Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Commentary: "IRAN, NUKES, AND THE 'BIG HAT' THEORY"
by Ray Mahoney and Don Rose
Well, another graduate of the Crazy Despot School has arrived on the scene. Yeah, we're talking about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (we will only type this once; if one attempts to write it twice one needs to towel off). The new leader of Iran seems a little different, though. What's missing? What's different about this despot than all the previous? One problem is he looks like someone whose next words might be, "You want fries with that?" True intimidation, on a global scale, cannot be had when the people you want to scare are erupting in big laughs. Tee-hees behind your back are not conducive to true despotism.
Which leads to the true issue here, the main problem. You see, we've examined many despots of yore and nailed it down to one crucial element Mr. Iran Head is missing: A BIG HAT. Any good despot worth his dictator's salt has to have a unique hat all his own. Without it, we can't take him seriously. Even amidst impending nuclear winter, we'd all still be saying, "What a cut-up." Yes, the new Iranian head case needs a good head case. We American consumers like our products served in containers of recognition. We want burgers wearing sesame-seed buns, chickens shaped like nuggets, and despots with grand chapeaus. Look at history: Khomeini, Mao, Castro, Che, the Nazis -- all had big hats.
Old Prez, old hat. 
New Prez, no hat.
But maybe the new Iranian ruler (we told you, we won't write his name again, we're gasping just thinking about it) is really crazy smart. Perhaps he's the new breed of dictator who doesn't wear his threat on his sleeve (or his head). Maybe it's the new intimidation innovation we've all been waiting for: hatless dictators. Could be the new haberdasher habit. Perhaps this dude's doing to dictatorship what Johnny Rotten did for music. Or maybe the lack of a hat has Mr. Iran Topdog feeling inferior, unloved and naked, and that's the real reason he acts so mean and threatening.
Since nuclear proliferation is a concern for all terra-bipeds, may we suggest the U.N. and global community hold a contest for what the Iranian ruler's "Big Hat" should be. Ryan "I'm Everywhere" Seacrest could host, or perhaps lovable Gabe Kaplan (we hear he's available), and the winner could get his picture taken with corporate sponsors like Slim Jim, ABC and Yahoo. Then he could ride a nuke with a Slim Pickens clone, yelling "YAHOO!" as they fade into history -- launching a new Strangelovian ride in a Persian-themed park called DisneyIrand, all filmed as a one-hour special lead-in to "Desperate Houseslaves". Marketing baby! That's all Mr. Whatzhisname really needs. (That... and a hat.)
# # #
Commentaries by Ray and Don appear by special arrangement of letters and punctuation.
Well, another graduate of the Crazy Despot School has arrived on the scene. Yeah, we're talking about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (we will only type this once; if one attempts to write it twice one needs to towel off). The new leader of Iran seems a little different, though. What's missing? What's different about this despot than all the previous? One problem is he looks like someone whose next words might be, "You want fries with that?" True intimidation, on a global scale, cannot be had when the people you want to scare are erupting in big laughs. Tee-hees behind your back are not conducive to true despotism.
Which leads to the true issue here, the main problem. You see, we've examined many despots of yore and nailed it down to one crucial element Mr. Iran Head is missing: A BIG HAT. Any good despot worth his dictator's salt has to have a unique hat all his own. Without it, we can't take him seriously. Even amidst impending nuclear winter, we'd all still be saying, "What a cut-up." Yes, the new Iranian head case needs a good head case. We American consumers like our products served in containers of recognition. We want burgers wearing sesame-seed buns, chickens shaped like nuggets, and despots with grand chapeaus. Look at history: Khomeini, Mao, Castro, Che, the Nazis -- all had big hats.
Old Prez, old hat. New Prez, no hat.But maybe the new Iranian ruler (we told you, we won't write his name again, we're gasping just thinking about it) is really crazy smart. Perhaps he's the new breed of dictator who doesn't wear his threat on his sleeve (or his head). Maybe it's the new intimidation innovation we've all been waiting for: hatless dictators. Could be the new haberdasher habit. Perhaps this dude's doing to dictatorship what Johnny Rotten did for music. Or maybe the lack of a hat has Mr. Iran Topdog feeling inferior, unloved and naked, and that's the real reason he acts so mean and threatening.
Since nuclear proliferation is a concern for all terra-bipeds, may we suggest the U.N. and global community hold a contest for what the Iranian ruler's "Big Hat" should be. Ryan "I'm Everywhere" Seacrest could host, or perhaps lovable Gabe Kaplan (we hear he's available), and the winner could get his picture taken with corporate sponsors like Slim Jim, ABC and Yahoo. Then he could ride a nuke with a Slim Pickens clone, yelling "YAHOO!" as they fade into history -- launching a new Strangelovian ride in a Persian-themed park called DisneyIrand, all filmed as a one-hour special lead-in to "Desperate Houseslaves". Marketing baby! That's all Mr. Whatzhisname really needs. (That... and a hat.)
# # #
Commentaries by Ray and Don appear by special arrangement of letters and punctuation.
