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BOTH ESTATES DENY MERGER RUMORS; CHRIST REPS EXPECT $3 BIL BID BY CHRISTMAS

AP reports that Presley heiress Lisa Marie will keep her father's mansion (Graceland) but sell off most of the rest of Elvis's estate, including rights to his name and image, in order to rake in approximately $100 million. The current company name, "Elvis Presley Enterprises", will change slightly to accommodate the new buyer, but they insist Elvis Nippon Enterprises "will continue to promote the lofty goals of the Presley family: to expand the Elvis brand into new markets worldwide, via willy-nilly licensing of the King to anyone with a pulse, or without". Lisa Marie ultimately turned down the chance to form Elvis Prestone Enterprises, Elvis Pelvis Organ Repair, and Elvis Aluminum Siding Enterprises, since the bids involved were "simply too chincy".

In a related story, Jesus Christ Enterprises may soon hit the auction block as well. Sales of all things Jesus have remained strong, especially during the millenial second-coming frenzy -- but business experts expect a much higher selling price, "given the proven track record of the Christ brand over the past several centuries". Potential buyers who have expressed interest in JCE include Jerry Falwell, the KKK, and Union Carbide.



Jesus, Elvis is hotter than ever! Now let's all sing "Amazing Graceland"...