Saturday, July 30, 2005
INTERNET NEWS: PILE OF DIRTY LAUNDRY THAT STRONGLY RESEMBLES RONALD REAGAN FETCHES $85,000 ON EBAY
"Conservatives are hot right now" said Ed Baylor, Head of Auction Anomalies at the internet auction site. "Religious figure food, like Mother Mary lookalike lunches, still pull in the most, but rightwing politicians are right up there."
Another pile of filthy unwashed clothes, which did not have quite the same uncanny similarity to Reagan's face, only brought in $4,100.
In a related story, Baylor told TRR that a cowpie considered "a spitting image of Clarence Thomas" has yet to attract any bids.
story compiled by Don Rose, TRR Chief Political Retorter
Another pile of filthy unwashed clothes, which did not have quite the same uncanny similarity to Reagan's face, only brought in $4,100.
In a related story, Baylor told TRR that a cowpie considered "a spitting image of Clarence Thomas" has yet to attract any bids.
story compiled by Don Rose, TRR Chief Political Retorter
Doctors Grade Bush High on Physical, So-So on Mental
New Three-Prong Test Shows Prez Sound in Body, Strong in Confidence, But Still Vulnerable to New Strains of Dumb Jokes
The President's new doctor, Sidney Spleane, told the press his controversial three-part test of Presidential functioning went "fairly good", with Mr. Bush passing tests of strength and bodily health with flying colors, but receiving not so hot marks for mental might. "For example, he continues to confuse countries and leaders when tested, pointing to South Dakota when asked to find Mandela, Iraq when asked to find Bin Laden, and Chad when asked to find Jeremy" said Dr. Spleane. "Ironically, the stem cell research he abhors could enhance his mental faculties tremendously, if he'd only reconsider. We could barrybondsify Bush's brain beyond JFK, LBJ and FDR combined, but I guess we'll have to settle for SOL."
by Don Rose, TRR Chief Political Retorter
The President's new doctor, Sidney Spleane, told the press his controversial three-part test of Presidential functioning went "fairly good", with Mr. Bush passing tests of strength and bodily health with flying colors, but receiving not so hot marks for mental might. "For example, he continues to confuse countries and leaders when tested, pointing to South Dakota when asked to find Mandela, Iraq when asked to find Bin Laden, and Chad when asked to find Jeremy" said Dr. Spleane. "Ironically, the stem cell research he abhors could enhance his mental faculties tremendously, if he'd only reconsider. We could barrybondsify Bush's brain beyond JFK, LBJ and FDR combined, but I guess we'll have to settle for SOL."
by Don Rose, TRR Chief Political Retorter
Friday, July 29, 2005
FRIST BREAKS WITH BUSH, BACKS PRO-STEMCELL BILL; GOP SENATE LEADER NOW BANNED FROM CHURCH, LOSES MEMBERSHIP IN "BACKWARD SOCIETY OF AMERICA"
Frist Move Grist For Rumor Mill: Will He Lose Support of Influential Flat-Earth Society?
Proving he has somehow managed to reactivate the long dormant medical-doctor side of his brain, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist announced he will split from the Bush White House position and get behind Stem Cell Research. Although some on the religious right consider Stem Cells as an Evil, Satanic movement akin to allowing a woman to control her own body, Frist decided to take the risk and branch out into the dangeous area known as "thinking for yourself". "I guess I'd rather be Hippocratic than a hippocrate" said Frist, who now eats lunch at Burger King. "I'm gonna do things my way from now on, and if that means my polls go down and I seem less likely to get the GOP Presidential nomination in '08, well then I'll just change my mind again later" he said. What a Whopper indeed.
story by Don Rose, TRR Chief Political Retorter
Proving he has somehow managed to reactivate the long dormant medical-doctor side of his brain, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist announced he will split from the Bush White House position and get behind Stem Cell Research. Although some on the religious right consider Stem Cells as an Evil, Satanic movement akin to allowing a woman to control her own body, Frist decided to take the risk and branch out into the dangeous area known as "thinking for yourself". "I guess I'd rather be Hippocratic than a hippocrate" said Frist, who now eats lunch at Burger King. "I'm gonna do things my way from now on, and if that means my polls go down and I seem less likely to get the GOP Presidential nomination in '08, well then I'll just change my mind again later" he said. What a Whopper indeed.
story by Don Rose, TRR Chief Political Retorter
