Thursday, October 14, 2004
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, ROUND 3: CONDENSED TRANSCRIPT
To save our readers valuable time, here are the condensed highlights of the last Bush-Kerry debate:
BUSH: Thanks to Arizona for being here. Great state. Less filling.
KERRY: You call that a joke?
BUSH: No. Your Botoxed, fake-tanned FACE! THAT'S the joke! (heh, heh, heh...)
KERRY: What's that lump on your back, George? Are they feeding you jokes, too?
BUSH: You and your nutty liberal conspiracy theories. It's just... my mole, that's all.
KERRY: I prefer to talk issues, not tissues.
BUSH: Well, I am against killing unborn babies to get stem cells. We got Abu Ghraib prisoners for that.
KERRY: That war is wrong. W means Wrong. I have multiple Purple Hearts.
BUSH: War is war, we in wartime, me W, winning war, war war war. Well war, W win!
KERRY: How am I only TIED with this guy?
BUSH: America should not change horses in mid-stream.
KERRY: Unless it's drowning.
BUSH: A plan is not a litany of complaints, Senator!
KERRY: At least I know what litany means.
BUSH: That was uncalled for!
KERRY: Speaking of calls, have you phoned a friend, yet?
BUSH: I told you, it's just a mole. A large, box-like, radio resembling mole. Lay off!
KERRY: Speaking of layoffs, this President is the first to lose jobs during his term since Hoover!
BUSH: At least he made a dang good vacuum. (heh, heh, heh...)
KERRY: Hear that giant sucking sound? It's jobs moving lightspeed to other countries.
BUSH: I hear a sucking sound too. It's votes for Nader. Ralph rocks!
KERRY: By the way, I think your Vice President having a lesbian daughter is A-OK.
BUSH: Some of my best friends who are Vice Presidents have lesbo girls. Fine with me.
KERRY: Abortion is a choice. Something between a woman, her conscience, and her doctor.
BUSH: You forgot the government.
KERRY: Speaking of forgetting, how's the hunt for Osama going?
BUSH: Who?
KERRY: This President actually outsourced the job of killing Bin Laden to Afghan warlords!
BUSH: Well, I wouldn't call them LORDS. That's blasphemy!
KERRY: The President's plan for Social Security is an invitation to DISASTER.
BUSH: Then I will declare it a Disaster Area. Like in Florida. Go Gators! Go Seminoles!
KERRY: Did I mention Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian?
BUSH: She has every right to be an unsaved wacko if she wants. That's what makes our nation great!
KERRY: In closing, let me recap: Purple Hearts, better debater, Presidential, tall, great hair, experienced, strong, will hunt down and kill the terrorists, can't believe I'm only tied with this guy, Cheney lesbian kid, Bush's VP's daughter is a homosexual, I support Roe V. Wade, I am going to bring fiscal responsibility and health coverage to America. Good night, and God bless straights, gays and lesbians everywhere.
BUSH: You know, I love this painting in my White House, it is so optimistic, such bright colors. Tells me, as does the Almighty Lord, that good days are ahead. And yes, I do have a giant, square-shaped mole on my back, which many think is a radio receiver feeding me debate answers, but that is why God is so amazing, that he can make such a strange, artificial-looking mole! Yes, our nation's greatest days are ahead -- and I look forward to steering the ship for four more years. It's a titanic task, but I am a very good driver. Good night.
BUSH: Thanks to Arizona for being here. Great state. Less filling.
KERRY: You call that a joke?
BUSH: No. Your Botoxed, fake-tanned FACE! THAT'S the joke! (heh, heh, heh...)
KERRY: What's that lump on your back, George? Are they feeding you jokes, too?
BUSH: You and your nutty liberal conspiracy theories. It's just... my mole, that's all.
KERRY: I prefer to talk issues, not tissues.
BUSH: Well, I am against killing unborn babies to get stem cells. We got Abu Ghraib prisoners for that.
KERRY: That war is wrong. W means Wrong. I have multiple Purple Hearts.
BUSH: War is war, we in wartime, me W, winning war, war war war. Well war, W win!
KERRY: How am I only TIED with this guy?
BUSH: America should not change horses in mid-stream.
KERRY: Unless it's drowning.
BUSH: A plan is not a litany of complaints, Senator!
KERRY: At least I know what litany means.
BUSH: That was uncalled for!
KERRY: Speaking of calls, have you phoned a friend, yet?
BUSH: I told you, it's just a mole. A large, box-like, radio resembling mole. Lay off!
KERRY: Speaking of layoffs, this President is the first to lose jobs during his term since Hoover!
BUSH: At least he made a dang good vacuum. (heh, heh, heh...)
