Thursday, February 10, 2005
FIORINA OUT AS HP CEO; MONKEY THAT MAKES DECISIONS BY THROWING DARTS AT PIE CHARTS IN
Hewlett Packard took what some called a radical step today, announcing a monkey will replace its current CEO. According to an HP spokesman, the exit of Carly "The Broad" Fiorina was "totally her decision, with absolutely no prodding or coaxing whatsoever by us, and that's the God's honest truth, I swear on a stack of Bibles and may God strike me dead if I'm lyin' here." After dropping dead, his replacement told TRR the monkey move was inspired "at least in part" by many Super Bowl commercials of the past few years, where simians "seem to handle work pretty darn well, and with a lot of zest and enthusiasm to boot". No word on the exact amount of compensation the new CEO will receive, but we have learned that the salary range is between 10 million and 12 million bananas per year, with a golden parachute of 3 million bananas if he is replaced at some point by a dog or ferret.
NORTH KOREA, "TIRED OF IRAN GETTING ALL THE ATTENTION", ANNOUNCES IT HAS NUKES, AND HAS LOST 20 POUNDS
Axis of Evil Founding Member North Korea, in a move that stunned the part of the world that has never seen a TV, announced that they have nuclear weapons. A spokesman told TRR they hope this announcement will draw America away from its "infatuation" with Iran, and think about them for a while. However, some nuclear pundits and phallic symbol experts told TRR the nuke news is actually "overblown", and that the weapons in question "are actually really very teeny tiny nukes, with the TNT equivalence of three or four firecrackers, tops".
