Thursday, February 02, 2006
IN STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH, BUSH SHOCKS CROWD WITH REVELATION THAT U.S. IS "ADDICTED TO OIL"; ALSO REVEALS MEN "LOVE BIG BOOBS" & 3 "IS LESS THAN 4"
Here is the official and complete White House list of the stunning revelations President Bush shared with us in his most enlightening speech ever -- the 2005 State of the Union address:
The state of the Union is strong.
The Union of two heterosexuals is strong.
The United States is addicted to oil.
Oil is more addictive than crack cocaine, Blackberries and Jennifer Aniston combined.
The fact that a gas nozzle is phallic may be enticing female motorists to consume more oil.
We must find and lock up the dealers of oil, not blame the oil addicts trying to kick the habit.
To help those suffering from oil addiction, federal funding will triple for Oilcoholics Anonymous.
A new "War on Oil" campaign will officially replace the tired, outdated "War on Drugs" campaign.
New "Just Say No" banners will be mandated for all gaspumps.
Men love big boobs, the bigger the better.
Men prefer natural boobs to fake boobs, but we'll take what we can get.
The number 3 is less than 4, and apparently has been for some time.
Pluto is both a dog and a planet.
George Clooney is a triple threat -- actor, writer, director, producer.
"Curb Your Enthusiasm" is the funniest show on television -- that Larry David is a hoot.
If every one of us drove a Prius like Larry David, is that really a world you'd want to live in?
Jack Abramoff who?
Monday, January 30, 2006
SADDAM TAKES HIATUS FROM TRIAL TO HOST 21st ANNUAL HENCHMAN AWARDS
Sources say Saddam Hussein was a no-show at his trial because he is taking a hiatus to MC the annual Henchman Awards in Las Vegas this month, after another noted henchman cancelled at the last minute. "I am most humbled and honored to accept this gracious invitation, as I always enjoy time spent in the company of my fellow henchmen and henchwomen," said the former Iraqi dictator. He then added that he often gets mistaken for poet Walt Whitman, and is really getting tired of it.
Asked if security will be a problem, Hussein, who is currently working on his opening monologue for the awards show, laughed hysterically with his head cocked back, then shouted, "Security is easy. Comedy is hard."