KERRY: Hear that giant sucking sound? It's jobs moving lightspeed to other countries.
BUSH: I hear a sucking sound too. It's votes for Nader. Ralph rocks!
KERRY: By the way, I think your Vice President having a lesbian daughter is A-OK.
BUSH: Some of my best friends who are Vice Presidents have lesbo girls. Fine with me.
KERRY: Abortion is a choice. Something between a woman, her conscience, and her doctor.
BUSH: You forgot the government.
KERRY: Speaking of forgetting, how's the hunt for Osama going?
BUSH: Who?
KERRY: This President actually outsourced the job of killing Bin Laden to Afghan warlords!
BUSH: Well, I wouldn't call them LORDS. That's blasphemy!
KERRY: The President's plan for Social Security is an invitation to DISASTER.
BUSH: Then I will declare it a Disaster Area. Like in Florida. Go Gators! Go Seminoles!
KERRY: Did I mention Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian?
BUSH: She has every right to be an unsaved wacko if she wants. That's what makes our nation great!
KERRY: In closing, let me recap: Purple Hearts, better debater, Presidential, tall, great hair, experienced, strong, will hunt down and kill the terrorists, can't believe I'm only tied with this guy, Cheney lesbian kid, Bush's VP's daughter is a homosexual, I support Roe V. Wade, I am going to bring fiscal responsibility and health coverage to America. Good night, and God bless straights, gays and lesbians everywhere.
BUSH: You know, I love this painting in my White House, it is so optimistic, such bright colors. Tells me, as does the Almighty Lord, that good days are ahead. And yes, I do have a giant, square-shaped mole on my back, which many think is a radio receiver feeding me debate answers, but that is why God is so amazing, that he can make such a strange, artificial-looking mole! Yes, our nation's greatest days are ahead -- and I look forward to steering the ship for four more years. It's a titanic task, but I am a very good driver. Good night.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
MAN WHO DISCOVERED LETTER "$" WINS NOBEL LINGUIST PRIZE
The Nobel Prize in Linguistics went to Langsten Hues today, for his discovery of the letter "$". According to Swedish newspaper "Oofsvelte", Dr. Hues was ecstatic at his Prize, "because that million bucks will really come in handy right now". The esteemed linguist explained that "scientists have always theorized the existence of a letter beyond the 26 known letters, and the letter '$' fooled man for centuries into thinking it was just a variant of 'S', but proof '$' is an actual letter, when it came, was like music to my eyes". Dr. Hues, known among his peers as a bad poet, said that while '$' has appeared in receipts and works of literature, and has been used by millions of kids to spell, for instance, CASH as CA$H, a rigorous proof that '$' was a true letter, with a strange pronunciation all its own, is what won him the Nobel. "It began as a kid, when I saw Victor Borge pronouncing "!" and "?". I knew he was on to something."
THIRD PREZ DEBATE WILL ALLOW "PHONE-A-FRIEND"
Regis Philbin, moderator of the third and final Presidential debate, announced that there will be a "phone-a-friend" allowance for each candidate tonight. "Poll the audience" will also be one of the choices available to Bush and Kerry; both said they have great experience using that feature already, but are happy to have it so readily available during tonight's contest.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
PRES. BUSH TO HAVE LARGE BOX-LIKE MOLE REMOVED
The same scientists who discovered the Face On Mars say there is definitely something "lump-like" on the President's upper-back terrain.
President Bush today confirmed plans to undergo surgery after the third and final debate this week, in order to have a large, box-shaped mole removed from his back. The presence of the box-like bump was widely reported in the media, with some interpreting it to be a device for receiving answers to debate questions from a remote transmitter. Such rumors were quickly squashed by the White House with the announcement of the impending operation, which has already garnered sympathy from many swing state voters. "Flowers have been pouring in from Ohio, which I feel deeply blessed to receive", said the President, "and that great state is also the site of my operation and speedy recovery, which should add a few jobs there at least." After a brief chuckle, he began his daily putting practice, then added: "Speedy recovery being the operative word".
SHOE-LACE KNOT RESEARCHER WINS NOBEL MATH PRIZE
Dr. Edmund Fidbacher won the 2004 Nobel Prize in Mathematics for his elegant proof that at least five motions must be utilized in order to tie one's shoe. "I am thrilled; in fact, I was so excited, I forgot to tie my shoes when I ran to the phone!" exclaimed the professor, referring to the fateful phone call that informed him of his win. "For years I tried to get shoelacing down to less than 5 moves, but it simply cannot be done, which I proved back in 1974. Glad to finally get some recognition!" So what are the 5 steps? "Twist left lace under right, pull tight, make left lace loop, circle loop with right lace, pull right lace through left lace. And if you figure out a shorter way, I'll kill you."
