Thursday, November 25, 2004
MUTANT INTELLIGENT RODENT ESCAPES GOVT LAB; MILLIONS FLEE NEW YORK IN HORROR
MANY SCREAM, "OH, THE HUMONGITY"
As Big Applers scurried about in preparation for the annual Black Friday Shopping Holiday, a being described as "a gigantic, intelligent rat, probably from a secret government lab" ran amok in Manhattan, scaring children and adults and transvestites alike. A top secret cabal of military/government/corporate leaders immediately snapped into action, meeting in secret session to decide how best to use this to further curtail citizens' rights. Meanwhile, while mainstream media mavens made the massive mouse out to be an "imminent threat" to millions, some New Yorkers yelled curse words and tried to subdue the rampaging rodent with rope, to no avail. President Bush declared the city a disaster area, just after declaring Richard Branson's new reality show a disaster area. Bush told a national TV audience that the immense freak of nature "did not appear to be linked with any known terrorist group", and those in the Northeast "should go about their normal lives, perhaps with extra cheese".
As Big Applers scurried about in preparation for the annual Black Friday Shopping Holiday, a being described as "a gigantic, intelligent rat, probably from a secret government lab" ran amok in Manhattan, scaring children and adults and transvestites alike. A top secret cabal of military/government/corporate leaders immediately snapped into action, meeting in secret session to decide how best to use this to further curtail citizens' rights. Meanwhile, while mainstream media mavens made the massive mouse out to be an "imminent threat" to millions, some New Yorkers yelled curse words and tried to subdue the rampaging rodent with rope, to no avail. President Bush declared the city a disaster area, just after declaring Richard Branson's new reality show a disaster area. Bush told a national TV audience that the immense freak of nature "did not appear to be linked with any known terrorist group", and those in the Northeast "should go about their normal lives, perhaps with extra cheese".
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
SECURITY CONCERNS CITED FOR INCREASED FEELING OF WOMEN'S BREASTS AT AIRPORTS; FAA HEAD OF BREAST FEELING B.J. CLINTON SAYS "QUALITY IS JOB ONE"
INSISTS BOOB SQUEEZEDOWNS ARE ALWAYS DONE "SLOWLY, CAREFULLY, WITH GENTLE CARESSES -- AND USUALLY, A FREE DINNER"
FAA officials tell TRR that since female suicide passengers were involved in airline terrorism earlier this year, a titanic shift in the amount of rackchecks was the logical response. "We've put our finger on a hot button, a deadly problem, and we intend to squeeze the life out of that problem" said one official, while squeezing a buxom lass he said was "trying to smuggle a pair of large cantelopes into the country under her shirt".
