Thursday, September 30, 2004
JULY - AUG - SEPT 2004 NNN STORIES
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - SEP 23, 2004
FAKE FORGERY FLAK FOILED! Tiffany Network Launches First-Ever "Dramality" Show To Reinforce Positive News Image
CBS, RATHER DESPERATE TO RECOVER FROM BUSH NAT'L GUARD MEMO CONTROVERSY, COMBINES DRAMA AND REALITY GENRES INTO CSI HIT
Newest CSI series will follow the exploits of "Dan", "Leslie" and "Andy the Curmudgeon", in their never-ending quest to investigate news bias, faulty leads, and other crimes of journalistic judgment at CBS. New ads due today: "News can be murder... when you'd kill for a story" and "There's no BS inside CBS".
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - SEP 22, 2004
**NEW SHOW! DISCOVERY CHANNEL PRESENTS "MONSTER GENETIC ENGINEERING LAB"**
In this spinoff to the monster hit "Monster Garage", Jesse and the gang create new, amazing freaks of nature from existing flora and fauna, using only primitive DNA recombination machines, pliers, and a lot of elbow grease. Killer turtles, flying sloths, man-eating asparagus, giant fleas infested with tiny dogs -- nothing is too bizarre for this crew! Thursdays at 9, after "Trading Species".
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - SEP 17, 2004
BUSH, AT ROSH HASHANAH SERVICE, CELEBRATES JEWISH NEW YEAR; VOWS TO FORM EXPANDED "JUDEO-CHRISTIAN RIGHT" IN NEW TERM
Tells Israeli audience to vote for him, insisting "I may be Born Again, but I hate those pesky A-rabs as much as you do".
"FREEDOM OF SPEECH SUCKS" T-SHIRT WEARERS ARRESTED; CLAIM FREEDOM OF SPEECH RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED
REMOVED FROM BUSH RALLY BY GUYS IN DARK SUITS AND GLASSES
Several men heckling President Bush for not enacting more restrictions on freedom of speech were arrested early Friday morning, and immediately sued the White House for violating their rights to freedom of speech. "We have every right to wear 'Freedom Of Speech Sucks' t-shirts! I thought this was still a free country, where everyone can express their point of view" said Les Hart, President of Americans Speaking Out For Less Freedom Of Speech. "We believe freedom of speech is overrated, encourages America bashing, and should be removed from the Constitution -- but if we can't express this belief, what is this nation coming to?" A spokesman for the Bush camp later apologized to the t-shirt protesters, saying "we actually like their shirts, but operatives working the rally saw 'freedom' and 'sucks' on the same garment, and just freaked".
**NEW SHOW! ABC PRESENTS "EXTREME SWITCHEROO"**
Wacky hijinx, love, and a little blood mix together into one HELL of a show. You've NEVER seen job swaps like THIS! See a truck driver perform heart surgery... a heart surgeon mesmerize a stripclub... and a stripper drive a truck off a cliff (oops! can you say Liability Coverage?). Allstate Farm presents... "EXTREME SWITCHEROO"... only on ABC.
"And like a good neighbor's hands, Allstate Farm is there".
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - SEP 16, 2004
JESUS WAS REPUBLICAN, NEW GOP AD CLAIMS
A new political group calling itself Biblical Scholars for Truth stated today that, according to "direct and Holy evidence", Jesus Christ "was definitely a member of the Republican Party". Democrats immediately cried foul, saying the evidence -- a caricature of Jesus wearing a GOP button -- is simply nowhere to be found, and perhaps even a forgery. Another group, calling itself Citizens for Exposing the Obvious, proposed its own radical theory: that, since the art of caricature was not popularized until hundreds and hundreds of years after Jesus walked the Earth, there was simply no way the humorous drawing could have been created during His lifetime ("unless, of course, it was a miracle").
**NEW SHOW! "DAVY CROCKETT & TUBBS: LOUISIANA PURCHASE VICE"**
Pretty much speaks for itself. The ancestors of Miami's cool cops keep law and order in the Old West, break up hemp cartels, protect squaws, and constantly try to "poke a Hontas". Buddy banter was never better.
"At NBC... it Must Be TV".
