBBORNLY KEEP "YASSIR IS DEAD" THEORY ALIVE

A rogue Beatle fan group known for their "Yassir Is Dead" theory -- claiming Beatle lyrics long ago predicted the death of Arafat -- were dismissed as "riffraff reeking of rubbish" by Apple Records. Still, clues do persist, according to these "Arafans" who insist many Fab Four tunes predicted events in the Palestinian leader's life. Some of the clues:

About his life:

. "Here Terror Everywhere" ("Revolver" album)
. "Sheik of Arafat" (Beatles "A Theology" album)
. "Gaza Get You Into My Life" ("Revolver")
Tell tale lyric: "I was meant to be near you, every single day of my life".
. "Your Muslim Should Know"
. "Gave Peace A Chance"

About his death:

. "Yassirday" ("Yassirday End Today" album)
Tell tale lyric: "Suddenly... I'm not half the man I used to be..."
. "You Can't Arafat" ("The Beatles Secular Album")
Tell tale lyrics: "I got something to say that might cause you pain...";
"I'm gonna let you down... and leave you flat..."
. "Yassir Is" ("Beatles Foresee" album)
Tell tale lyric: "Red is the color that Rabin-Y wore, and what's more, it's true, Yassir is"
. "Medical Mystery Tour"
(Arafat died of a medical mystery.)
. "Yassir Blues" ("We-hate Album")
Tell tale lyric: "Yassir lonely... wanna die...."


# posted by Don @ 4:00 AM 0 comments