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"Dr. Don's Pre-Awards Buzz Film Recap"

by Don Rose


Ah, December. Holiday cheer draws near, hardfelt greedings are shared, and entertainment folk fret over what to buy who in order to impress, suppress, make up or suck up. But soon all this happiness, joy and eBaywatch will pass, and it'll be time once again for... ta da, Awards Season! A brand-aware New Year for stars to perform a plethora of promos, promises, preening and pretty-pleases. Top thespians will log long hours longing to be the People's Choice, or the one with the best Globes or the least-noticed SAG, or the one who snags the ultimate accolade on that show whose name is trademarked (let's just say that special night usually features a cad, Demi, awards, and many a hillaryswanky party).

To prepare your wits for the blitz of glitz, below are bits on hits for '06 -- movies from this year that seem destined for awesome award awareness next year, or at least a lot of paid covers on Varietal and the Hollywood Recorder. Since many of you have been busy bees and may have no time for movies till the holidaze, the following plot summaries will hopefully inspire you to gather your clan, go to the googleplex, and see why my Six Picks from this year's cinema class are classics.

THE CONSTANT GARDENER
A harrowing, finely-crafted suspense thriller about a man who simply can't stop gardening. He is, as the title says, constantly gardening. Miracle-Gro, rows to hoe, tending, mending, the guy's obsessed. Even during lovemaking, he dreams about digging deep into fertile soil and planting. What a wacko. A wacky weed-whacking wacko. A bad seed. Then, he meets Fern. But hey, don't let me ruin it, just go see it, you'll love it, really. I'm just not that into gardening.

MATCH POINT
Woody Allen does it again. Make a movie, that is. Starring that starlet named Scarlett, about who, frankly, I do give a damn. She looks radiant. Ravishing. (I can't believe she looked so dorky in "Ghost World". They sure got them makeovers down to a science, don't they?) Wait, I forgot the plot. Oh yeah. Woody's latest is loosely based on the best-selling biography, "The Intense Sexual Appetite of Gene Rayburn", about the host of TV's favorite gameshow, "Match Game". Actually, I haven't seen this movie yet. But at least I'm not constantly gardening.

KING KONG
Be careful when you go see this one. Don't mistake it for another film out there called "King Dong", which is a totally different plot. Or so I'm told. Something about the man who ate the most Ding Dongs ever in one sitting, breaking Orson Welles' record. Anyway, in Peter Jackson's colossal Kong epic, Naomi Watts and Adrien Brody encounter a simian beast the size of Donald Trump's hair. Or ego, take your pick. It's huge, is my point. No one will say exactly how big the Great Ape is, but sources tell me you can fit 192 Charlton Hestons inside him, and still have room for 38 Roddy McDowalls, if he were still alive. The totally cool twist is that director Jackson cleverly hid his actors' paychecks in the bowels of the beast, and they had to get it out in order to get paid. (How the hell else could they get two stars to battle a giant gaga gorilla? Huh?) Can't wait to pay ten dollars to see it, plus five for refreshments, and four for parking. I wonder why DVD's are taking over.

NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE
Based on the novel by C.S. Lewis (no relation to Lewis C., who penned "Alice in Wonderland"), this story is about a cute little blonde girl who wanders down a manhole to find a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe. And also a watch, but they couldn't fit that into the title. The plot gets bogged down in the middle, when the girl keeps insisting on finding a tailor to alter the clothes she found by cutting up the shirts and making the jeans ride lower and stuff, talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. Anyway, in the end, the kindly Emperor of Ahhs gives the lion courage, the witch melts, and everyone shouts "the Emperor has no wardrobe!". Plus, young Malice figures out that "Narnia" is actually short for "Californarnia"; she was home the whole time! Thus, she learns there truly is no place like home, if you don't count Vegas or Epcot. (The only thing I didn't like was Celine Dion's performance of "White Rabbit"; the bunny suit made her look really fat, and I could see the wire as she flew around in fast-motion. I think she was hopped up on something.)

THE PRODUCERS
Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick reprise their Broadway performances in this movie remake of the hit play that was based on the non-hit movie which starred Zero Mostel who actually is kinda hard to link easily to Kevin Bacon. The plot: two schlubs (along with Uma squirmin) bilk little old ladies out of their money by having them invest in the most terrible ill-conceived preposterous disastrous play they can possibly think of: "Al Gore Explains His Well-Researched Ideas Concerning Social Security Lock Boxes And Why They Should Not Be Unlocked Under Any Circumstances Whatsoever, Period". Amazingly, it becomes a hit; to avoid paying all the ladies, the boys skip town, move to China, and make a fortune manufacturing cheaply made plays at a dollar a dozen and reselling them in America for a hundred bucks each. Uma moves to India, and makes a somewhat lesser fortune providing excellent and most gratifying customer service to Americans calling tech support.

GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
The realism is first rate in this film, which may just be the finest piece of cinema so far this decade. TV icon Edward R. Murrow furrows his brow and smokes a ton of cigarettes, and it is all done through the miracle of animatronics, resulting in the most lifelike robot Murrow I have ever seen on screen. The resemblance to a real human being is simply incredible. The effects wizards at Jim Henson Studios just get better with age. The plot revolves around Commie robots who are infiltrating the news channels of fifties era America, a Red robot plot uncovered by Senator Joe McCatharsis (Murrow's nemesis), who we discover is actually an alien from Venus with a third eye on his forehead. The twists just keep coming. (The electric shock from the back of my seat, a process called "Murrowrama", was a great touch too.) The climax of the film depicts, in glorious goriness, the laser-filled battle for Earth between the journalist-like robots (who like to say "Good Night") and the paranoid-sarcastic Venusians (who like to say "Good Luck"). I won't give away who wins, I don't want to ruin the movie -- you'll just have to see it (with your own three eyes)!

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Dr. Don Rose is Editor In Chief of “The Rose Review”, an online magazine available at www.therosereview.com . He also serves as writer and editor for “New News Network”, at trrnnn.blogspot.com . He may be reached at ddrose@aol.com .