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - SEP 15, 2004
OPRAH LAUNCHES NEW SEASON BY GIVING ENTIRE STUDIO AUDIENCE BRAND NEW PONTIAC CARS WITHOUT ENGINES
The cheers, tears and hugs of a few hundred ecstatic audience members soon turned to boos and racial slurs when they finally tried to start their new cars. "Well, what did you ungrateful losers expect?" said the popular TV talkshow host, who has been inspiring and educating viewers since the mid-80's. "You got a f--king car, did you actually expect an engine too? Those things are expensive! Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you pathetic whiners?" Pontiac had no comment, except to say that their mechanics are the only ones truly trained to put in Pontiac engines, and going to a third party may save money now "but won't in the long run".
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - SEP 14, 2004
N0PEC TO INCREASE PRODUCTION OF ZEROES; BUSH CALLS ZERO SHORTAGE "TEMPORARY", PROMISES "GREATER NUMEROSITY" IN TIME FOR RECORD BUDGET DEFICITS
N0PEC, the Number "0" Production Equation Cartel, promised to bring zero production to higher levels by 0ct0ber, in time for the White House to use in record deficit numbers planned for 2006. "If the number of numbers continues its numerical increase, we might finally get the budget into the trillions" said the President, "and wouldn't that do a number on those Dem-0-crats!" Bush, when pressed by the press, then admitted that "numbers never were my strong suit", but "flight suits were".
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - SEP 13, 2004
HASBEEN GUILD OF AMERICA ANNOUNCED IN HOLLYWOOD, AT GALA COLT-45 RECEPTION
"THE HGA WILL FIGHT FOR THE RIGHTS OF ALL HAS-BEENS, ONCE-WERES AND ALSO-RANS" SAID PRESIDENT SHECKY SMIRNOFF, FROM HATCHBACK OF PINTO
"When writers, directors and producers lose buzz, they can't afford to be in the WGA, DGA or PGA. And those guilds don't want 'em, neither. They had nowhere to turn, until now," said Smirnoff, no relation to Yakof Smirnoff, though they did almost meet once at a Russian mail-order bridal show. "The number of hasbeens has been swelling for years. We're feeding a need. When the greedy become needy, we make sure help is speedy." The new guild will be open to all hasbeens, free, thanks to sponsors like Berrt's Tip-Top Toupees, Dye Another Day Haircolor, and Girthy Girl Girdles. "With HGA, being washed up doesn't mean you have to drown," added Smirnoff, who admits his English "ain't too good".
"Not Legible Enough For Five Bucks", Punchy Stalker-In-Training Insists
"That guy deserves a Section 8, not me" quipped the ex-MASH star, as he delicately pressed a raw steak onto his swelled eyesocket. Still, Jamie "Klinger" Farr admitted to making a bundle at the convention, charging his standard rate of 5 dollars per autograph, 10 per photo, and 20 for photos wearing a dress. Former Farr fan Eddie Decker was arrested, as records showed a previous altercation with celebrity: he once flattened Rose Marie for refusing to sign a copy of her tell-all tome, "I Was 'Rob'bed: How Cracking People Up As The Funny Broad On The Dick Van Dyke Show Wasn't All It Was Cracked Up To Be, and Other Tales No One Will Read".
# # #
This edition of NEW NEWS NOW was brought to you by...
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - AUG 29, 2004
FLASH! SCOOP FOR TRR READERS: we have obtained the official event notes for activities taking place this week at the Republican National Convention in New York. We now present highlights from that list.
GOP CONVENTION 2004: OFFICIAL SCHEDULE NOTES (HIGHLIGHTS)
MONDAY
Invocation by Rev. Billy Graham; sermon: "Why Jesus Prefers A Bush Landslide"
Pledge of Allegiance, with extra "under God" inserted at end
Reading of the names of those who went from billionaires to millionaires during stock market crash
Swift Boat Veterans explain how they were not paid by the President to come out in favor of the President, and why groups like theirs should be made illegal
Battack Obama, Barack Obama's evil twin, gives rousing speech backing Bush
Swift Boat Veteran Sketch Comedy Players make hilarious fun of the election
TUESDAY
Invocation by President of Christian Gun Club of Ohio
Reading of the names of those who lost loved ones, 5s, 10s, 100s, 1000s during stock market crash
Senate Retirees For Truth unveil evidence that John Kerry never really served as a Senator from Massachusetts, as he repeatedly claims
Dinner: Meat, Potatoes, Wonder Bread, Apple Pie, Milk, Meat
Party in Room 205B - "Nail the Tail on the Donkey: The Clinton Affair Game"
WEDNESDAY
CEO of Christian Coalition Corp reminds speakers to resist the temptation to use the phrase "Hump Day"
Katherine Harris speech: "Is A Repeat of the Debacle in Florida Likely? Does The Pope Ride The Popemobile?"
