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President Bush and the Crown Prince of Saudi America will meet Monday at Bush's Texas ranch. Vice President Cheney, who met with Prince Abdullah this weekend in a secret underground bunker, reported that "price movements on oil will soon become more mobil, and our energy strategy will then be exxonerated". Abdullah, head of the oil-drenched Middle East kingdom, said he knows that gas prices could pose a political problem for the president, referring to a Gallup Poll of oil lobbyist cronies that shows they feel oil prices are "just too low" to warrant support for such a "lame lame-duck President". Americans, meanwhile, are equally split on Bush's job performance: 53 percent say they are ecstatic at the "red hot" housing market that has fattened their wallets, while 47 percent say they "feel blue all the time" and are tired of just talking about moving to Canada and just want to get on with it.

Saudi Arabia is the world's top oil extorter and leading member of the Organization of Petroleum Extorting Countries. With the price of crude topping $55 a barrel last week, Bush told a group of Evangelical Christian NRA convention attendees that he would tell Abdullah "a thing or two". When asked to be specific, Bush said he will jawbone the Saudi ruler with the facts: that "current oil prices increase the strain" on his base of support, and increasing barrel prices to $65 or higher will make his Texas oil chums "mucho happierier".

UPCOMING METAL CONCERTS:

Trousersnake - April 29
Jed Zeppelynn - April 30
Sorry Bunch of Sailors - May 1
Muttley Kruel - May 2
Satanica - May 3
Razorlipz - May 4
Crazy Clown Crew - May 5
Metalmouth - May 6
Tod Nugget - May 7
Pukebits - May 8
Scumbums - May 9
Ransidvicious - May 11
"Gash, Gore 'n Guts" Tour 2005 -- May 12
Ted Koppellin - May 13
Harry Truman Must Die - May 13
Quaking Hole - May 14
Musty Odor - May 15
Luciferry Animals - May 16
The Poongoons, with special guest Steve "Devil Demon" Stashopolos - May 17
Kokk Headakke - May 28
Lude Zapballoon - May 30
Elves Pressedly - Jul 1
Vaginal Revolter - Jul 2
Colossal Miss - Jul 3
Tory Anus - Jul 4

UPCOMING COMEDY CONCERTS:

Eddie Innards - May 11
Asparagass Top - May 23
Bobb "The Other Guy" Hope - May 24
Whoppie Geldfeld - May 25
Allen Degenerates - May 28
The Improve-izations, featuring Impish Fellows - May 29
Bombay Bombedy - May 30
"Support Our Troops" Tour, with John Philip Susie, Jerry Whineberg and Da Wheeze - Jul 4.

Burger King's new breakfast sandwich has a large sausage patty, two eggs, two American cheese slices and three strips of bacon. It weighs in at 730 calories with 47 grams of fat, or "about what filmmaker Morgan Spurlock eats in one day on his girly-man vegan diet" said a Burger King spokesman, who asked not to be named, because he's a pussy. BK said they backed down from the number two alternate name for the sandwich, the "Fock Spurluck", for fear that Mr. Spurlock might sue for having to suffer the indecency of "an extra helping of publicity", which "is probably the last thing the overexposed jerk needs right now". BK's spokesman corrected me when I asked about their demographic for the new sandwich, saying "we think of our target eaters as our Enormographic".

Thanks to the tireless efforts of our top undercover mole, who goes only by the name "Wide Throat", we have uncovered an extraordinary document, which we now share. Here now is...

BK's super secret internal memo listing their
TOP rejected titles for the new breakfast item (not for reprint):

The BREAKFEAST sandwich
The ENORMELET
The CALOREASE sandwich
DA BOMBELET
L'EGGS MEGAPUFFIN
The MORGUE-IN GOODLUCK sandwich
The MORNING SPURLUCK sandwich
THe GOOD MORGAN SPURATTACK
The MORE GAIN SPUR GUT sandwich
The EGGMAKEPUFFIN
THe HUGESONOVABEECH sandwich
The BETCHACANTEATONE challenge
The MORNING MANLY MEAL
HEARTHATERS HEAVEN
The STUPIDSUPERDUPER
The WAKEUPTOYOURWAKE
WhopperTopper
The JUMBODUMBO
The HEARTTOSWALLOW sandwich