Saturday, November 06, 2004
BUSH SAYS JOBLESS RATE WILL SOON FALL DRAMATICALLY AS DEMOCRATS LEAVE NATION IN DROVES
NEW VACATION PACKAGE, THE "FOUR YEAR CRUISE", NOW SOLD OUT
Americans jammed Canada's main immigration website the day after the Election, a clear sign that many folks are seriously thinking about moving to our northern neighbor after the Bush victory November 2nd. "Or maybe they just happen to all be thinking about a Canuck vacation at the same time, eh!" joked a spokesman for the White House. UK, Kiwi and Aussie sites experienced similar spikes in U.S. visits. Also surging with Democratic websurfers mere hours after the election were sites for Mexico, the Caribbean, South America, Greenland, Iceland, Lapland, Chad, Togo, Europe, Asia, Southeast Asia, India, Russia, China, the North Pole, the South Pole, the Space Station, and Lunar Bases.
The travel industry couldn't be more ecstatic at the unexpected boom. "All of our four year cruises are booked solid," raved travel agent Skip Townsend. "But we do have a few eight year trips available, if you hate Hillary too."
GOVT REPORTS 300,000+ NEW JOBS CREATED DURING PAST FEW WEEKS, MOSTLY IN HOT NEW PRISONER ABUSE INDUSTRY
More signs the economy is lifting itself out of a recession came this past week, as new job numbers continued to soar. Defense Chief Donald "The Other Donald" Rumsfeld applauded the data, saying the Prisoner Abuse field is still "growing like crazy"; President Bush agreed, adding that openings abroad at Abu Ghraib and other "hot spots" are even outpacing those at Guantanamo Bay. "Gitmo's great, but Iraq's where it's at", quipped Bush at his first post-mandate press conference. "I know the field of Presidential Polls and Punditry may have suffered recently, but there's no excuse not to go with Abuse." After pausing for laughs, which never came, he closed with "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the Capitol to spend my political capital."
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
DEMOCRATS TAKE OUT WANT AD FOR NEW NATIONAL LEADER
“Wanted: Presidential, Clintonesque Democrat to lead national party. Prefer current or former Governor, since all but one election since 1976 have been won by ex-Governors. Must have stellar background and rhetoric in security and terrorism, yet equal acumen in creating jobs and a national health care plan. Must have ability to win Southern states, or Ohio. Ideal candidate is strong and aggressive, yet has no plans to annex Poland. You are: naturally affable, funny, inspiring; you are not: a flip-flopper, overthinker or wuss. Preferably have great hair, or last name Clinton. If this sounds like you, call immediately: 1-800-NOLOSER.”
GOD, GUNS, GAYS, GOP GREEN GIVE GEORGE GRAND GO-AHEAD
Prez Wins Second Term With Most Votes In History, If You Don't Count Nazi Germany
GOP FIRES NADER, DEMANDS MONEY BACK; CITES POOR JOB SIPHONING VOTES
"DIDN'T SWING ENOUGH VOTES TO WARRANT HIS SALARY", SAYS WHITE HOUSE
DESPITE BUSH OHIO LEAD, EDWARDS SAYS DEMO TICKET WON'T CONCEDE; "MUST WAIT TILL EVERY LAST VOTE IS THROWN OUT"
It all comes down to Ohio: Bush leads there so far, and whoever captures that state will almost certainly be the next President. Yet Ohio's provisional ballots still have not been all accounted for; Democrats said it may take "up to a week or more" for all those votes to be properly discarded, torn up, lost or destroyed.
Senator John Edwards made the following statement in Boston early Wednesday morning: “It’s been a long night. We’ve waited four years for this, we can wait one more night. Tonight, John and I are so proud of all of you who are here with us and all of you across the country who have stood with us in this campaign -- like, for example, you lesbians. Not Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, that's true, but most lesbians. John Kerry and I made a promise to the American people that with this election, we would not concede to the fixed result until every vote was erased, and every vote was tossed out with a diabolical laugh. Tonight, we are keeping our word. Thank you."
Senator John Edwards made the following statement in Boston early Wednesday morning: “It’s been a long night. We’ve waited four years for this, we can wait one more night. Tonight, John and I are so proud of all of you who are here with us and all of you across the country who have stood with us in this campaign -- like, for example, you lesbians. Not Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, that's true, but most lesbians. John Kerry and I made a promise to the American people that with this election, we would not concede to the fixed result until every vote was erased, and every vote was tossed out with a diabolical laugh. Tonight, we are keeping our word. Thank you."