Trent Lott speech: "Why Abolishing Slavery Was A Liberal Plot to Ruin the South, and Why My Slaves are Happier than a Pig in a Poke"
Ann Coulter spews insane tripe while combing her silky blonde locks
Dick Cheney accepts VP nomination; gives update on the ongoing search for WMDs, and the Bill Of Rights
Keep the Veep Party, sponsored by Halliburton, Enron and MCI; free "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards to first 1000 guests
THURSDAY
John Ashcroft sings "God Bless America, Except for Liberal Scum"
Rudy Giuliani sings "New York, New York" backed by Rockettes, or some other gals with great legs/hooters
Bush accepts nomination, wearing tailor-made American Flag suit
Play themesong "Born in the USA" as Bush/Cheney lock and raise hands in as non-gay a way as possible
Dropping of 1 million balloons made in China but reading "Made in USA"
Spin expected Springsteen lawsuit over themesong as Dem liberals squashing freedom and whining as usual
# # #
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - AUG 26, 2004
ABC's press release says, "Wow, outtasight! Now Fonzie, Richie and the gang are groovier than ever and ready for the 70s with the new DVD of their final, never-before-aired "Blacklight" season - filmed entirely in the magic of Blacklightvision!". The other new DVD edition of Happy Days is a "reimagining" of the show, featuring black doubles for Fonzie, Chachi and Richie's bitch. The Blacklight Edition comes with a rad Blacklight Poster of the gang, and a free 20-page booklet chock full of warnings from the Surgeon General about the hazards of staring too long at blacklight. The "HD MIXED" boxset comes with a free audiotape of Malcolm X's final lecture, "Why Whitey Wants U 2 Watch TV".
New News Now - Recent Report Roundup - AUG 24, 2004
Slaves put finishing touches on 2005 Ford Retro (left); slave calibrates nano-terabyte hard drive inside Wankel Rotary Engine (right)
Senator Trent Lott spoke up in favor of slave labor, insisting "it made our small ass nation grow like gangbusters way back when -- and today, without the indentured laborer, this ole economy'd be tankin' even worse than it already is". (For the record, The Rose Review freed our slaves back in March.)
BUSH SAYS HE WILL TELL SWIFT BOAT VETS TO END NEGATIVE ADS THAT ATTACK KERRY'S NAM RECORD, IF KERRY DROPS PLANS TO SHOW THE NATION HIS WOUNDS IN A 90 MINUTE TV SPECIAL WHILE SINGING "GOD BLESS AMERICA"
Bush said he was "grateful for the chance to denounce these ads which insist Kerry's a calculating, unamerican, commie medal-faking liar, now that the ads have stopped running and I can make voters aware of them one last time".
President Bush shows Vice President Cheney and the press how far he got off the coast of the U.S. before his "Operation Chilly Gookoff" was called off. "I blame that cynical, jaded, spineless Congress. I wanted to be a hero for my country too, but that liberal done blew my chance".
SUPERMODEL/ACTRESS REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS AND ACTOR JOHN STAMOS SPLIT; CITE GENETIC TEST SHOWING THEIR OFFSPRING WOULD BE "TERMINALLY HOT"
Romijn-Stamos also cited a need to "explore other hyphenates". The blonde uberbabe told TRR she is looking to "really play the field now", and has not ruled out the possibility of becoming Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-Fawcett-Majors.
Prized art piece, "D'Ein Skream", has been taken from a museum in Norway. A reward of "1 million pints of Ben and Jerry's new I Scream flavor" has been offered as a reward for its recovery.
