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Friday, April 08, 2005

 

RARE MAMMOTH REMAINS FOUND AT U.S. CONSTRUCTION SITE, NEXT TO SKELETON OF DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSMAN WITH BACKBONE

Based on skeletal evidence, the mammoth is believed to have stood approximately 12 feet tall, sporting eight-foot tusks. The Democrat, a member of the long-extinct species Thinkus Independus, is believed to be distantly related to the Sheen family.


(report filed by Don Rose, Senior News Editor, TheRoseReview.com)



# posted by Don @ 12:22 PM 0 comments
 

SHUTTLE READIES FOR LAUNCH, DESPITE CRACK; NASA INSISTS "U.S. MUST RETURN TO EARLY 60's GLOBAL DOMINANCE IN NUMBER OF ROCKET LAUNCH EXPLOSIONS"

Despite evidence of a crack in "part of one of its parts", the shuttle is, according to NASA, "just fine, peachy keen, A-OK and ready to blow. I mean, go". The upcoming shuttle launch is vitally important to NASA, said spokesman Kip Torn. "We sincerely hope", said Torn, "to remind the world just how mundane, mind-numbingly uninspiring space drudgery is done".


(report filed by Don Rose, Senior News Editor, TheRoseReview.com)



# posted by Don @ 12:18 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 03, 2005

 

PREZ AND CONGRESS SIGN BILL OUTLAWING CREMATION; "CANNOT TAKE RISK THAT A POSSIBLY STILL ALIVE DEAD PERSON MAY COME BACK TO FULL ALIVENESS", SAYS GOP

The GOP leadership also announced plans to ban all references to death in normal speech, as part of their "Culture Of Life" reform package. For example, if passed, uttering phrases like "I killed 'em, we slayed 'em, I died out there, dying is easy comedy is hard, the bill was dead on arrival, we killed the bill, Bring Out Yer Dead, death and taxes, Meat Is Murder, Kill Bill", etc., could result in the Death Penalty.


(report filed by Don Rose, Senior News Editor, TheRoseReview.com)



# posted by Don @ 6:44 PM 0 comments
 

DYING BLACK JEWISH LESBIAN WITHOUT HEALTH CARE BEGS TO BE KEPT ALIVE; DISAPPOINTED AT LACK OF SPECIAL INTERVENTION BY CONGRESS, PRESIDENT OR GOVERNOR

The woman, Shaneequa "Butch" Lipschitz, told TRR she cannot afford health care, and really would like to go to the hospital and be kept alive -- "but since I am clearly dying here, I figured Congress or the Prez would step in and make a special law, like they did for that other woman. But so far, no dice. What am I, chopped liver?" The GOP answered charges of bias in a statement: "Hey, we have a hard enough time finding and prolonging the lives of all the dying people in our Base, let alone those not in our Base" said the head of LifeCops, a new group created by the GOP to monitor and react to dying people who, under new law, must now be kept alive under all circumstances.
(report filed by Don Rose, Senior News Editor, TheRoseReview.com)



# posted by Don @ 6:35 PM 0 comments