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
JIMMY CARTER LEADS TEAM OF IRAQIS, AFGHANS, QADDAFI IN MONITORING FLORIDA VOTE; DECLARES "ALL IS PEACHY"
"JUST BUSINESS AS USUAL", EX PREZ REPORTS, "A FEW THOUSAND MISSING BALLOTS, ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINE HACKING, AND AFRICAN-AMERICAN BULLYING"
Jimmy Carter confirmed that nothing out of the ordinary is going on in the key swing state of Florida today, Election Day. "It's amazing how normal things are", added fellow monitor Muammar Qaddafi. "Just the usual lost votes, confusing ballots, hanging chads, overlong lines, on-site disputes, faulty projections, journalist repression, armies of lawyers, exit poll harassment, factual lies, and disenfranchisement of dark-skinned minorities. But if anything unusual turns up, we'll letcha know."
Jimmy Carter confirmed that nothing out of the ordinary is going on in the key swing state of Florida today, Election Day. "It's amazing how normal things are", added fellow monitor Muammar Qaddafi. "Just the usual lost votes, confusing ballots, hanging chads, overlong lines, on-site disputes, faulty projections, journalist repression, armies of lawyers, exit poll harassment, factual lies, and disenfranchisement of dark-skinned minorities. But if anything unusual turns up, we'll letcha know."
MUAMMAR QADDAFI OFFICIALLY SHORTENS NAME TO 'QADDAFI'
In yet another exclusive, TRR has learned that Muammar Qaddafi officially joined the Mono-Moniker Club today. "I woke up one day and realized, hey, I am famous, admit it -- there is no other Qaddafi more famous than I. So heck, why waste time with the Muommar? Why can't I go Mono like Bono?"
Qaddafi, called "Daffy Qaddafi" by fellow strongmen and strongwomen, also told TRR he is launching a new branding campaign, using the slogan "You say Kaddafi, I say Qaddafi -- Let's call the Muammar off". Qaddafi is currently on holiday in West Palm Beach, volunteering as U.S. election monitor before going back in the editing room to finish his new docu, "Dubya and Libya: A Love Story".
Qaddafi, called "Daffy Qaddafi" by fellow strongmen and strongwomen, also told TRR he is launching a new branding campaign, using the slogan "You say Kaddafi, I say Qaddafi -- Let's call the Muammar off". Qaddafi is currently on holiday in West Palm Beach, volunteering as U.S. election monitor before going back in the editing room to finish his new docu, "Dubya and Libya: A Love Story".
Monday, November 01, 2004
COURT REJECTS GOP APPEAL TO STOP JIMMY CARTER FROM MONITORING ELECTION IN FLORIDA
IRAQIS ARRIVE IN OHIO TO MONITOR ELECTION; AFGHANS FLY TO WISCONSIN TONIGHT TO MAKE SURE VOTE IS FAIR
FLORIDA POLLS PREPARE FOR RECORD CONVICTED FELON TURNOUT
ON NOV. 2, MILLIONS OF MALE VOTERS FACE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE IN HISTORY: "VICTORY SEX" OR "SYMPATHY SEX"
"Bottom line, there's gonna be sex, and plenty of it", claims sexologist and handlebar mustache researcher Ed Bedlee. "Election night historically provides a 'perfect storm' of conditions for the horizontal mambo: surging emotions, excuses to hug happy females with each state's exit poll numbers, and the handy excuse of either victory celebration or defeat sympathy. It's every male's dream."
SHUTTLE TO RETURN TO FLIGHT IN MID '05, AS NEWEST MEMBER OF FEDEX FLEET
UPCOMING MISSIONS WILL INSPIRE ENTIRE NEW GENERATION OF SPACE ENTHUSIASTS TO "USE FEDEX"
"The space shuttle will add a degree of respect and panache that money just can't buy. Well, actually it did. But you get my point" said a spokesman for FedEx. NASA said renting out the space plane for supersonic suborbital package delivery will fit the agency's new motto, "Safety First, If At All Possible". In addition, the infusion of corporate cash will help fund NASA's newest missions, which will focus more heavily on the goal of "landing a man on Ellen DeGeneres by 2015".
"The space shuttle will add a degree of respect and panache that money just can't buy. Well, actually it did. But you get my point" said a spokesman for FedEx. NASA said renting out the space plane for supersonic suborbital package delivery will fit the agency's new motto, "Safety First, If At All Possible". In addition, the infusion of corporate cash will help fund NASA's newest missions, which will focus more heavily on the goal of "landing a man on Ellen DeGeneres by 2015".