NEW GROUP, "NATIONAL GUARD DESERTERS FOR KERRY", COUNTERS DAMAGE CAUSED BY "SWIFT BOAT VETERANS FOR BUSH"
"We were right there, alongside the President, and we feel he did a lousy job of shunning and shirking his National Guard duties" said the head of NGDFK. "Quite frankly, he was the worst deserter I ever saw. He actually showed up once in a blue moon. Heck, ol' W just gives other deserters a bad name".
Calls Hurricanes, Twisters, Earthquakes "Axis of Nature's Evil"
"We Americans will not stand for this vicious loss of life that shows no regard for our patriotic citizens. It's just despicable" said the President, polls rising. "We shall not rest until every element of nature's arsenal is vanquished." Bush then snapped into action -- breaking off diplomatic relations with tornadoes, severing ties with locusts, and ending talks with "any flood suspected of harboring terrorists". A new book, "Why Does Nature Hate Us?", is in the works.
# # #
DEMS SUSPECT GOP FOUL PLAY; REPLAY OF VEEP SPEECH SHOWS TELEPROMPTER SAYING EDWARDS IS THE "SON OF A RUMOR MILL WORKER" WHO WILL MAKE SURE "DOPE IS ON THE WAY"
More hanky-panky: 20,000 "John-John" placards were returned to printer, who refused to give refund to irate DNC officials. "You told me to print their names, how did I know you meant last names? What am I, a mind reader?"
FCC FINES KERRY MILLIONS FOR VOWING TO LICK BUSH; LEVIES STIFF FINE ON EDWARDS FOR PROMISING TO BEAT DICK HANDILY DURING DEBATES
"I'm a master debater" said the Dem V.P. pick. "Have been since high school."
KERRY GETS BUMP IN NORTHERN REGION AFTER CONVENTION SPEECH; HAS BUMP REMOVED BY BOTOX
BUSH SAYS KERRY-CONVENTION POLL JUMP "DON'T MEAN SQUAT"; INSISTS THAT, IF HE CAN JUST STEM RISING NEGATIVES AMONG WOMEN, HISPANICS, BLACKS, VETS, STUDENTS, TEACHERS, LAWYERS, COMICS, 20-SOMETHINGS, 30-SOMETHINGS, BOOMERS, GEN X'ERS, SENIORS, SINGLE PEOPLE, MARRIED COUPLES, MEN, WHITE PEOPLE, AND PEOPLE WHO USE THE LETTER "E", HE CAN STILL WIN ELECTION
DNC LEADERS AT CONVENTION VOTE TO REMOVE TALENT PORTION FROM 2008 POLITICAL PAGEANT
TRENT LOTT CONGRATULATES MIXED-RACE SENATE CANDIDATE BARACK OBAMA ON POWERFUL SPEECH TO DEM CONVENTION; PROMISES TO GIVE OBAMA KEY TO SENATE'S COLORED BATHROOM
COLLEGE VIEWERSHIP TRIPLES DURING CONVENTION; DEMS CREDIT BOLD DECISION TO LET TED KENNEDY BURP ENTIRE TEXT OF PARTY PLATFORM
JESSE JACKSON GIVES UP ON REWRITING DEM PARTY PLATFORM INTO 1,500 PAGE POEM; CITES "RHYMING SHORTAGE"
CUTE CONSERVATIVISTA ANN COULTER VOTED "SEXIEST RETARD ALIVE" BY PEOPLE MAGAZINE
AL FRANKEN'S NEW BOOK, "ANN COULTER IS A BRASH, FIT IDIOT (BUT I'D STILL JUMP HER BONES)", CONTINUES ASCENT UP BESTSELLER LIST
# # #
**** BREAKING NEWS: DOZENS DEAD AND ONE ALIVE IN BIZARRE MURDER-SUICIDE-BIRTH INDICENT ****
MORE TONITE, ON CHANNEL 14: THE ONLY LOCAL STATION THAT BRINGS YOU 3 O'CLOCK, 4 O'CLOCK, 5 O'CLOCK, 6 O'CLOCK, 7 O'CLOCK & 10 O'CLOCK NEWS. OH, AND NEWS AT 11. CHANNEL 14: "MORE NEWS THAN YOU NEED".
