Thursday, October 14, 2004
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, ROUND 3: CONDENSED TRANSCRIPT
To save our readers valuable time, here are the condensed highlights of the last Bush-Kerry debate:
BUSH: Thanks to Arizona for being here. Great state. Less filling.
KERRY: You call that a joke?
BUSH: No. Your Botoxed, fake-tanned FACE! THAT'S the joke! (heh, heh, heh...)
KERRY: What's that lump on your back, George? Are they feeding you jokes, too?
BUSH: You and your nutty liberal conspiracy theories. It's just... my mole, that's all.
KERRY: I prefer to talk issues, not tissues.
BUSH: Well, I am against killing unborn babies to get stem cells. We got Abu Ghraib prisoners for that.
KERRY: That war is wrong. W means Wrong. I have multiple Purple Hearts.
BUSH: War is war, we in wartime, me W, winning war, war war war. Well war, W win!
KERRY: How am I only TIED with this guy?
BUSH: America should not change horses in mid-stream.
KERRY: Unless it's drowning.
BUSH: A plan is not a litany of complaints, Senator!
KERRY: At least I know what litany means.
BUSH: That was uncalled for!
KERRY: Speaking of calls, have you phoned a friend, yet?
BUSH: I told you, it's just a mole. A large, box-like, radio resembling mole. Lay off!
KERRY: Speaking of layoffs, this President is the first to lose jobs during his term since Hoover!
BUSH: At least he made a dang good vacuum. (heh, heh, heh...)
KERRY: Hear that giant sucking sound? It's jobs moving lightspeed to other countries.
BUSH: I hear a sucking sound too. It's votes for Nader. Ralph rocks!
KERRY: By the way, I think your Vice President having a lesbian daughter is A-OK.
BUSH: Some of my best friends who are Vice Presidents have lesbo girls. Fine with me.
KERRY: Abortion is a choice. Something between a woman, her conscience, and her doctor.
BUSH: You forgot the government.
KERRY: Speaking of forgetting, how's the hunt for Osama going?
BUSH: Who?
KERRY: This President actually outsourced the job of killing Bin Laden to Afghan warlords!
BUSH: Well, I wouldn't call them LORDS. That's blasphemy!
KERRY: The President's plan for Social Security is an invitation to DISASTER.
BUSH: Then I will declare it a Disaster Area. Like in Florida. Go Gators! Go Seminoles!
KERRY: Did I mention Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian?
BUSH: She has every right to be an unsaved wacko if she wants. That's what makes our nation great!
KERRY: In closing, let me recap: Purple Hearts, better debater, Presidential, tall, great hair, experienced, strong, will hunt down and kill the terrorists, can't believe I'm only tied with this guy, Cheney lesbian kid, Bush's VP's daughter is a homosexual, I support Roe V. Wade, I am going to bring fiscal responsibility and health coverage to America. Good night, and God bless straights, gays and lesbians everywhere.
BUSH: You know, I love this painting in my White House, it is so optimistic, such bright colors. Tells me, as does the Almighty Lord, that good days are ahead. And yes, I do have a giant, square-shaped mole on my back, which many think is a radio receiver feeding me debate answers, but that is why God is so amazing, that he can make such a strange, artificial-looking mole! Yes, our nation's greatest days are ahead -- and I look forward to steering the ship for four more years. It's a titanic task, but I am a very good driver. Good night.
BUSH: Thanks to Arizona for being here. Great state. Less filling.
KERRY: You call that a joke?
BUSH: No. Your Botoxed, fake-tanned FACE! THAT'S the joke! (heh, heh, heh...)
KERRY: What's that lump on your back, George? Are they feeding you jokes, too?
BUSH: You and your nutty liberal conspiracy theories. It's just... my mole, that's all.
KERRY: I prefer to talk issues, not tissues.
BUSH: Well, I am against killing unborn babies to get stem cells. We got Abu Ghraib prisoners for that.
KERRY: That war is wrong. W means Wrong. I have multiple Purple Hearts.
BUSH: War is war, we in wartime, me W, winning war, war war war. Well war, W win!
KERRY: How am I only TIED with this guy?
BUSH: America should not change horses in mid-stream.
KERRY: Unless it's drowning.
BUSH: A plan is not a litany of complaints, Senator!
KERRY: At least I know what litany means.
BUSH: That was uncalled for!
KERRY: Speaking of calls, have you phoned a friend, yet?
BUSH: I told you, it's just a mole. A large, box-like, radio resembling mole. Lay off!
KERRY: Speaking of layoffs, this President is the first to lose jobs during his term since Hoover!
BUSH: At least he made a dang good vacuum. (heh, heh, heh...)
KERRY: Hear that giant sucking sound? It's jobs moving lightspeed to other countries.
BUSH: I hear a sucking sound too. It's votes for Nader. Ralph rocks!
KERRY: By the way, I think your Vice President having a lesbian daughter is A-OK.
BUSH: Some of my best friends who are Vice Presidents have lesbo girls. Fine with me.
KERRY: Abortion is a choice. Something between a woman, her conscience, and her doctor.
BUSH: You forgot the government.
KERRY: Speaking of forgetting, how's the hunt for Osama going?
BUSH: Who?
KERRY: This President actually outsourced the job of killing Bin Laden to Afghan warlords!
BUSH: Well, I wouldn't call them LORDS. That's blasphemy!
KERRY: The President's plan for Social Security is an invitation to DISASTER.
BUSH: Then I will declare it a Disaster Area. Like in Florida. Go Gators! Go Seminoles!
KERRY: Did I mention Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian?
BUSH: She has every right to be an unsaved wacko if she wants. That's what makes our nation great!
KERRY: In closing, let me recap: Purple Hearts, better debater, Presidential, tall, great hair, experienced, strong, will hunt down and kill the terrorists, can't believe I'm only tied with this guy, Cheney lesbian kid, Bush's VP's daughter is a homosexual, I support Roe V. Wade, I am going to bring fiscal responsibility and health coverage to America. Good night, and God bless straights, gays and lesbians everywhere.
BUSH: You know, I love this painting in my White House, it is so optimistic, such bright colors. Tells me, as does the Almighty Lord, that good days are ahead. And yes, I do have a giant, square-shaped mole on my back, which many think is a radio receiver feeding me debate answers, but that is why God is so amazing, that he can make such a strange, artificial-looking mole! Yes, our nation's greatest days are ahead -- and I look forward to steering the ship for four more years. It's a titanic task, but I am a very good driver. Good night.
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Boffo! Would be even funnier if it weren't so painfully true. Thank you for the chuckles!
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