# # #
9/11 COMMISSION REPORT: CONDENSED HIGHLIGHTS
To save you the time of reading the tome (there is less sex than the Starr Report, which was thicker and longer), TRR compiled the highlights for you:
Require "Four-Section" seat plan: first class, business class, coach, terrorist
Stop any passenger having large bulge in pants, especially if "gun-shaped"
Improve cockpit door locks; quit using combination "0 0 0"
Only open cockpit door to persons knowing secret knock; knock cannot have pattern "knock knock kn-knock knock... knock knock"
All plane personnel must wear KevlarKondom all-over bodysuit, with on-suit ads to bolster airline revenue
Allow fewer takeoffs near tall buildings
Allow fewer landings near tall buildings
Return New York City to 1804 ten-story skyscraper height limit
Make entire plane out of material used by black box flight recorder
Retrofit all planes with new NERF AIRBAG SYSTEM; in event of attack, system deploys and covers entire craft with Nerf cushion. New ad campaign: "our planes bounce, but don't crash"
If plane is plummeting to Earth, allow pilot special permission to let passengers careen about the cabin
Reveal to American people long-suppressed secret study proving seats cannot be used as floatation device
Change goal of seat from floatation to sitting
# # #
**** BREAKING NEWS: FBI NABS NINE AL QAEDA MIMES; TERROR TROUPE ACTS OUT SENTENCE "WE'LL NEVER TALK" ****
MORE TONITE, ON CHANNEL 14: THE ONLY 24/7 LOCAL NEWS STATION. BECAUSE YOUR WORLD NEVER SLEEPS. AND NEITHER DO WE. (EXCEPT FOR MANNY -- HE CLEAN HERE AND NEED HIS REST -- BUT EVERYONE ELSE, IT'S GO TIME ROUND THE CLOCK.) CHANNEL 14: "MORE NEWS THAN YOU NEED".
# # #
V.P. CHENEY CONFIRMS PLANS FOR POSSIBLE DELAY OF ELECTION, IN CASE OF TERROR ATTACK "IN ANY STATE TOO CLOSE TO CALL"
BUSH PLEDGES TO IMPLEMENT CHANGES RECOMMENDED BY 9/11 PANEL; SHORTER BUILDINGS, FEWER LANDINGS NEAR BUILDINGS, ELIMINATION OF BALSA-WOOD COCKPIT DOORS, MORE SEARCHING OF PASSENGERS WITH GUNS DOWN CROTCH "MAY COME AS SOON AS NEXT DECADE"
"The danger to America has not passed" said the President, "for if it did, there'd go my chances for re-election, right there."
Lance Enhanced? "Not so" says his agent, Lefty Munnychanger, but TRR is suspicious now that he's secured his client a lucrative contract to serve as spokesman for "AndroAde". More grist for the mill: the champion cyclist will also record a track for the forthcoming CD, "Anabollocks" -- an all-star athlete tribute to the Sex Pistols.
"SHOW ME YOUR ASS" HOAX WREAKING HAVOC ON GULLIBLE CITIZENS
"Please, for the love of God, if someone comes to your door and asks to see your ass, do NOT show it to him. He just wants to see your ass" said the CEO of non-profit support group DontShowYourAss.org. "Do NOT fall for this ruse! Use common sense. Reputable businesses do not ask to see your ass. So please, do not show your ass, to ANYONE. Unless it's Nigerian royalty needing you to get money out of a bank. But otherwise, NO."
###
REJECTED TITLES FOR "CATWOMAN" FILM, STARRING HALLE BERRY
Here is "the list", obtained by our trusty TRR tinseltown moles -- a collection of potential titles for the "Batman"-spinoff that execs didn't want you to see:
PUSS IN BOOTS
OCTOKITTY
BERRY TIGHT LEATHER WITH LOTSA SKIN EXPOSED, EPISODE 1
PUSSYWHIP
CAT O' FINE TAIL
MASKED MAHOGANY MAMA
PENTAPUSSY
THE WOMAN WITH CATLIKE QUALITIES
LOOK AT DEM BREASTS
FELINE FEMME FATALE FIASCO
THE HALLE CASHING IN ON OSCAR PROJECT
MEOWW THAT HURT
DESPERATE ACT OF A DYING FRANCHISE
PUSSY WHIPS ASS
SCATWOMAN
GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DVD
###
BUSH DEFENDS DECISION TO "BLOW OFF" NAACP; SAYS BILL COSBY KEYNOTE "WILL SAY WHAT'S IN WHITE FOLKS MINDS BETTER THAN I CAN"
Prez said he decided to visit the Urban League instead "because I've always wanted to see Satchel Paige pitch".
HOUSECLEANER CLEANS UP BIGTIME, WINS $294-MIL LOTTERY; VOWS TO CONTINUE CLEANING TOILETS, PICKING CAT HAIRS OUT OF CLOTHES "BECAUSE I LOVE IT"
"Being rich will not change me, never never never", said the big winner from her Bentley, fresh from a guest appearance on ABC's "Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Extremely Madeover Daughter". She added that "no amount of millions will ever change the pleasure I get from mopping dirty floors for hours, and scraping mildew off strangers' gross bathroom tubs and tiles."
MAN SURPASSES $1-MIL WINNINGS ON JEOPARDY; GIVEN ANSWER "2 TO THE 24,036,583rd POWER, MINUS 1", HE CORRECTLY PROVIDES QUESTION "WHAT IS LARGEST KNOWN PRIME NUMBER, OR, THE NUMBER OF SPAM EMAILS I NOW HAVE THANKS TO ALL THIS FRICKIN' PUBLICITY"
Overshadowed in all the hoopla was Ernie Jackson, who also set a new Jeopardy record for highest negative total ever: -$759,824. The dejected contestant said he has worked things out with the show, however; instead of paying up, Ernie will be washing dishes in the Jeopardy kitchen until the year 2023. He will then serve as Alex Trebek's manservant til 2043.
IN LANDMARK CASE MARKING FIRST MOVE INTO SPORTS, SUPREME COURT VOTES 5-4 TO HALT ALL-STAR GAME BEFORE ALL RUNS ARE COUNTED, DECLARES NATIONAL LEAGUE VICTORIOUS
"The first recount led to a decrease of 6 A.L. 'overruns' ", said Justice Scalia, "and we simply could not let the nation wait while endless additional recounts were performed".
File footage of pre-slap wrist preparation; if found guilty, Lay wrist will be slapped live on Court TV, simulcast on Court Radio
"The details are still being worked out -- which wrist, how hard, how many slappings, that kind of thing. But these are minor issues" said the lead U.S. prosecutor. He added that profits from a live wristslapping special would go to the families of the CEOs of the networks broadcasting the special.
COMPROMISE REACHED IN CONGRESS; AMENDMENT TO BAN SAME SEX MARRIAGE IS DROPPED, BUT CONSERVATIVES CAN REFER TO BERLIN AS "REAGANLAND" FOR 1 YEAR IN ALL CORRESPONDENCE
RALPH NADER CUTS NEW SINGLE, "GOP TO GET YOU INTO MY LIFE"
CONSERVATIVES PUSH NEW AMENDMENT BILL; WOULD CHANGE NAME "CONSTITUTION" TO LESS DIRTY SOUNDING "CONSBREASTUTION"
###
Zogby Polls: The Electoral College Race So Far (7/12, 6/20, 6/6, 5/23)
As of July 12:
President George W. Bush 205 (previous poll results: 285 242 218)
Senator John Kerry 322 (previous poll results: 253 296 320)
Above info quoted from the Zogby website: http://www.zogby.com
Rose Review Poll: "If the Election were being held today..."
* ...time travel would be possible. 95%
* ...I'd be like, whoa, I must be Rip Van Freakin Winkle! That is so rad. 4%
* ...then dude, this is some killer weed. I vote we get some more. 1%
###
The following collection of recent stories is brought to you by...
ScrewMaster
Official Screwdriver of the 2004 Summer Olympics
KERRY DROPS BOT FROM TICKET, FALLS FOR EDWARDS; SHOCKED MANDROID DISSED BY TRYST
KERRY ADMITS COURTING HUMAN VOTE ONLY WAY TO BEAT BUSH; LOSS OF VEEPSTAKES DRIVES BOT BERSERK AS ASIMO SUFFERS FIRST BOUT OF RAGE
Asimov's famed Three Laws of Robotics prevented the one-time candroidate from killing either Kerry or Edwards, but an intense rush of strange emotions drove the bot into a logical knot, leading it to swing its arms around and crush inanimate objects for hours. Eventually Asimo calmed down when Kerry told him he was sorry, that "it's not you, it's me", and promised the droid he could displace some human workers as soon as the election was over.
BUSH TOUTS EXPANDING WORKFORCE; PROMISES GROWTH IN "BRASS BAND, GLASS BLOWING AND BALLOON-ANIMAL-MAKING INDUSTRIES"
PREZ APOLOGIZES HOURS LATER, BLAMES CIA FOR BAD INTELLIGENCE THAT PREDICTS "2 MILLION NEW BLOW JOBS BY LABOR DAY"
<>KERRY PICKS ASIMO ROBOT AS RUNNING MATE
Bot "Balances Ticket", "Enhances Kerry's Humanness"
Kerry told a mixed crowd of humans and robots that "this is a bold choice, a choice that speaks to the future", and he "can't wait to see Asimo go toe to toe with Dick Cheney, maybe even throw him across the room". Pundits say the walking wondermachine -- named after author Isaac Asimov, who Asimo accidentally crushed to death as a teenage robot -- is also "a great tie-in" to the upcoming summer blockbuster "I, Robot". And, they add, "he makes Kerry look more human".
GOP ATTACKS ASIMO; CALLS KERRY'S ROBO-VEEP PICK A "DISINGENUOUS, ANTI-BUSINESS, TAX-AND-SPEND LIBERAL"
Republicans also derided the metal Golem as Kerry's "second choice" -- but Demos insist Asimo, who hails from Dixie, will help win the South, and draw out millions of first-time robot and cyborg voters.
Artist rendering of final "WTC II: Helping Hand" towers
July 4th brought the official start of construction for NYC's bold new Twin Towers replacement. Mayor Bloomberg told hundreds of assembled Congressmen, dignitaries and pickpockets that "This handsome hand, once completed, will give 9/11 families closure, and a promise -- that New York intends to give terrorists the finger for centuries to come".
NADER DENIES WORKING FOR GOP; CLAIMS ATTENDANCE AT BUSH CAMP BBQs "IS JUST FOR THE FREE FOOD" CASH BULGING OUT OF POCKETS "WAS OBVIOUSLY PLANTED BY DEMOCRATS TO MAKE ME LOOK NON-INDEPENDENT"
Skeptics, however, charge that Republicans are, for Nader, the real "Green" Party
BUSH TEAM ACCUSES KERRY CAMP OF TRYING TO STEAL ELECTION; SAYS "BEEP-BEEP VEEP" ASIMO USES SAME OPERATING SYSTEM AS ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINES, MUST BOW OUT OF RACE
Kerry countered that the Cheney android has already been upgraded to the very same operating system. "And, since he hasn't even been outed as a robot yet, it's Bush who's being the deceptive one here".
ELVIS FANS CELEBRATE 50th ANNIVERSARY OF "E-DAY": JULY '54 RECORDING OF FIRST ROCK SONG, "THAT'S ALL WHITE MAMA" JESSE JACKSON PROTESTS STEALING OF BLACK MUSIC; DEMANDS REPARATIONS FROM PRESLEY ESTATE
Some protested Jesse's protest, saying "Mama" was not the first rock record. Other contenders: Little Dickie Nixon's "Ain't That A Sham", Pat Boone's "My Shoes Are White, And So's My Drinking Fountain", and Muddy Waters' "My Feet's So Big, And You Knows What They Say"
MUSICOLOGISTS ALSO CELEBRATE 50th ANNIVERSARY OF 1ST RAP RECORD: PERRY COMO'S "BABY GOT DERRIERE"
Known today as crooner Perry Como, he started his career as MC PC, forging a bold new genre called "Hepcat-SockHop". This would evolve into "Hep-Hop", and eventually, Hip-Hop and Rap. However, PC's Hep-Hop LPs were suppressed, after Joe McCarthy labelled them "a Commie infection that will cause your kids' limbs to atrophy and fall off". Reborn as Perry Como, he found he could make more money playing down his "Gangster" roots and smoothly soothing a nation gripped by paranoia and suburbia -- a transformation that proved irresistible.
This rare 1954 collection of proto-rap anthems was quickly forgotten once the "Perry Como" act was retooled as a lovable crooner. Ignored by Ike-era critics, Rolling Drone now calls this "the greatest Hep-Hop record ever", one that still holds the record for most innocuous words per minute.
COSBY BLASTS BLACKS AS "LAZY, NO GOOD, POOR, STANKY"; CALLS WHITES "RICH, KIND, FIT, FRAGRANT"
Reaction to Bill Cosby's blunt remarks at annual Whitey Awards
Bill Cosby complained about his brethren again this week, while hosting the 52nd annual Whitey Awards. Cos claimed black kids are "running around like a bunch of descendents from African slaves". He then offered advice for black men: "Stop beating your women because you can't find a job; beat them cuz they're ugly, skanky ho-bags." The popular black comedian said he knows there are "a lot of detractors and black pimps out there", but "blackie" should stop hiding his "dirty laundry" and just "wash it like everyone else".
MOVIES CONTINUE TO SUCK REMAINING FEW DOLLARS FROM STRAPPED WORKERS; "FAHRENHEIT 9/11" PASSES $60 MIL MARK, "SPIDEY 2" LURES $30 MIL A DAY
At this rate, "Spiderman" sequel windfall will be $2 billion by Labor Day, $5 billion by Xmas, and equal the deficit by 2006. "F-9/11" also burned up the box office. The White House finally issued a statement, answering Michael Moore's charges by arguing that, quote, "Says you". Moore then mailed Bush his film, with a card reading "a gift from the Truth Fairy".
CLINTON MEMOIR CONTINUES RECORD SALES; NETS EX-PREZ DEAL FOR SEQUEL, "MONICALIFORNICATION"
###
MOST-RETURNED ITEMS THIS WEEK AT HOME DEPOT STORES
- Dick Cheney's "Blue Greeting" Cussing Doorbells
- Flat Hose Bags
- Dick Cheney brand "Manure Mouth" Compost Collectors
- "Fry The Guy" Doorknob Alarm Systems
- Phallico brand Spigots
- 4x6 PhotoPrints, "Direct From Your Retina"
- Michael Do-caulk-us brand Caulk
[ AD ]
Got words? Get a wordsmith!
Press releases, papers, speeches, articles, copywriting, books, scripts, rewrites, humor infusion, ghostwriting, jokes, ads. For all your writing needs, contact: ddrose@aol.com
[ SPONSOR ]
It's finally here...
the unbearable wait is over...
From the geniuses behind "The Swan" (where ugly ducklings are made into babes) comes the most wild, most woolly, most grizzly reality show yet.
Let's face it... people love makeovers... people love ferocious carnivores...
So get ready, America. It's...
THE BEAR SWAN
coming this Fall... only on Animal Planet.
Susie before
Susie after
(WARNING: The producers of The Bear Swan do not recommend performing surgery on huge flesh-tearing beasts; get professional help. We don't condone the use of plastic surgery on animals, we just taped some freaks who do.)
THE ROSE REVIEW
written/edited/produced by Don Rose
###
Got Tips? Events? Comments? Buyout offers? Send to ddrose@aol.com
Want to subscribe to TRR? Send request to above email.
Want to read other articles by Dr. Don on the Web? Visit LA Splash magazine; go to www.lasplash.com and do search on "ddrose" for links to stories.
Want to unsubscribe? Just send an unsub request to the above email.
Portions of The Rose Review may be reproduced, with proper attribution.
###
If you liked TRR, please forward to your friends and colleagues.
We'd love to hear your feedback on this Rose Prose; email us!
###
The Rose Review, TRR, RoseProse, The Net Effect, Famous Words Last, Copyright 2003-2004.
Tales of the weird, the wild, the wired, the world --
unique verses, diverse universes. (All rights reserved, and shy.)
###
We are actively seeking sponsors or investors. If interested, email Dr. Don at ddrose@aol.com .
